¤...whEN youR hEaRt gEts bRokEN...¤

waRgh!!

2007-02-17T12:16:00.000+08:00

Wow…prom na mamaya…

Whatever…

Bwisit…

Bahala xa…

I’ll have fun on my own…

Arghhh!!

I so hate him right now! I can’t even have a decent pre prom post because of him!!!

Waaarrrgghhh!!

tapos Na uN, waLa Ng magagawa

2007-02-04T17:32:00.000+08:00

hai..
what do they want me to do...

iwan sa ere ung mga taong nagsakripisyo para sakin nun?
iwan ung mga taong nagmalasakit lang naman sakin?
iwan sila na andun nung iniwan niyo ako?

grabe, gustuhin ko man na makasama kayo, di na pwede...
kasi may mga naapektuhan na ng dahil dito...

naiinis na ako...
grrr!!

pero ayokong mainis...
promise...
di un enough reason para magkagulo-gulo ulit kami...
ayoko na ng gulo eh...
kaya akin nalang toh...
ayoko na talagang magsalita para tapos na at di ko na maalala....

lecheng table kasi yan.bwisit.

.waLa akoNg titLE.haha.

2007-01-31T19:17:00.000+08:00

i can't think of any title. honestly, i don't even know what to talk about in this entry. hehe.xp

++++++++++++++++

i'm bored. i wanna change my skin. i'm getting really bored with my current one already. hehe.

i'm thinking of using one of my previous skin, maybe i'll use the first skin i ever used..hmmm..tama tama. haha!!

++++++++++++++++

i'm excited. i hope matuloy xa. hehe. wala lang. hehe. sana di na toh kumalat. haha!!

++++++++++++++++

i'm confused. is there really something wrong between the two of us?? cause i feel like his uneasy when i'm around him. haai, i hope he gets over with it already, cause it's kind of offending at times.

++++++++++++++++

i'm doubtful. i think i shouldn't trust my reasoning about them anymore, cause it's getting really complicated and WEIRD. R-E-A-L-L-Y. it has all kinds of inconsistencies. grr!!

++++++++++++++++

i'm frustrated. i have lots of things to do and a whole other list of the things i WANNA do. waaaahh!! help me finish it all!! waaaahh!!

and with that..bye-bye!

haha!!

pag-ibig paRiN kaya?

2007-01-29T19:34:00.000+08:00

haha!! let me "borrow" princess hours' theme song for a while.

haai, i can't understand my feelings. un parin kaya? xa parin kaya? but why don't i feel the sparks anymore? the feeling and "kilig" that i used to feel, they're barely there anymore. last weekend, he barely entered my thoughts, and when he did, it was only because i was wondering why i don't think of him anymore. (haha! i know, that's weird..xp) and most of all, i was thinking of someone else, thinking of the near future and the FUTURE, if you know what i mean. (haha! good luck in analyzing that very vague phrase. hehe..) so does that mean that i have moved on...to another?? oh no!!!! if ever that's the case...waaaaaahhhh!! i think that a more difficult situation..!! haha! (maybe another entry will be dedicated to that delicate topic xp)

and take this, i forgot our ANNIVERSARY!! sure sure, technically, we don't have that anymore. but you have to understand, that has never happened to me before!! to forget anything about him, ABOUT US! that used to be absurd!! and in addition to that, i don't really feel bad about forgetting it (i know i'm not required to, but i'm sure you know what i mean). before, if ever such incidents happen (which were rare, mind you..) i would really feel bad and at times CRY!! so why the hell didn't i feel bad????!!???!! does this mean...??? is it really..??? my!!! complications!! is this for real now?!?

but what if i'm just leading myself on AGAIN? this isn't the first time (neither the second nor the third) that i said to myself that i'm over him already. but after a while, i will suddenly realize that i was wrong (and usually in very bad situations xc)

goshhhhhh........!!!!!!!! help me.......!!!!! anyone................................i really need to be enlightened about these things...xc

++++++++++++++++

when i decided that i wanna go home already, we accidentally met at the back lob, then we agreed that we're gonna walk together up until quezon ave, then he asked me where i will go from there, then i actually changed my route to still be with him (for whatever reason..). while getting in the jeep, he asked if i can accompany him to up dil instead, and yes, i agreed..there's nothing wrong with that right?? (right??) then, we arrived, inquired, then was about to go out the shopping center when we met kuya ed and her girlfriend..haha!! weird moment!! waaahh!! haha!! anyways, we passed by philcoa and joked that we should eat there first, but he actually asked seriously if i wanted to..but i think it was a mutual decision not to for we both needed to get home already. then came quezon ave..we got off the jeep and finally separated...

it was a whole hour of happiness, of pure bliss, of contentment...no sparks, no feelings, no "kilig"...but the event was special and really something that i will hold on to...though he might not feel the same way (for really, i don't know what i'm really feeling myself!), i do know that it meant something for the two of us...

is this a true story...or just a piece of my imagination and fantasies realized by my own mind? whichever it may be, the course of our jeepney ride will forever be close to my heart...

so in the end, the question still remains, is it still love or just a thing of the past?

mixEd EmotioNs..xp

2007-01-21T14:19:00.000+08:00

Because I'm quite pissed right now, I'll keep this post short.......

++++++++

January 16 – happiness...though it wasn't how I really wanted it to be, I'm still glad it happened. (hint: how can I refuse?xp haha!!)

– apprehensive...haaay, pasalamat kayo at nangyari un, kasi dahil sa sobrang tuwa ko nun kaya ko nagawa un..haha!! anyway, masaya rin naman ako sa result nung move na un. I'm proud of myself kasi naging ready na ako for that..haha!!

++++++++

January 17 – delighted!! yey!! Tapos na namin ung str poster naming!! Proud ako sa sarili ko kasi nakaya ko un...proud ako sa group ko kasi nagawa naming toh!! Haha!!

– ??? What's happening ???

++++++++

January 18 – relieved...weeeee!! Finally dumating na rin ung tamang moment...though I still have my fears...sana di na masayang ung third chance na toh...

– ??!! hmmm...sige lang...

++++++++

January 19 – curious...ganun ba talaga kaganda ung shirt???? Haha!!

– ?!!! waaahhh!!! Bakit ganun???

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January 20 – awed...wow, ang galing nilang sumayaw. I attended this dance concert thing of upm and they were really good. Ang galing din ng ate ko..haha!!

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January 21 – haaay..bakit sila ganun..super halata kung gano nila ako gustong makasama sa prom (even last year)...oh well, bahala na, ganun naman talaga sila dati pa eh..ano pa bang nagbago. Di mo naman talaga mafifeel na special ka..in fact I don't think na ganun naman ung tingin nila sakin eh..kaya never din akong naniwala dun sa pantay pantay ung tingin thing eh..kasi halata naman ung preference nila..oh well...who cares, nandun na eh..wala ng magagawa...ayoko na ring ipagpilitan sarili ko sa kanila (ilang beses ko na ba tong nasabi??)...enough na na ayos na lahat. I've done my part. I shouldn't care what happens next. Argh!!! It just frustrates me so much na parang wala talaga silang pakialam...bahala na sila. Ayoko na talaga...basta friend nalang ako..ayoko na ung "barkada"...cause one thing's for sure, they never made me feel that I belong...really...

wEhEhE...xp

2007-01-18T08:37:00.000+08:00

11 o'clock...

astb...

mamaya...

comp sci ngayon...

wahaha...

sana maalala ko...

hehe...xp

****darating kaya xa??********

**********darating kaya ako?????**************

wahahahahaha!!!!xp xp xp

weeee...happiNEss...xp

2007-01-16T20:00:00.000+08:00

masaya ako today...

weeeee!!

sana masaya rin siya...

memorable day...

sana ung araw na un din maging memorable..xp

hehe...

somEday...

2007-01-16T19:27:00.000+08:00

Someday by Nina

Someday you're gonna realize
One day you'll see this through my eyes
By then I won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if I cared

I know you don't really see my worth
You think you're the last guy on earth
Well I've got news for you
I know I'm not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long

'Coz Someday someone's gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you

Someday someday

Right now I know you can tell
I'm down and I'm not doing well
But one day these tears they will all run dry
I won't have to cry, sweet goodbye

'Coz someday someone's gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone's gonna take your place
oohh.. One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you

someday, i know someone's gonna be there

Someday someone's gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you

Someday someday..
oh yeah...

haaay...sa wakas nakapagpost narin ako...ang tagal ko na 'tong gustong ipost, kaso di ko ma-load ung blog ko...ewan ko kung bakit...

haaaay, super perfect nung song. super totoo. super appropriate. yes, someday i'll find another, and all this pain and sufferings will (hopefully) go away. but until then, i hope i'll be okay...

++++++++++++++++

haaaay, i just realized (after a few minutes of pagmumuni muni) that all of my problems , lahat ng gulong pinasok ko, isa lang naman ung root nito eh..SIYA...sobrang kabaliwan ko sa kanya. sobrang pagpatay ko sa sarili ko para sa kanya. and my biggest problem is because of THEM.

haay,,totoo talaga ung sinasabi ko lagi..na malaki talaga siyang bahagi ng buhay ko. malaki talaga ung effect niya sakin. and i hate that.

i'm losing everything everyone important to me. and gago ako kung sasabihin kong di ako apektado. pero still gago ako kasi pinapabayaan kong mangyari toh.

affected ako. SOBRA. pero ganun talaga eh. ito na yata tadhana ko.

but i have made a decision, and i think may point naman ako dito. ayaw ko sana munang makipag good terms sa kanila hanggat di pa xa nawawala sa isip ko. kasi wala rin namang kwenta kung magbabati bati kami ngayon, cause sooner or later, magagalit sila ulit sakin, kasi may nasabi na naman akong kinainis nila. magiging cycle lang....di ko naman gustong saktan sila ng paulit ulit....

pero pano un?..pano kung matagal pa un??..haaayy!! bahala na..

basta! maaayos ko rin buhay ko...someday...........

whEw! fiNaLLy!

2007-01-08T22:11:00.000+08:00

Di ko alam kung san ako magsisimula. Ewan. Maxadong maraming nangyari.

Pero since tinatamad ako, di ko na ikwekwento ung xmas ko and new year. Basta masaya xa.

Start of classes. Masaya rin mabilis. (duh! Two days lang eh..) hectic. (duh din! May econ long test eh!) and relieving (xe cancelled na ung physics lt!)

Pero nun palang, I was dreading Friday. May part sakin na ayaw munang magretreat. Takot ako sa kung anong pwedeng mangyari. And after everything that happened nung retreat, may rason talaga ako para katakutan ang pagdating ng Friday.

Unlike most people that you'll meet, I can't say that my retreat was fun. In fact, it was so BAD and stupid. Okay fine, may maganda rin namang nangyari:

naging mas madasalin ako..
mas naniwala na ako sa catholic beliefs
may book akong nabili
nakakinig ako sa mga super galling na speakers
narealize ko na si bona ung super THE BEST friend na makikita ko. Nagiisa lang xa. (but I didn't say na xa lang ang friend ko ah)
and perhaps, ung second na importante (first ung kay God). Bati na kami ni marie!! Gosh, I can't find words to use to describe ung fulfillment na naramdaman ko at that moment. I really wanted it to happen at sana, maging friends pa kami. Feeling ko naman kasi masaya xang friend eh.

Ito lang ang masasabi ko.. ANG GULO NA TALAGA NG UTAK KO!! Siyet, ayoko nang harapin ung mga problema ko. Or rather, ung mga prinoproblema ko. Gusto ko nalang tumakbo. Ayoko na silang balikan, ayoko nang masaktan, ayoko nang umasa. Hai, kaya gusto ko nang mag-graduate eh. Para new life, new beginning, new friends, no need to go back and worry about them all.

Sa bus palang nasaktan na ako. Nadurog na ung pagasa kong kahit papano sumaya ung retreat. Pinagtaksilan niya ako, nasaktan talaga ako nun, akala ko di niya un ever magagawa sakin, akala ko kakaiba xa sa lahat, akala ko xa ung sweetest friend ko. pero xa rin pala ung pinaka masakit manuklaw sa likod. At least siguro xa ung pinakanakasakit sakin kasi xa lang ung nahuli ko, but I'm sure there are others, malas lang niya na xa nahuli ko. Pero ngayon, di ko maiwasang isipin na baka maulit un, na baka di lang un that time nangyari, na baka tuwing aloof xa around me dati, un din ung nagaganap sa likod ko. masakit isipin, ang hirap tanggapin, pero nangyari na at the best nalang na magagawa ko ay umasa na naman na next time, di na un mangyayari. Haay, umasa na naman, ganun naman palagi, this time kaya din a ako mabibigo?

Pero may iba pa, ung mas maewan. Kasi ung kanina nasolve naman kahit papano eh. I'm trying again na maging tulad ng dati. Pero eto matindi, hanggang ngayon di ko na talaga magawa, kahit hanggang try lang. kasi naman dati nagtry na ako eh, pero napasama pa, minasama pa pala niya un! akala ko mapapasaya xa nung thought na baka maging okay kami. Un pala kinasira pa un ng gabi niya, mas importante pa ung mga tutugtog nun kaysa sakin. Pero kung tutuusin, asa pa ako dibah??!! Ganun naman talaga eh, mas mahalaga ang ibang bagay kesa sa "pagkakaibigan" naming. Alam ko ang daming nanghinayang, maraming umasa, maraming nasaktan, pero sorry kung di nangyari. But I'm not the one to blame.

In the first place, I made it clear naman eh, NA WALA AKONG BALAK BATIIN SIYA. Kasalanan niyo umasa kayo. Ayoko nang umasa na ever maiintindihan niya na masakit sakin ung ginawa niya. Na ever malalaman niya kung gano ako nawalan nung ginawa niya un. Na ever maiisip niya na mahirap makalimot lalo na at tinuring kong buhay ung lalaking PINATULAN niya. At higit sa lahat, kung gano kasakit na piliin ng tinuturing mong malapit na kaibigan ang isang lalaki kaysa sayo!!!!! I HATE YOU!! thanks for being a REAL friend ah!! Bitch.

Ano? Galit kayo sakin lalo na habang binabasa niyo toh?? Edi go!! Go ahead, the heck I care. Ever since ganun naman eh, ako ung mali. Ako ung oa. Ako ung masama! Sorry ah, kasalan kasi na magexpress ng nararamdaman ko. Kasalanan kasi na palaban ako, na ginegera ko kahit na sinong kumalaban sakin. Pero mali niyo rin, kasi binasa niyo toh, BLOG KO TOH! That's the risk you took when you decided na basahin toh. And besides, kung tutuusin, ngayon lang ako naglabas ng sama ng loob dito about that issue eh, ang tagal kong pinigilan. Ang tagal kong tiniis. Kaya wag kayong magdamdam at naisipan kong maglabas dito. Tutal, sumasama naman masyado loob niyo pag sa inyo ako naglalabas eh..para sa inyo SOBRA NA AKO. Siyet!! Bullshit! Walang sobra sobra sa damdaming nasaktan! Walang beyond the line sa isang taong nasugatan!

Lintik na buhay toh! Sumpa ung araw na nakilala kita! Akala mo kung sinong anghel ka sa iba, pero sakin, imperno ka!! Palagi nalang ako ung tinitira mo! Palagi nalang kasiyahan ko ung kinukuha mo! Alam mo naman un, na kinuntento ko na ung sarili ko sa hanggang tingin lang. tas nung naging friends kami kahit papano, napasaya ako nun! Pero pati un kinuha mo pa! kahit kailan papansin ka talaga eh, gusto mo na hanggang sa pagtingin ko kasama ka!! Bakit naman xe xa pa ang tinira mo?!?!!! Sa lahat ng bagay na pinakamimithi ko, xa ung pinakauna! Xa ung pinaka espesyal!

Pero wag kang magalala, di lang naman ikaw ung sinisisi ko dito eh, ako din. Ang tanga tanga ko kasi. Bakit kasi sa lahat ng matitinong lalaki sa mundo, xa pa napili ko. Xa pa minahal ko. Xa pa ung pinangarap ko. Ang tanga tanga ko, kahit anong gawin ko, di parin xa mawala sa isip ko. Di parin xa mapalitan sa puso ko. Bawat araw na dumadaan, xa parin ung naalala ko. Na kahit anong tagal ng bakasyon, kahit anong pilit kong linlangin ang sarili kong nakalimutan ko na xa, oras na makita ko xa, nagsusumigaw parin puso ko! Bwisit! Leche! Sumpang buhay na toh! Bakit xa pa??!! wala naman maxadong espesyal sa kanya, ni wala nga xang effort para matanggap ung ganitong klaseng pagmamahal eh. He is not worthy of this kind of love! But nevertheless, willing talaga akong ibigay un sa kanya eh. Willing talaga akong magpakatanga para sa kanya. Argh!! I hate me too! I'm so stupid! Di na ako natuto! Ang tanga tanga ko sa kanya!

Nasayang ang isang gabi ko nung retreat ng dahil lang diyan! Nasayang ung mga luha ko ng dahil diyan! Halos dalawang oras din un ng pag iyak, at halos dalawang taon ng pagdurusa! Ni di ko nga iniyak ung fact ng magkasama sila halos buong araw eh! Ang iniyak ko pa ung katangahan ko! dahil dahil dito sa katangahan ko patuloy akong nasasaktan! Na kahit anong pilit kong makalimot, di ko parin magawa! Handa parin akong talikuran ang lahat para sa kanya. Ano ba jami! Mamatay ka na nga! Useless na buhay mo kung ganyan ka ng ganyan eh.

At alam mo kung ano pang kinatanga ko? Kasi tinanggap kita ulit. Na naniwala ako sa pangako mo. Na sinubukan ko paring ibalik ung dati sa pagitan nating dalawa. Na umasa akong sa second chance ng pagkakaibigan natin, we will make it and will be able to make it stronger. God! How wrong I was! Dapat pala nun palang initcha ko na ung so-called friendship natin sa dump site. Sana nun palang, I was able to see right through you, na you will remain to be the bitch that you are!

Haay, ang dami ko na namang kasalanan, ang haba na naman ng idadasal ko. Kailan ba ako titigil, sana last na toh, sana ito na ung huling labas ko ng sama ng loob sa mundo na makasalanan. Sana sa susunod, wala ng mura at masasamang pagiisip. Pero sa ngayon, pagbigyan niyo muna ako Lord, gusto ko lang po tong ilabas..maxado na pong mabigat eh.

Alam niyo ba ung sabi ng iba? Ung di ka bibigyan ng Diyos ng problema na di mo kakayanin? Siguro a week ago, I would have said bullshit yan! Pero ngayon, sasabihin ko lang, siguro nga, pero pano kung ayaw mo nang kayanin? Pano kung gusto mo nalang takasan kasi takot ka ng harapin un? un ung nararamdaman ko ngayon. Pero ayaw ko namang pagtangkaan na naman ang buhay ko, pero ngayon 50% ng pagkatao ko ay umaasang kukunin na niya ako sa pagtulog ko. Ayoko na kasing masaktan bukas. Ayokong nang mamatay ng paulit ulit tuwing makikita ko xang may kasamang iba. Tutal di din naman niya ibibigay sakin xa, sana kunin nalang niya ako. Naghihintay lang ako dito.

Siguro mas okay ako kung totoo talaga ung nga sinabi nila noh? Ung isa may nalalamang "di tayo magpapaapekto sa mga un ah?" Tas ung isa naman may nalalamang "andito lang ako para sayo kahit anong mangyari!" with matching tears pa! un pala ung isa magpapaapekto rin, tas ung isa, alam na kailangan ko xa pero bigla nalang akong di pinansin! Lintik! Sabihin na nating sumosobra na ako! Pero sa tingin niya titigil ako pag di niya ako pinansin??!! Sa tingin niya ikabubuti ko un?? dinagdagan lang nila paghihirap ko! nagpabigat lang sila! Di naman pala nila kayang panindigan ung sinabi nila. Buti pa talaga si bona, di niya ako iniwan, tiniis niya akong samahan hanggang wala na akong malabas na luha sa mga mata ko.

Hai, pwedeng pagsisihan ko tong mga toh, pero alam ko na sinabi ko lang ung totoo. masakit ung pagiwan nila sakin, ung paghulog nila sakin sa ere. Ayoko silang masaktan sa mga words ko, pero at least naparating ko un dito. And at least nalaman nila na importanteng maging consistent sa mga sinasabi mo.

Haai, ikaw naman kasi, sinayang mo lang ung paglambot ng loob ko. sinayang mo lang ung pagtibag ko sa dingding ko para sayo. Muntik na kitang papasukin, buti nalang napigil ko sarili ko, nagawa ko ulit ung dingding ko, napatigas ko ulit ung puso ko. kasi naman ang sama mo!! At ang daya mo! Kung magsosorry ka, panindigan mo! Sana pinakita mo ung sincerity mo! Pero since di ka nga naman sincere, anong ipapakita mo?!?!?!! Dibah malanding ahas?? Tama. Wala kang ipapakita, kaya sorry nalang ako at nagexpect pa ako..! di niyo mababago ang isip ko, di ka talaga sincere, and I can prove it! Kasi kung sincere ka, bakit kasama mo xa halos the whole day the next day?? Eh nagsorry ka nga, sabi mo pa sana maging okay na lahat. Eh pano magiging okay eh the very thing na ayokong mangyari at ang dahilan kung bakit ako galit sayo, ginawa mo na naman!! Lintik ka! Pinaasa mo na naman ako! Umasa ako na this time, ako na ung pinili mo. Na this time, mas importante na ako sa kahit na sinong lalaki dyan!! Pero hindi eh, mali na naman ako. As I have said, asa pa ako! Ikaw?? Ipagpapalit ang lalaki?!?!?!! Baka mamatay ka!! So anong gusto mong mangyari? Patawarin kita tas magalit ulit sayo the next day, tas magsosorry ka nalang ulit? Tas magiging cycle nalang??!!? Ano ako loko loko?? Oo, loko loko ako, pero di para sayo!! Tas wag niyong idahilan na di mo kayang tumanggi at hinintay ka kasi sa room niyo cause that's bullshit!!!! Putangina niyong lahat!! Isumpa kayo!!! Kasi kagaguhan yan!! Kung seryoso ka kasi ano ba naman ung tumanggi ka??? (which is what I expected you to do nung simula pa lang!!) don't tell me bitch na di mo naisip na ikaaasar ko na naman un? kasi di ka naman ganun Katanga!! Dibah? Sabihin mo, di ka lang talaga nakatiis, na nagbakasakali ka lang na makikipagbati ako sayo kahit na kagaguhan paring ang gagawin mo!!! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I hate you flirt!!!

*breathe in, breathe out....* okay. I'm finally done. I think nalabas ko na lahat. If ever hindi. There's always tomorrow para gumawa ng bago...

Haaayy...ang gulo na ng utak ko!!! kalian ka ba aayos ha utak??!!! Hahahahahaha!! Mababaliw na ata ako..

aLL i waNt foR chRistmas ARE:

2006-12-13T15:39:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna make another christmas wish list because, I dunno, I think it would be fun!! Weeeee!! Hehe..xp

But really, I think my first one is superficial and is rather like my wish list last year. Haha! So I guess I have to make a new one. Something a little more different and more affordable (??). And besides, those wishes are an everyday thing, like I can buy them on my own any time of the year. So I think I'm gonna make a list that contains stuffs that will certainly make me happy if ever they are given to me for Christmas. Haha!!xp so here they are! (paging cute, gorgeous, sexy and hunky men and women out there..be kind and be this year's santa for me! Haha!xp)

Now on top of my list is the TABLET!! Haha!! Asa pa ako..xp
Still number two is the DEAL...haha! (alam kong di niyo gets un..papa ko lang makakagawa nun..xp)
On number three is a new cellphone..xp (which I will hopefully get before Christmas vacation ends. Please mommy ruby!! Pero xempre kung gusto neo akong bigyan ng extra..i'll still accept it! Haha!xp)
The blouse I saw at 168 mall in divisoria! Weee!! It is super bagay on me..haha..xp (if ever we push through, I can buy it for myself on Friday. I hope we do..xp)
Unlimited supply of ice monster! Haha!xp (okei fine, a year's supply will do..xp meron bang gift certificate ang ice monster???)
Gift certificate ng nail art!! Waaahhh!! I super love that nail store!! It is soooo super cute!
Precious moments stuffed toys for my collection..xp (last I heard, they are no longer available here in Philippines...awwww... XC )
Chocolates!!! White toblerone, ferrero, lindth, cadburry, kisses!! Lahat na!! I love them!!xp
More shoes talaga!! I just can't help including that here..i really love foot wears..xp (note: size 6 po ako..hehe..)
Bibingka!! Haha!! I love eating this stuff...super delicious!xp
Lahat ng kakikayan sa mundo!! Haha!! Anything that you think will compliment me..hehe..xp
And of course, lots of aginaldo!! Haha!! (is that how you spell "aginaldo"? hehe..)

Weeeeee!! Lists are so fun to make!! Maybe it's because it's a challenge to meet or fulfill it..hehe..haaay...sana this list has a better chance of coming true...para masaya...haha!!xp ano pa ba...wala na eh. Post nalang ulit ako next time!xp

sELfish chRistmas wishEs xp

2006-12-12T14:15:00.000+08:00

Dear Santa (or other kind-hearted people out there!! Haha..xp) :

This is my christmas wish list and I hope at least half of it will come true!! Haha!!xp

Please forgive my selfishness in this post but please bear in mind that this is just for fun..hehe..xp

Freedom!! (sana payagan na ako sa mga overnights!! Please naman!!)
Ung deal...sana makuha na ng papa ko para masaya ang life!! Haha!! (pero sana mga mid-january pa makuha..basta kung bakit..xp)
Love from...ahem ahem...hahaha!! Xempre naman from everyone!! Haha!!xp
A TABLET!!! (it is this super cool mini computer thing and I super want one!!)
A new phone! (please naman,,have pity on me!! It wasn't my fault that my old one got lost!!)
A digi cam (this is selfless promise!! Para I wouldn't have to bother other people everytime I borrow their cameras to take my picture! Hahaha!!)
A bronze colored bag (ung small lang ah,,the size of my silver bag..xp)
A 2-gig usb... (where I can store all my secrets!! Haha!!)
A flat iron!! (I have a curling iron,,but I realized that a flat iron is better..hehe..xp)
New footwear!! (kahit ano!! Rubber shoes, slippers, heels, wedges, sandals! I super love foot wears..xp)
New clothes (pants, skirts, shirts, blouse..or whatever!! Hehe..i super love clothes..xp)
Cash...para mabili ko ung mga di mabibigay sakin..haha!!xp

Ayan na ang labindalawa kong mga pangarap ngayong pasko!! One for each month dibah..xp hehe...pero sana ibigay na ngayong christmas..haha!! (except ung number two xp)

Haaaay...sana maging masaya ang lahat ngayong pasko...para mas madaling ispread ang love,,which is the true essence of christmas...remember,,Jesus Christ was born dahil sa pagmamahal niya sa atin..hehe..wala lang..

LOVE YOU ALL!!xp

bLah bLah!

2006-12-12T13:59:00.000+08:00

Shuckers..antagal ko na palang di nagpopost...it has been almost a week I think. Hehe.. anyway, isasummarize ko nalang ung mga nangyari sakin in the recent past..xp

WEDNESDAY:
Nice! Ang saya ng soc sci perio!! Parang meant to be failed by EVERYONE...super disappointing, kasi ito talaga ung pinakabanong performance ko sa lahat ng soc sci perio ever. As in. todo. Un bang parang alam mong may alam ka at mas may alam ka kesa sa iba pang nahihirapan din sa soc sci na gaya mo. Un bang alam mo na kahit papano kaya mong magsolve at magrelate relate pag napagisipan mo na ng unti. Pero pagkakita mo ng mga given at tanong, wala! Alam mong babagsak ka na. un bang hindi mo ma-apply ung mga natutunan mo in the past. Para tuloy feeling ko wala akong natutunan. Or baka naman wala talaga akong alam.haha!! oh well, kasalanan ko din naman eh..di kasi ako nagaral, mga 30 minutes lang ata for soc sci..haha!!

Oh well,,to somehow relieve our depression,krisha and I decided to go to sm..haha!! as in todo biglaang alis nang di man lang alam kung anong gagawin namin dun..haha!! tas finally ay nanood nalang kami ng reyna ni keanna..haha!! ang pathetic, wala kasi kaming maisip eh..haha!! pero in fairness nakakatuwa rin naman xa kahit papano..pero sobrang pathetic for our first movie together. Haha!! Sana next movie namin mas memorable..xp

Eon,,hinatid ko na xa sa terminal at tuloy tuloy na rin ako sa bahay..xp

THURSDAY:
Wow, I thought our bio perio would be super easy...but I guess I was wrong, it was not so hard, but was still a challenge..haha..xp oh well, who cares..xp

Senior's night went well I guess..but I'm super sad that I wasn't able to watch maging sino ka man (yes, fyi I am a super maging sino ka man addict!! Haha xp) anyway, I didn't know that the attire was smart casual so I decided to tame down on my clothes and chose a shirt and a skirt...wow, wrong move..! haha!! Oh well, at least I was kind of different..xp

FRIDAY:
Outreach today. But sadly, I didn't attend because krisha and axel didn't wanna go. Haaay, I wasn't able to have fun with the kids..but I wasn't really in the mood anyway, so I guess it was okei..hehe..xp

Haaay...last day na un before we all have our christmas vacation (well, except for the intel people)...but I didn't feel it, parang di sad ung atmosphere eh...para bang regular day lang xa for everyone...I dunno why...

Ay, kinuha nga pala namin ni krisha ung results sa up..our results are weird...haha!! Parang kakaiba talaga ung nangyari kasi dumami pa ung copper content instead na umunti..haha!! ewan talaga...xp

SATURDAY:
Waahhh!! Walang nangyaring kakaiba today..so moving on...

SUNDAY:
Haaaay...ang naaalala ko lang ay nagpaalam ako for jasmin reunion tas di ako pinayagan...arghhh!! Super galit talaga ako nun!! As in super naiinis ako sa kanya for not understanding na sa lahat ng lakad ito talaga ung pinakagusto ko kasi jasmin toh eh! Ito favorite section ko for all time..at masaya talaga ako sa jasmin..tas mamimiss ko ang pinakaunang lakad-slash-reunion ng jasmin!! Grarrr talaga!! Super umiyak talaga ako...ewan ko ba...super sad talaga eh..first time kong umiyak for some lakad na hindi ako pinayagan..super nagbreak ung heart ko...haayy..alam ko oa,,but it's the truth...

MONDAY:
Yeah,,I still cried..

Then bona texted me,,he said it was cancelled..haha!! mixed emotions..parang bakit?? And happy at the same time..kasi may chance pa akong makasama sa FIRST lakad ng jasmin..haha!!

So un,,nagtext ako sa mama ko na umalis nalang kami,,tas sabi niya okei,,nasa nlex na daw xa kita nalang daw kami sa bahay ng mommy ko (lola ko yan) sa manila...tas nagpaalam na ako at umalis...tas nagkita nalang kami sa st. thomas square sa tapat ng ust...then I ate ice monster then we went to divisoria..yehey!! I went shopping and I was super happy with everything I bought afterwards..xp

Since my sister studies at up manila,,"sinundo" nalang niya ako sa bahay nila mommy tas nagdinner kami dun...tas nagjeep na kami papuntang qc...xp haaay..super fun ng day na toh...kahit na nangalahati ang pera ko dun..!! haha!!xp

***christmas wish list where are you???? Malapit na talaga! Haha!!

fast-foRwaRd

2006-12-04T20:53:00.000+08:00

Bakit parang ang bilis ng araw na ito? Parang ang bilis ng mga subjects..parang ang bilis ng mga breaks, pati ang paglubog ng araw mabilis rin! Hahaha! Wala lang…

Oh well, ganun talaga, paminsan fast forward ang buhay..hehe..x) pero kahit papano medyo masaya tong day na toh, not the something-happened-today-that-made-this-day-special masaya, kundi ung normal day and nothing-bad-happened-today masaya..hehe..

Haaay, umpisa palang ng araw ay masaya na! May nakasabay ako sa pagdating sa school ng late, someone from the past whom I just can’t help but notice. Hehe..but really, he’s half past na, more than na nga yata eh..xp tas pagdating ko sa physics, na around 20 minutes lang naman akong late (haha!), may good news agad!!x) walang soc sci! kea moved ung long test sa math sa soc sci period! Yey! More time to study for me!xp super happy!

Tas xempre dahil late na ako, di na ako nakinig. Nagaral nalang ako sa math at ginulo ang nananahimik na si rob! Haha! nakipagdaldalan din kei eduard at generally ay nagpakafeeling wala sa klase (as what usually happens during physics, hehe, ;p)

tas masaya rin ung English kasi halos naglolokohan lang kami ni kevgar the whole time! haha!x) tas nung math (vacant period) pumunta kami ni eduard and krisha sa lib at nag aral..at masaya kasi dun ko nalaman na gets ko na talaga ung math! Yey! Hehe..:p kea feeling ko super worth it ung pagpupuyat ko the night before! Tas the test was easier than expected kea sana talaga ay pumasa ako! Weeee!xp

ub, xempre kumain ng lunch sa caf, tas medyo nagaral for our comp sci long test..pero since nagbell na during that time, sinubmit ko muna ang English essay ko (na pinagpuyatan ko ring irewrite nung magaling araw) at ung str individual abstract na nagawa ko through Rob’s help! Salamat talaga rob!

Nung pinoy, nagtry akong magcram ng kodigo for comp sci (di toh ung illegal ah! Ito ung allowed sa 3 by 5 index card!xp) pero since may pinagawang stuff (na miraculously ay natapos namin!cx) di din ako nakagawa maxado.. :c pero buti nalang ay walang ginawa nung chem. (except ibalik ung long test na tinake nung birthday ko! Na binagsak ko lang! argh! Super nalungkot talaga ako nun at medyo napikon. Pero buti nalang at mabait at love ko talaga si sir de ocampo kea di ako nabad trip ng matagal.. (: ) kea nakapagpaturo na naman ako kei Rob ng codes…yey! Ambait bait talaga! Super love ko talaga si rob at super naapreciate these days dahil parang super concerned xa!:) tas nagawa ko pa ung kodigo!

Pero di din naman pala keilangan un kasi super duper dali nung long test! Na kahit di ako nagaral before nun ay mapapasa ko xa talaga!xp hehe…

Tas after nun ay stroll stroll again kasama si jane, tas paphotocopy ng English reviewer c/o champaca07. tas natulog muna si jane kea kasama ko naman si Cecile and rob, then kg, then Cecile, rob, and kg combined! Then uwi na sila kea ako nalang and kg, tas dumating si jane and gihan, tas uwi na ako after a few minutes! Yey! Wala lang…x)

*wow, ang haba ng post na ito ah…parang walang perio bukas! Haha!xp

Perio for tomorrow:
Physics
English

Wak! Tinatamad pa ako!:c

Hmmm…gusto ko pang landian itong post na ito…kea magpapasalamat muna ako sa mga tumulong sakin ng sobra these past few days:

First of all, si ROB:
-na-touch talaga ako sa pagtulong mo sakin sa abstract ko :]
-nakatulong din ung pagsagot mo sa mga tanong ko about math
-at most of all, sa super concerned tutorial mo sakin sa comp sci kanina!
-happy birthday bukas ROB-by rob rob!!xp love you!:)

To Cecile again for the map..xp and sa pagpapahiram ng code niyo sa comp sci for my review..:)

To Nico R. for taking time to scan ung notes mo sa math for my need..hehe..xp

To Eduard sa ever patient pagtuturo samin ni krisha kanina sa math! (at sa iba’t iba pang subjects before and in the future..;p)

And finally, to Kevin Gon. sa pagturo sakin sa comp sci! (grabe, first time ata toh na di ka parang naiinis habang nageexplain, kea super natuwa ako nun..hehe..xp)

LOVE YOU SA INYONG LAHAT!! :)

dost-wishlist-abstract :)

2006-12-03T17:30:00.000+08:00

haaay...super nakakapagod naman ung dost na un! di nga ako pinagod mag-isip,,binugbog naman ung katawan ko sa biyahe! hahahaha!!:p kasi naman kasi,,nasa dulo yata ng mundo ung muntinlupa national high school na un!! waaaaahh!!! hahaha!! ang layo niya talaga, promise... naewan na nga rin ung papa ko eh...tas gaya nga ng sabi ni zy,,dibah dapat ang school nasa sentro ng lugar??!?!? eh bakit un nasa kaduluduluhan pa?!?!?!!!! wak! ang ewan talaga...

tapos di din nakatulong ung map ni cecile and mga landmarks niya...kasi baliktad ung perspective ko sa map!!! hahaha!! yak, ang tanga ko!:p kasi naman, ung simbahan nasa right namin hinahanap, pero nasa left pala un ng direction namin! haha!! ang tanga talaga..sayang tuloy ung efforts ni cecile.. :c sorry cecile..pero in fairness ah,,naaliw talaga ako dun sa map! as in super nakakatuwa..tas nakakatouch pa kasi nageffort talaga xa,tas pink pa ung arrows..hehe...SALAMAT TALAGA CECILE!c: love you! ito ung sketch oh...(hehe...sorry cecile kasi nilagay ko dito...gusto ko lang namang ishare eh..hehe..:p)

hmm..ano pa ba...eon ung kasabay kong nagtest dun ay si zy, pabs, jojie, patrick, and CHING! yes...si ching..naaliw nga ako, nagulat at natawa...wala lang..nakakamiss kasi..:p

masaya ung test kasi andali niya! sobra! buti nalang at di ako nagaral! hahaha!!:p ankyut nung memory test kasi andali talaga...entertaining ung trace trace thing, ung may colors (pero naisip ko talaga dun si garick..pano na xa?!??) tas ang basic nung mga tanong sa math and physics...ang nakakaewan na part lang yata dun ay ung linguistics! pero in fairness, understandable xa...hmm...so basically that's it! keilangan ko nalang maghintay kung nakapasa ba ako dun...nd i hope i did..:)

haaaay...nakakapagod talaga...pagdating ko tuloy sa bahay deretcho tulog agad ako! haha!xp

hmmm...napansin ko lang..marami-rami nang naglalagay ng wishlist sa mga blogs nila...naisip ko tuloy na parang gusto ko rin..hehe..wala lang..seems fun!:)

wak!! wala pa akong abstract! time to do it na! so un..next time nalang ulit! see you blog! love you! hehe...xp

i didN't study!!

2006-12-02T21:31:00.000+08:00

oh my gosh!! it just dawned on me that i really didn't study for that dost thing tomorrow!! and i also just realized that that test is kind of important...! i mean, it would be really nice if i will have less stuffs to pay for in college, less stuffs to think about, and more cash to spend on myself..!xp hahaha! but really, i should have studied for it..i should have prepared for it..and i should have given more importance to it...for afterall, it is my future... :c

but all those should haves mean nothing now, for i can't do anything about it this late cause i have to sleep early...i guess the only preparation that i could do now is think up of what i should wear tomorrow! hahaha!!xp

argh!! and thinking about it, i can't help but think that those dost people are kind of inconsiderate! imagine! they assigned me to take that test in muntinlupa high school!! now i have to travel all the way here in diliman, quezon city, to over whereever that school is!!x( meaning i have to wake up at around 3.30 AM!! arggghhh!!

but on the upside, i am kind of proud of myself for finishing SOME requirements! yehey for me!! hahaha!! i'm done with julius caesar, formal essay no. 5, str stuff (except for my abstract c:), and research for other stuffs...hehe... c: also i wouldn't have to think about our soc sci long test now for it had been moved (to next year)!!! yehey!! thanks reming!! hahaha!! the only thing that bothers me now is that math long test..cause i honestly don't get anything...waw...good luck to me!!x(

haaay...people...please pray for me..for i really, really, REALLY don't wanna fail math now...

aLL aLoNE...

2006-12-02T15:55:00.000+08:00

okei, okei...before you all start thinking that i'm being so dramatic again...read this first! I MEAN IT LITERALLY!! hahahaha!!

haaay!! where is everyone? didn't they even think about how scared i would be left all alone in this creepy house??!!? hahaha!! as if that would ever happen...!

but in reality..i really like being alone in our house...i dunno, i feel more at peace and free. i can do anything! watch tv, surf the net, talk on the phone, blog and do whatever stuffs with no limit! and for a bonus, i don't have to listen to whatever rants they have about their lives! hehe...wala lang...share...xp

anyway, i just decided to drop by and post something. but i shouldn't be really doing this!! cause for one, i have tons of stuffs to do and i have barely even started!!xp

hmmm...and i just realized yesterday that that dost thing is tomorrow already!!! wakkkk!! less 6 hours to accomplish things!!:c nice!!

oh well...i'll post something more relevant next time...i hope...hehe..xp

****Rob!! where are you?!?!??! please reply!:p

di NamaN umuuLaN ah!xp

2006-11-30T19:51:00.000+08:00

Haaayyy....musta naman un...they cancelled classes today kasi may bagyo daw...pero ni isang patak ng ulan ay wala pa akong nakikita dito samin!! Hahaha!! But I guess it's better that way cause 1. I get to study for our math test longer... 2. I get to have more "free" time and 3. dormers won't have to go home in the middle of the storm... so yeah, I guess mas masaya toh for me even though it means one less day for us...sayang, di ko nga din xa nakasama maxado kahapon eh...oh well...at least nakapag bonding kami ni krisha.. *ehem ehem* hahaha!!

Yak! Grabe, ang useless din nitong no classes na ito...grabe jami!! Ang tamad mo!! You aren't taking advantage of it!! Waaaahhh!! Andami kayang requirements!! *sampal sampal!* gising! Go to work!!!!! Hehe...xp

My requirements:
-physics long test (Monday na ba ito??)
-comp sci long test (keilan toh???)
-english formal essay (sa Monday)
-soc sci long test!! (waaah!! Sa Monday na!!)
-math long test!! (sa Monday rin!!!!!! Wak!!)
-str abstract! (pano gumawa nito??!)
-str conclusion (go me!)
-str results and discussion (go! Sana makatulong ako!)
-str etc!! (go go!! Kaya natin toh!)
-happy feet review for eng journ (asap..sana sipagin na)
-edit and compile write-ups of graviton!! (grav!! Please maawa keo at magsubmit na!xp)

Bio, chem, pe, pinoy, and health!! SALAMAT at naawa keo at di na nagbigay ng problema samin!! Hehe...lalo na sa xmas gift ni sir jude! No perio in health!! Yey!! Hehe...xp

On the upside! Yey for us! We made it! Str groupmates let us give ourselves a round of applause!:D haha! I'm really super duper proud of us! Imagine, we were able to give a decent presentation for str, and on a limited time too! And on top of everything, next week we will have results already! Meaning, we're done! We're through! It's over! No more washing, cutting, drying, grinding, sieving, measuring and whatever stuffs we have to do for our project! Haaay...*sigh (for joy)* relief has taken over me for a moment...haha!! Sayang lang talaga, imagine, kaya naman pala natin, tas di natin pinagtiyagaan, di tuloy tayo nakapag intel...haaay..*sigh (for disappointment)* but oh well, what's done is done, and we can only hope for the best that somehow we will make it to the school competition or some other contest...hehe..xp

What else...ah!! Yesterday was also super duper fun because of krisha! Ang saya talaga pag ung mga bonding moments ay unexpected...kasi parang mas may thrill tas you want to make the most out of your time together kasi keilangan makauwi ng maaga para di mapagalitan..haha!!xp so what happened?..right after we left that building (haha! I forgot its name)...we decided to eat out...then her phone rang and guess who!! (it's kg's mom!)...she asked where kg was and blah blah blah! In short, we found out that reming (that's the super typhoon's name in case you don't know..xp) is coming and that there is no classes tomorrow! So of course we were ecstatic!! And decided that we will go to sm instead..xp so we waited and waited and WAITED for a jeepney to arrive and when it FINALLY did, we used the super LONG time to get there to talk about stuffs...ang traffic grabe! Pero I can say that the bonding really took place at the jeep...xp we then went in the building with no direction, not knowing where to go..hehe! we passed national so we decided to buy julius caesar...then we went to the food court and decided that we would like to have cerealicious instead...then after eating we decided to eat ice monster too...! Hahaha!! Antakaw talaga namin!xp tas eon nagtaxi na kami tas binaba ko xa sa que ave... c:

Waaaahh!! Sana maulit ulit ung mga ganung klaseng lakad...kasi ansarap nung ganun eh, ung walang iniisip tas usap lang ng usap..parang ang saya ng mundo tas walang problema..andami niyong mashashare sa isat isa! Hehe...wala lang...;p

i wiLL suRvivE!xp

2006-11-27T20:25:00.000+08:00

Waaaak!! I should be studying right now!!

Things to do:
- study for physics long test tomorrow
- study for bio long test tomorrow
- read Julius Caesar for a possible quiz tomorrow
- Is there a math quiz tomorrow???

Hahaha! Oh well..i'll just try to keep this short...

Anyway, my day was kind of okay, I guess...well at first I was a little pissed (which made me cry a little)...I guess due to too much frustration. I dunno, I just don't get it why people should act like that...haaay! Next time na nga un! pag puno na talaga ako saka lang ako magpopost about it...maybe as a last resort...but right now, I don't wanna risk it...hehe...

We had a quiz in physics and I think I failed. I got 1 OR 2 out of 5. haha! But oh well, who cares!?! Then in comp sci, we still haven't finished our code and we were told that we will be having a long test on Monday..nice! Just what I need...more things to think about! Haha! We had this thing in bio and it was fun..haay, I hope I get a high score on tomorrows long test! Hehe.. c: then eduard and I did our lab rep on chem....yey! we finished ahead of time! Haha! Too bad I forgot about our quiz in chem and i wasn't able to study. So I think I failed that quiz too. Awww, I hope mabawi ko xa sa long test...buti nalang walang health and pe kea nakagawa kami for str... waaaaaahhh!! Ano kayang mangyayari samin bukas??? Aabot kaya kami?? Sana oo!! (I mean sana magawa namin ung presentation, but if ever makulangan ng time at sa Thursday pa kami, edi mas maganda!! Haha!!xp)

After that I went with jane and kg again...tas as usual ay nagdaldalan hanggang magdilim...we were with hopee and gihan too...and as always, I was happy before I went home for they were so fun to be with!xp sana ganun palagi..hehe..xp we talked about a lot of stuffs and sang too! Basically ay nagwala lang ako/kami...haha!!

Hummm....and now, time to face the truth...face my books and hopefully not fall asleep after reading A LINE!! (like what almost always happens!xp)

GO ME GO!! Wapak hell week!! I'm gonna beat you!!!!! Hahahahahahahhahahahahaha!!xp

First I was afraid, I was petrified...
Thinking I could never leave without you by my side...
And I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong...
And I grew strong!!
And I learned how to get along!!
...

...
Now go now go!
Walk out the door!
Just turn around now...
Cause you're not welcome anymore!!
You think you could hurt me with good-bye...
You think I'll crumble...
You think I'll lay down and die...!!!
No, no, NOT I!!
I WILL SURVIVE!!!!
Yeah, yeah!!!

Hahaha!! Wala lang...one of the songs we sang a while ago.. c: yeah!! I will survive hell week!;p

(and hopefully other stuffs too...)

Last wEdNEsday...

2006-11-26T22:14:00.000+08:00

...we watched HAPPY FEET!! And it is ssooooooo CUUUUUTTTEE!! Waaaahhh! I especially liked the baby penguins, they're so adorable! I hope someone will give me stuffed ones! Ohhh please please please!!xp hahahahahaha!!

I went there with Jane,,Kevin and Hopee..First we had our picture taken then proceeded to the cinema area..when we got their we found out that cinema four will start earlier than the other cinema..so we traveled all the way to the other side to get to the block..

Commercial: It was my first time to really get in the "the block" and it was really nice. So spacious and cool. It was also a lot less cramped and hassle free. It would have been nice if I had more time to roam around but we were kind of in a hurry so maybe next time. Hehe..xp

Anyway, when we got there I lined up and dun dun dun!! Start of my embarrassment! Hahaha!xp I looked at the screen to check out the price and I was shocked!! NO,,I think STUNNED is more appropriate! Yeah! You wouldn't be?? Written in line with de luxe was 214!! We were all speechless..not knowing if we should move on or go back and just wait for the other cinema. Then when I looked at the screen again, it had turned 213. That was when I got suspicious. So I asked the lady behind the counter how much was it. And it turned out that the numbers on the screen referred to AVAILABLE SEATS!! And the movie just cost 151!xp hahahaha!! We were all so relieved!!;p

So in summary we were all able to pay for our tickets and I treated them popcorns and a drink...

haaay..i really recommend for you all to come watch happy feet!! It is such a nice film and very entertaining!;p besides, it had meaning and can really touch hearts if you watch carefully. And what's more?? You get to see such CUTE penguins and BABY penguins dance and sing! So cute!! Will certainly bring out the child in everyone! Hahaha!!

In conclusion, that movie trip was very fun! Thanks to the three people who were with me..i really enjoined your company (companies??xp) hahaha!! Hugs to you three!:)

*wow...two posts for the day! whattan improvement! hehe...wala lang..:p

thE day that was

2006-11-26T21:50:00.000+08:00

Yey! This day had been fun!xp I went at my cousin's place at Eastwood and basically just relaxed the whole day..!:p we drank Starbucks and she finally got the planner! Yey for her! Awww...I want one too!! Pero asa pa ako,,as if naman kaya kong bumili ng ganung karami cape.. :c (awww...sadness.. :c)

I was also able to get wastewater for our str project! Yey for me! Although at first I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get it. Luckily for me my cousin's friend *ehem ehem* was such a gentleman and offered to drive us to marikina riverbanks and got the wastewater himself!! *clap clap!* awww..it's so hard to find men like him these days, so willing and able. Haha! (nagpaparinig sa lahat ng lalaki sa mundo na MAGBAGO NA! hahaha!)

I just hope that the water I got is okay. Cause we just got it at the sides and it is REALLY DIRTY!! And smells awful too! As in the part we got it was filled with floating trashes! Waaahh!! I'm scared that it might not be the right one, because our earlier sample was a LOT clearer, close to seawater clear. This one is so cloudy, as in estero waste dirty! If you get what I mean..haha! I'm praying and keeping my fingers crossed! I hope it would be right..i don't want her to be mad at me again or something.. :c it really makes me depressed..

Another person that makes me really troubled is e*****..i dunno. Seems like we're really far lately. I don't seem to get him and vice versa. I really try to be close again but the circumstances just don't seem to agree. Argh! It's really making me worried..i fear that I have already lost him (no, I think I'm sure I already did). But I honestly try to get him back, both of them back, but I just can't. Haaayy,,truly and really, the saying "I can't please everyone" is so damn true!! And I hate that fact! Arrrrggghhhh!!

Oh, and another thing. I think I'm giving him more reason to get mad at me. Well, I know it's my fault, because I'm so irresponsible. But God knows how much I tried! I really looked for answers since Friday night till early this morning. But unfortunately, I still can't get that stupid lab report! And to think that I thought that it would be easy to do!:c haaay..how I wish that it had been an individual thing, at least that way I wouldn't have to pester him/them with my stupidness.. :c haaayy..when will everything be right between me and them.. .. .. SIMULTANEOUSLY.. haha!!

NEaR dEath ExpERiENcE! (wELL,,aLmost!) xp

2006-11-23T20:28:00.000+08:00

Haaay...

i know i still have a lot of things to do tonight, but i dunno, I just don’t want to end this day without posting an entry in here...

malay ko ba...

baka bukas, may mas malalang mangyari, tas di na ako ever makapost dito dibah?? Hahahahahaha!! Ang o.a. ko!!xp

anyway, bakit ba ako ganto kadrama ngayon? Well isa lang ang dahilan. Dahil kanina.. .. .. .. ..MUNTIK LANG NAMAN AKONG MAMATAY!! Hahahahahaha!! Ang o.a. ko na naman!! Ang exag ng statement! Hehe xp

but thinking about it, it is really possible to happen. kahit na ba motorbike lang un, kung mabilis un, nahagip na talaga ako nun..tas wala na..titigil na ang lahat..even before akong matawid sa katapat na ospital, sa children’s center (oo, naaksidente ako sa may agham road lang)..wala na..pwedeng wala nang hininga..wala nang buhay...kahit kanino naman kasi pwedeng mangyari ang aksidente..kung mangyayari, mangyayari talaga. Haaay, di naman ito ung first time eh, dati rin muntik na akong masagasaan ng sasakyan, may bus pa nga eh!! Pero ewan, siguro lucky lang talaga ako kea nakakaiwas ako.. pero ngayon kasi totoo na..mas naramdaman ko na ung gulat..kasi this time, tumama talaga ako! This time, may impact talaga..this time, nasagasaan talaga ako..kea parang feeling ko, mas nafeel ko ung death..hehe..

kea on second thought, di pala un o.a..di exag..kasi totoo, muntik na talaga akong pumanaw kanina..

haaay..bigla ko tuloy naisip, di ba talaga ako takot mamatay? Mapapanindigan ko ba talaga ung dati kong sinasabi na if ever it comes..okei lang sakin..though I'm not ready (cause really, one can never be really ready about it) okei lang..di talaga ako takot..totoo pa kea un ngayon?? Hmmmm..siguro nga totoo parin, kasi no matter how close I was to death kanina, wala parin, di parin ako takot..gaya ng sabi ko kanina, oo nagulat ako..pero di ako natakot..haha!! ang weird ko talaga!xp

(haha!! Commercial lang: ang cute..grabe talaga ang coincidence! Habang tinatapos ko yang previous sentence,,bigla dumaan ung ate ko tas kumakanta xa ng isang line, which was "Not afraid to die.." haha! Wala lang! ang astig lang xe...;p)

Ay..! speaking of coincidence..may isa pa ding coincidence na nangyari sakin kanina..xp pagkauwi ko, tinignan ko cell ko..tas may quote na finorward sakin ung pinsan ko..and it says:

I never told you how much you mean to me..
Coz I fear you won’t understand me..
But incase I’ll be gone,
Can I just whisper to your ears,
"YOU'RE SO SPECIAL TO ME IN WAYS YOU NEVER SEE"

Hehe..alam ko matagal na yan..pero natuwa lang ako sa timely arrival niya sakin..naisip ko tuloy kung ifoforward ko ba un sa kanya..kasi ang totoo talaga nung quote eh..hehe..pero I guess wala pa akong ganung lakas ng loob ulit..siguro di parin time..kahit na nga ba muntik na nga akong maging gone kanina..hehe!;) but oh well..only time can tell..:p

Before I end this entry (whew! Sa tingin ko naman long enough na ito for a revival entry noh!xp hehe..), I would like to contemplate about an obvious question..kung sakali kayang natuluyan na ako kanina, naguiguilty kea xa..sila?? magiguilty kea sila na just hours before akong namatay ay sinaktan na naman nila ako..magiguilty kea xa na nagawa niya un sakin??? Haaaay..ang ewan talaga..ang ewan talaga ng nararamdaman ko! Nakakabwisit!! Gustong gusto ko na talagang nag-move on, pero ang hirap talaga eh..nakakalito pa..parang no matter what I do, di parin nagbabago feelings ko..haaay..pano na ung isang tao na un..ung gusto kong forwadan nung quote? Di pa ba xa enough?? Wak!! Ayoko na! ayoko nang isipin!!! Hahaha!!xp humm...in case you’re wondering kung paanong naging obvious ung question, ito lang xe un..ang sagot dun ay isang malaking NO!! kasi wala xang konsenxa, cause if she does, di naman hahantong sa ganito toh eh..dibah?:)

So un lang..sana makapag post ulit ako bukas about sa aking movie trip kahapon with Kevin, Jane, and Hopee..:) at xempre ang aking much, much post birthday post!! Hehe...yippeeee!! Sana talaga...un lang! bye!:D

aNg biLis Ng mga paNgyayaRi yEy!

2006-07-23T22:16:00.000+08:00

Okay. We talked about it a while ago, and I guess we're okay now. Yey! At least minus one concern in my mind! Hahaha!! Though, it was awkward, and I felt like he was feeling uncomfortable. But I can't blame him, I felt that way too. Another thing, I felt like he can't wait to get off the phone. Felt like he doesn't want to talk to me, at least for now. But I don't know, I might just be jumping into conclusions and maybe his actions didn't even mean anything. Haay, but at least the agreement is already there. Hahaha!! Oh well, let's just see what will happen next. ;)

Oh, nga pala! There are no classes tomorrow!! Yey!! I'll have more time for myself! Hahaha!! But I know that somehow, that no class thing will work against me academically. But oh well, who cares…I'll survive…Hahaha!!

Raaarrr!! I hate myself for being sooooo lazy lately!! Waaaaahhhh!! *slap my face three times!* hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! Grrroooowwwlll!!!

two wEEk fRiENdship

2006-07-23T18:47:00.000+08:00

This will be my first time to talk about him in my blog. So if anyone of you know what I'm talking about, then good for you. If not, then just follow on and hope that you will get it in the end. Hahahaha!! *yak! Ang bangag agad!;p*

Anyway, I found a new friend three weeks ago and I can honestly say that I had fun with him. He was nice, caring, understanding and those stuffs you notice when you have JUST MET someone. We talked, texted, and chatted regularly and I kind of got used to his presence after awhile. Then just last week, something happened that changed everything.

Well, it's sad, and he might not understand my reasons, but I felt like I had to say those stuffs. It was my obligation as his friend to say those things up front. At least that's what I think. And if he can't accept what I said and be stubborn about it, then whatever, maybe it's not meant to be. I just can't deal with a person that doesn't appreciate life's blessings. Cause for one thing, it's a big turn off for me, and secondly, in one way or another it makes me feel unimportant, and hello??! Who wants to feel unimportant right?? So obviously, I'll get pretty pissed off.

And one more thing, after saying my thoughts, he back fired by saying other stuffs (more of accused me of some stuffs) to me which was completely beside the point. But I actually found it amusing, childish and disrespectful. Amusing in such a way that I wondered if it was his way of making me feel bad, because if that was it, then it didn't work. Childish because I know he wouldn't have said it if I didn't say what I said, and that act was childish. I thought "ano toh, gantihan??". Anyway, it was a petty fight and by the end of that night he asked me to give him some "space"…so I gave him that and I didn't text him up until my cousin talked to me about it yesterday evening.

So I texted him and apparently he's still mad at me. So whatever, I have thought about it real hard and I gathered up my courage to text him first, but he reacted negatively, so I think I wouldn't be the first one to text him next time. But whenever he comes around and texts me, well, he's always welcome…I guess. I just don't think that I will warm up to him as easily as before.

It's a pity though to throw away the kind of friendship that we had just like that. It's depressing, but if he wants it that way, he shouldn't expect me to be the one to push myself to him. I think I have done my part, and he just refused it, so it just goes to show something. And one more thing, it's not the end of the world for me. Besides, there a lot of other things that I have to worry about and think about.

But in my defense, I just want to say that I don't expect anyone to adjust for me, but neither should they expect me to adjust for them. Seriously, I like someone for who he/she is and I accept him/her for that. I don't want anyone to change for me because if he/she changes for me, then he/she isn't the one that I liked or befriended. I have a point right?? *Haha!! Pinilit daw ba! Ano, naguguluhan ka na ba?;)* so I also expect my friends to accept me for who I am and not try to change me to fit their liking.

* ano pa? hmmm…ito na…I'll admit…ang laki sana ng pagasa niya eh…kaso ewan ko na ngayon. Medyo turn off kasi eh. Basta, bahala na, di din naman ako sure kung maguusap pa kami ulit. Basta ang alam ko, medyo hesitant na ako…sorry na,,ayoko lang masaktan ulit…prone ako eh…hehe…

** para sa'yo: kung mabasa mo man toh, ahm, ewan, sorry siguro, di ko toh gustong mangyari, it just happened. And I just wanna say that those two weeks had been fun…thank you…ingat ka nalang sa buhay…just like what you said,,marami namang ibang babae dyan eh…hehe… ;) good luck with those other girls…:p

somE of thE thiNgs woRth wRitiNg about

2006-07-17T18:53:00.000+08:00

Wow, it has been a while since my last post, and even though a lot of stuffs have happened to me lately that are blog worthy, I couldn't find time to sit down and write about it!! Waaahh!! My poor blog, getting neglected and all (see I even skipped my monthly mantra of changing skins!)! Oh, I'm so sorry blog, don't worry, I'll update you as soon as I can. Hehe… (Wow, I am so freaking weird right now)

Anyway, I'll try to write about everything that I can remember in this post…I'll try my best to not devote a whole page for a single event, like I usually do. Haha!

First up, is graviton…hmmm…I'm beginning to warm up to this class, I actually like the class now, though we're still undeniably quiet, I'm getting used to it. I don't really mind it that much, and sometimes I actually like it that way. Though sometimes when I talk to my seatmates, front mates, BACK mates, and 45-degree angle mates, I get easily identified! Hahaha!! Oh well, that's life…

Secondly, this last one and a half weeks, I don't know what got into me (well, actually, I do...haha! Labo!), I get easily offended and/or mad. As in with really small stuffs, I get annoyed and at one or two points cried. Though if ever those things happened to me in like a different time, I'll just laugh at it and fool around, but since it happened when I was overly (too much?) sensitive, I got irritated. Haaay, I was actually irritated at myself then for being irritated to almost everyone!! Hahaha!! But at least that phase is over now, I'm back to normal again, yes, my old foolish self…hahaha!! So to those people that I have been irritated to, to those that I shouted at, to those that I might have hurt….I'm so terribly sorry, please forgive me, I wasn't myself then. I mean, fourth year life can really get into the nerve of everyone, so much stuff to do, too much pressure…Haaay, add to that my momentary heart confusion during those days…hahaha!! (I know no one will understand that=p)

Third point, cat…wow, up to now, I still can't believe what I got myself into. I volunteered to be a cat officer, and now I'm a cat officer candidate, and it's so freaking hard to be one especially when it's not in my personality to shout at anyone without smiling or saying sorry (well, unless I'm really, really mad). But I really want to be a good officer, so I guess I just have to do my best and survive all those things. For now, one of the things that keeps me going is the thought that after all these, I'll officially be an officer and I will have the chance (and the pressure) of coming up with the best platoon in the batch (at least for the girls).

Fourth on the list is my elective, which is English journalism. Well, hmmm, I don't wanna say that I hate it, because honestly I don't hate it. But I'm not fond of it nor am I happy in it. I don't like it, that's it! I guess it's just not my thing to write, I'm more into the technical side (which is probably why I was in the tech streaming), and I like creating stuffs, forming stuffs. But since I don't know where else to go, I got into Eng. Journ. Haay, if I have a chance to change elective, I'll probably go to robotics or industrial chemistry, after all, I am good at chem. Haay, why didn't I go to I. Chem.?? I am so stupid, and now I'm regretting my decision…I'm such a LOSER!! Graaaarrr!!

And lastly, of course there's cheering practice. My most stress relieving activity, the only activity that takes a lot of my time and energy, but makes me real happy in doing it. I just love cheering; it gives me this certain feeling of satisfaction that only it can give. I don't know why, maybe it's just the thought that I'm doing it for the batch, for the honor and glory of our batch. But the only downside of it is the competitiveness each batch shows, I mean it's okay to be competitive but not to the extent that you begin to trash talk and say personal things. I'm not sure if my batch is guilty of such things, but as far as I know, we aren't. They may accuse us of a lot of things, but what I know is that we're just doing our part. Of course there is the want to win, to break the tradition, which is understandable. But if ever we fail, its okay, we did what we have to do. At least we know that we didn't step on anyone along the way. And at least we're not acting like we're sure we are going to win, that's different from saying that we WANT to win. Because of course, who doesn't want to win right?

whatta coNtRact!!=P

2006-06-22T20:15:00.000+08:00

Haha! Funny thing happened today that most of you wouldn't be able to relate to. But it's just something so funny that I can't help but write about it. Haha! Actually, while it was taking place, I was laughing the whole time!! Haha! Wala lang. maybe it was because of the pressure they were putting on us, especially me, or maybe because if I think about it right now, I'll realize that it was pretty uncomfortable. Never the less, what happened was nice, I wanted this to happen for such along time now, but not because I want to be with him again, but mainly because I just want to put everything in the past, I want us to be friends again, no more, no less.

Anyway, it transpired with five people at first, then another person came which was another one of the main subject, the other one being me. They wanted me to answer one question (to what it is, we'll just keep it ourselves...haha!), but since I didn't what to answer it, they called him. So, we were all there Bona, Jojie, RV, Abel, and me, plus the other guy. Then they grilled us, and he answered. But it seemed like they weren't contented with just that, so they decided that they wanted to make us feel more uneasy with the situation. Then Jojie came up with this idea. "Aha! Let's make a contract!" Hahahahahahahaha!! It was so cute, imagine them, boys and all, all grown up (well, at least on our way there=P) coming up with such a childish idea. Needless to say, it was still entertaining so I just went with the flow!

And the contract goes like this (not verbatim):

FRIENDS NA KAMI
*pero mag-iingat lang kami kasi baka may maka-misinterpret sa amin.
*tuwing magkikita kami ay sasabihan ko siya ng "hi"

Well, as long as I can remember, there were only two asterisks in that so called "contract" (haha). But I know that it was more detailed than what I wrote above, though the idea is there. And to make the "contract" well, ehem, "official", we all signed in that paper! Haha! Directly below were two blanks side by side, and the guy and me signed over our printed names. Below our signatures were yet three more blanks, Abel, RV, and Bona signed there to serve as our "witnesses". Hahaha!! So you could just picture how fun and entertaining the whole thing was! The last that I heard, they were planning to LAMINATE that piece of paper! Imagine that!

But from what happened, I realized one thing, they are still concerned about us and they somehow want things to be better between the two of us. And that in itself was very flattering and humbling. Haaay, I'm so lucky to have such great circle of friends, and a wide one at that!!

*hugs and kisses!!*

aRaL aRaL aRaL...

2006-06-20T20:06:00.000+08:00

wow!! Isn't it daring for me to post an entry here NOW, at this moment?? I mean, I have a lot of stuffs to do and I shouldn't be doing this!!! Waaaaahhh!!! hahaha!!=)

But anyway, I can't resist the urge. hehehe...whatever!! hahaha!!

But I do have a reason for this post, I just want to revise some of things that I wrote in my last post AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!! I mean, it's unfair for me to start to judge gravy (graviton) right away. It was just the first week! So, I feel that I have to correct some things.=)

First on the list is that...I DON'T THINK THAT I WILL BE LONELY IN GRAV!! hahaha!! I mean, it's a great section and we're starting to warm up to one another. yey! Secondly, grav is not at all THAT quiet! At last, they're showing some reaction towards jokes!! hahaha!! But I'm also not saying that our section will be noisy, I still don't know about that. But I really do hope that we will be somewhere in between. And lastly, I think we will be united. It's still a half-half thing though. Cause I have observed some things that I will explain maybe later. hehe...wala lang...CAUSE I STILL HAVE TO READ BOOK OF JOB!!! hahaha!!

*kisses everyone!!! mwah!!*

(hala!! wala palang connection ung title ko sa laman ng entry ko!! hahaha!!;p)

gRavitoN

2006-06-16T22:04:00.000+08:00

First week of school, hmm...what can I say about it?

Well, let me start with the obvious, my class (iv-graviton), is not what I expected it to be. I thought that we will all click right away, that in no time at all, we will be bonded and talk to one another. But sadly, I was just disappointed to find out that this class has yet to realize each other's existence. I mean, I know that it's just the first week, but we're in fourth year already! Most of us must know pretty much two-thirds of the class! How come no ones speaking up?? Sorry for such thoughts, but sometimes, I feel like I might be too active for this class. For the first few days, I talk and make jokes to break the ice, to help everyone come out of their shell, but today, I guess I grew tires of it. Why? Well, because by the end of the day, I just get embarrassed! Only a few responds to me, and those few doesn't even responds fully! I hope you got what I meant...

But maybe it's still too early to tell, I hope as the days pass by, things will change. I REALLY HOPE they do, because I will die of sadness in my class if things continue as they are right now.

But don't get me wrong, individually, I like, no, I LOVE everyone in graviton, 'cause each of us makes up my last class in pisay, which should definitely be great, but together, we kind of stink in the bonding aspect (I also am guilty here...). Haaay, I hope we all grow closer to one another. That's the only way that we could really feel and have fun with our last year here at pisay!!!

One more thing, this early, I can say that graviton is like beryllium in a lot of ways. Given that graviton is made up mostly of beryllium, it also has this feel to it. Personally, I feel that like beryllium, I will be kind of lonely in graviton. You see, I didn't really feel like I belong to beryllium, I'm not that close to that section, there were only like 5 people that I could really trust (sorry sa mga masasaktan). Basta! They sometimes make me feel like I'm not wanted in the class. Some people are insensitive and blah, blah, blah....

Never mind, I don't think I want all of it out in the open after-all. I might have some problems. I'm just hoping that graviton doesn't turn out to be like be...in some ways.........

(next time nalang ung iba)

i'm REady foR schooL!!

2006-06-07T23:25:00.000+08:00

Yes! I am so ready for school!!
As in:
R
E
A
D
Y

READY!! Yeah! Hahaha!! Sorry na, bangag lang…hehe…I'm just so excited to go to school. I miss the rush, the anticipation, the collaboration, and the not-knowing-what-will-happen-next feeling. I miss everything about school…well, except for one, the obvious fact…exams!! Hahaha!! Oh well, I guess I have to deal with that…it's in the package of being a student…hehe…

Anyways, I feel that this year will be different! In every aspect!! (And I plan for it to be different! Haha! ) Like grades, diligence, friends, social life, love life, classmates, and over-all performance…!! Hehe…Is that too much?

But whatever! That's how I feel, and you can't argue with your gut feel right? RIGHT! So you just have to deal with it! Hehe…

I don't know, maybe it's just the sa-simula-lang-masipag-after-tamad-na-ulit feeling brought by the start of the classes, but I really feel that this year will be different in terms of my grades. I feel so full of energy and will to study. I believe that this year, I will be more diligent. And besides, I really want to be in our director's list ever since, and this is the last year, my last chance, so this HAS to be the year right? This is my last opportunity to shine, so I plan for it to happen!! Hahaha!!

Also, ever since I knew like ten of my classmates, I already have this feeling of YEAH!! I already knew that this class will ROCK!! I mean, we're all so different, but not in the way that we will clash. It's more of we will complement each other and learn a lot from each other…I hope…hahaha!! But I'm serious, I think that this will be a great class, we will all shine and help each other have a great year to end our pisay life…it will be a memorable one…I know it!!

And in terms of love life…hmmm…I dunno, I feel like this year is a great time to bloom in that area. I'm not saying that I already have a replacement for you-know-who, but I feel like I WILL have a replacement this year…hahaha!! BUT, if ever that doesn't happen, it is okay, that's all right…there will be no problem with that. I mean, I don't need men to be happy, I'm perfectly fine with what I am and have right now. Also, men only add spice to ones life, and they aren't an essential…hahaha!! All though, if ever he does come into my life this year…hmmm…well, I definitely am curious to know what will happen next!! Hahaha! And I am absolutely positive that it will be another interesting and amusing chapter in this very wild life of mine. Haha!

But one things definitely sure, I'm just happy that I'm over him…I'm finally free from his shadow, and nothing's holding me back this time. I'm so glad to just be open to anything and everything that this life has to offer, to be able to explore my chances that I haven't really been doing because of my attachment to him before. Oh well, life is beautiful, and I have finally learned how to not waste it any longer…hehe…

Another point, I feel like this year I will have an opportunity to expand my circle of friends. I will gain more acquaintances both in and out of pisay. And that is definitely a good thing. Also, I plan to keep my new and current friends, and certainly make it bloom and work.

And lastly, I plan to dedicate this year to my friends, my real friends…my closest friends…hehe…I mean, this is the year to really strengthen or patch problems with them. This year, I want them to really feel that they mean so much to me. I wanna make them know how special, appreciated, and dear they are…and that they are definitely on the top of my list of "things to preserve"…hehe…

Now you have it, you can see that I have a lot in store for me this year…hahaha!!! I wanna shine this year! I wanna excel and have a blast while I'm at it!! Hahaha!! I really dunno how, but I know that I WILL make it happen!! AND it WILL work…hahaha!! Pretty confident huh?...well I really am! So sy 06-07, be prepared!! Cause here I come!! Hahaha!!

GO GO GO jaMi!!! *hugs and kisses everyone!!*

mga piNaka...

2006-06-06T19:06:00.000+08:00

1.Pinakagusto mong name na hindi mo naman name?
- couRtNEy...wahaha!! siNcE i was a LittLE kid...

2.Pinakagusto mong color?
- piNk aNd appLE gREEN aNd LavaNdER

3.Pinakacrush mo ngaun?
- chEstER du...hahahaha!! soRRy Na kuNgmabasa mo maN toh...(shucks!! nakakahiya!!)

4.Pinakanagbobother sau ngaun?
- kuNg papayagaN pa ba ako sa mga suNodsuNod koNg Lakad...

5. Pinakakasundo mo na tao?
- si boNa, cELiNE, aNj aNd maRa...

6. Pinakahuling nakasama mo lumabas?
- Lumabas?...sa fRiENds, uNg mga Lsc pEopLE...pERo uNg LatEst taLaga...famiLy ko...

7. Pinakanamimis mong kasama namaglakwatcha?
- mga tao...uNg baRkada...aNd othER cLosEfRiENds...hEhE...

8. Pinakahuli mong katxt?
- cELiNE...my bEst fRiENd..

9.Pinakagusto mong mangyari sa buhaymo?
- magiNg succEssfuL at yumamaN Ng todo todo!!hahaha!!

10. Pinakagusto mong movie?
- waLaNg piNaka Eh...basta uNg mga fuLL of LovE Na moviE..LikE a.i., if oNLy, 50 fiRst datEs, aNd thE doLLmastER...

11. pinaka high point ng buhay mo?
- hmmm...doN't kNow...whEN i ENtEREd pisay??

12. Pinakamasarap na naramdaman mothis year?
- uNg hiNawakaN ako Ni ******* NuNg NasaEastwood kami...hahahaha!! yak! aNg babaw!!

13. Pinakawild na ginawa mo in public?
- kumaNta Ng supER Lakas sa caf NamiN...atNaNampaL Ng tao sa schooL...hahahaha!!

14. Pinakaidol mo sa ngaun?
- hmmmm...idoL?? AKO!! yak! angfEELiNg..haha...

15. Pinakafave mong sport?
- badmiNtoN aNd baskEtbaLL...

16. Pinakagusto mong subject?
- math aNd draftiNg aNd chEmistRy...

17. Pinakaayaw mong subject?
- hmmm...soc sci??

18. Pinakaproud na achievement mo?
- hmmm...dami Eh..pERo uNg NakiLaLa ko uNgmga fRiENds ko...aNd xEmpRE uNg mga actiNgstiNts ko..hahaha!! **suRphaNakha** **thEwEddiNg daNcE**

19. Pinakagusto mong kasama sagimikan?
- fRiENds...

20. Pinakaunang impression sayo ng tao?
- maaRtE at mataRay at sNob at mayamaN atsosyaL DAW..pERo di NamaN daw paLa...

21. Pinakaayaw mong makaaway?
- hmmm...cLosE fRiENds...

22. Pinakagusto mong gawin pagSunday?
- waLa...gaNuN LaNg diN...LikE EvERy othERday...

23. Pinakagusto mong banda atpinakagusto mongkanta nila?
- haLE RivERmaya...thE day you said goodNightaNd you'LL bE safE hERE..

24. Pinakagusto mong gwin?
- humiNga...

25. Pinakamasamang tao na kilala mo?
- hahahaha!!

26. Pinakaself-obsessed na tao na kilalamo?
- bEsidEs mysELf?? si mara ElaiNE viLLavERdE po! hahaha!!

27. pinakahuli mong nkachat?
- si aNj maRamo..

28. best girl bud mo?
- cELiNE, aNj aNd maRa...

29. pinakabest boy bud?
- BONA!!

30. pinakagusto mong makuha ngayon?
- pERa???? hahahaha!!

EvERythiNg goEs iN thREE!! Nyak!!;p

2006-06-05T12:49:00.000+08:00

three names you go by:
1. jaMi
2. Miko
3. Mia

three screen names you have had:
1. talk2me_o6
2. bugsbuNNy
3. miko

three physical things you like about yourself:
1. ahhh...Lips?
2. ahmmm...EyELashEs??
3. hmmmmm...abs???

three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. hEight?
2. bEiNg mabaLboN..
3. hmmm...La Na...hahaha!!

three parts of your heritage:
1. fiLipiNo...
2. spaNish...
3. chiNEsE...

three things that scare you:
1. cockRoachEs!!! Ewwww!!
2. hoRRoR fiLms..hEhE...
3. dRuNk mEN aNd addicts aNd tambays...

three of your everyday essentials:
1. LIP BALM!!
2. faciaL cLEaNsER
3. twizzERs

three of your favorite musical artists as of now:
1. bRitNEy spEaRs
2. mymp
3. pussycat doLL

sthree of your favorite songs:
1. you got it aLL
2. NaRda
3. stick with you

three things you want in a relationship:
1. pREsENcE...vERy impoRtaNt...
2. swEEtNEss...thE kiLig factoR shouLd aLways bE thERE...
3. xEmpRE...thE LoviNg...physicaL coNtact...gEts mo Na uN!! Hahahahaha!!

three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you:
1. facE...(thE smiLE...thE EyEs...thE EVERYTHING!! Haha!!)
2. fitNEss?...haha!
3. cLothiNg styLE (dapat bagay sa katawaN Nya..haha!!!)

three of your favorite hobbies:
1. taLkiNg...aN EssENtiaL!! Haha!!
2. watchiNg aNythiNg...
3. chattiNg aNd suRfiNg...

three things you want to do really badly now:
1. GO OUT with somEoNE...aNyoNE!!
2. tExt, taLk, sEE, oR WHATEVER si c**s***!!! Waaaahhh!! sERyoso!! Kahit aNoNg commuNicatioN!!
3. buy stuffs...

three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. LawyER...
2. busiNEsswomaN
3. modEL...!!! I waNt to bE oNE!! BADLY!!

three places you want to go on vacation:
1. paRis...
2. itaLy...
3. hawaii...

three kid's names you like:
1. couRtNEy...
2. bRaziL...
3. LoNdoN...

three things you want to do before you die:
1. gEt RICH!!
2. tRavEL...EVERYWHERE...
3. bE popuLaR thRoughout thE woRLd!! Hahaha!!!

three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. I'm bossy?? aNd iN coNtRoL??
2. i buLLy mEN (boys;p) haha!!
3. I'm kiNda stRoNg foR a giRL...haha!!

three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. I LikE guys!!
2. I'm a vERy kikay giRL!! I LovE to pampER mysELf!!!
3. i LovE to taLk...hahaha!!

three celebrity crushes:
1. chad michaEL muRRay!! HOT!!
2. jEREmy somEoNE (uNg sa pEtER paN..haha!!)
3. aNd somEoNE ElsE (I foRgot his NamE..hEhE..)

aLL about schooL...

2006-06-04T23:54:00.000+08:00

1.saan ka naghayskul?
*mataas na paaralan ng pilipinas sa agham

2.teacher's enemy ka ba?
*i doN't thiNk so...mabait ako Eh!

3.anong kulay ng bolpen ang lagi monggamit?
*bLack Nd bLuE

4.parasite ka ba?*
hmmm...guiLty!! hahaha(but Not aLways;p)

6.nagpapakopya?
*yup...mabait Nga ako...hahaha!

7.nagdadala ka ba ng sarili mong papel?
*1st Nd 2Nd quaRtER LaNg...hahaha!!

9.sino ang pinakaayaw mong teacher?
*hmmm...basta xa...EpaL kasi xa Eh! Haha!

10.e pinaka-favorite?
*hmm..dami Eh..ma'am saNchEZ, aguiLa, caRdENas, siR sEpuLvEda, tacuboy, moRdaN..ETC!

11.pinakaayaw mong klasmeyt?
*hmm...wLa NmN...Lht NmN cLa okEi Eh..hEhE...

12.anong subject ang may highest grade mo?
*cad, dRaftiNg, aNd pEhm...

13.lowest subject?
*gEom...hahaha!! Nd caLcuLus...

14.sino ang crush mo during those days?
*s pisay?...hmmm...dami Eh!!! Hahahahaha!!=P

15.ano ang theme song mo sa kanya?
*sa kaNiLa?? ahm..." comE oN aNd gEt mE, gEt mE, gEt mE! Baby I'm youRs, comE oN aNd gEt mE!! You'LL NEvER bE LoNELy.. ... ....Hahahaha!!

16.fave events?
*iNtRams, humaNitiEs, outbouNd, YMSAT wEEk...hahaha!! Bsta Lht Ng wLNg kLasE!!

17.saan ang paborito mong place sa klasrum?
*khit saN, basta may kadaLdaLaN..hEhE....

18.natutulog ka ba sa klase?
*NopE...pumipikit LaNg...

19.favorite mo ba ang PE?
*Not REaLLy...but I'm good at it...hEhEhE...

20.may swimming pool ba kayo sa skul?
*yEah...oLympic sizE pa Nga Eh...

21. oval?
*yup!

22.basketball court?
*yah...

23.naisip mo na bang sunugin ang skul niyo?
*hahaha!! Pag NagLoLokohaN...;)

24.nagprom ba kayo? sinong partner mo?
*NuNg 3Rd yEaR...my pRomdatE was mR. Luigi cataLaN...di ko LNg aLam sa fouRth yEaR...

25.may nakaaway ka bang teacher?
*kaaway??...waLa...mabait Nga!! Hahaha!!

26.ano ang pinakamamimiss mo sa HS?
*fRiENds...mEmoRiEs...thE schooL itsELf...at uNg mga tao duN...

27.worst kalokohan nung hayskul?
*kaLokohaN?...hmmm...NagwawaLa sa caf,,kumakaNta??

28.greatest regret?
*I didN't ExactLy gavE my 100%...

29.if given the chance, gusto m p b ulit HS?
*huh?...ayaw koNg umuLit...pERo gusto koNg tumagaL pa...hEhE...

30. anu-ano sections mo nung HS?
*Ruby-jasmiN-bERyLLium-gRavitoN

youR tRuE coLoR (La-La-La!!)

2006-06-03T00:28:00.000+08:00

Your true color is Green!

What's Your True Color?

Brought to you by Tickle

hehehe...wala lang...naisip ko lang tong ilagay dito...kahit na months old na xa...hahaha!!...wala lang...;)

my LovE stoRy...WAPAK!!

2006-06-01T13:37:00.000+08:00

haha!! i took this test weeks ago, but i only remembered it now, kaya yan...ngayon ko lang ipopost...hehe..basta ganito daw ako magmahal...basa nalang...=p

What's Your Love Story?

Jami, Loving Too Much is your primary love story!

The Loving Too Much story stems from your overflowing love and hope. Sometimes, however, it can be muddied by misguided feelings, expectations and sometimes, an unrequited desire.

The people you're most attracted to are usually just out of reach and all the more alluring for it — like those early crushes on teen idols. The less available your partner is, emotionally and physically, the more desirable he becomes.

You daydream, and your imagination fills in the details that reality hasn't provided. Do you ever seek out indirect contact with this person, visiting his workplace or getting to know his friends? Do you find yourself dreaming about marriage after a second date, or perhaps after a quick affair? The hit film "Fatal Attraction" illustrates an extreme version of the Loving Too Much story — taking it to abnormal levels. What it doesn't fully explore is the capacity for love that you probably possess.

People who share your story have plenty to offer, but they tend to put too much love into someone they shouldn't. Some people also interpret their partner's actions as they want to, not necessarily as they were intended. Sometimes this happens because they spend more time focusing on the fantasy of a relationship rather than the reality of one. It is also possible that you assign characteristics of your last love to the person you are dating.

Psychologists see people projecting all the time. Projecting feelings about one person onto another. Do you know the person you have developed feelings for, or are you projecting what they might be like because they seem to match what you want in life? Do you fall for anyone in a lab coat because you want to marry a doctor? Do you ignore strong feelings for a long-time friend because he isn't a doctor?

The Greeks had Venus and the Romans had Aphrodite. Your archetypal love story has been filling the pages of literature and poetry for centuries, though recently it's been negatively promoted by Hollywood. In film, the extreme form of your story can be found in the stalker of "Play Misty for Me." But let's not forget the classic "Cyrano De Bergerac," whose obsession with a woman is stymied by his fear she'll reject him over the size of his nose. In a more contemporary version of the tale, "The Truth About Cats and Dogs," Janeane Garofalo plays a woman obsessed with a man she's too afraid to court herself. These love stories are powerful precisely because they are shared by so many. Though the settings change, the story remains the same.

Loving Too Much is about the things in life that you don't think you can have, then learning to create a more realistic ideal for yourself and your partner. It's about working through the fear of rejection, insecurities, and overwhelming longing to love wholly and completely.

Research has shown that there are only 8 love stories, repeated time and again — and now you know which story you are living out right now! But, understanding WHY you are living out this particular love story will change the way you think about your relationships.

uNtitLEd

2006-05-13T17:41:00.000+08:00

I don't know why, but it seems like whenever I'm down, I still think of you. I still grab unto my phone and start writing down words of complains to you like I used to do, feeling that you will reply with words of encouragement like you too used to do. But in a few moments, I will start to realize that it's different now, things have changed and I can no longer do those things expecting that you will be there for me just like before. I really don't know why up to now, I still do this. I still think of you as my savior and my shoulder to cry on, someone who will lift me up and never stop trying until he makes me smile.

I've said before that I'm going to get over you, and I know for a fact that I am doing just that, but what I did yesterday evening surprised me. I almost texted you about my problems, fortunately, I became aware of what I was about to do just in time. And then, I started to think about those other times that I wasn't able to prevent myself from running to you for comfort. Though you weren't exactly comforting, you were still there. Haaay, I don't know why I still think of you as someone who cares and is there for me, even tough I have went through a lot of pain because of you. I can't bring myself to think of you as someone who's heartless and pitiless (wow, is that too harsh?? haha..). Is it right for me to still see you as that?

Haaay, I'm really confused and I need someone to lean on to. Who will save me from this loneliness I feel inside? When will you come? Please hurry, cause I can't this any longer.

REmEmbERiNg thE past

2006-04-29T18:04:00.000+08:00

I just remembered this something from a book that I last read. It's from 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. Yup, it's the book that sir Ed lent us last March, Charm and I. Charm's version is subtitled 'Together Forever', while mine was 'Moving On', wow...what a counselor right? Always there to offer help to his student's needs, all knowing on just what we need. Hehe...

Anyway, a few days back, an essence from that book just popped into my head. Maybe it was because during that time, I was thinking on how long I waited for Nico, how much I loved him, and how little I got in return. I wasn't self-pitying or anything, I was reflecting on the past, how that experience changed me and helped make who I am today. So, yah, I was remembering, my hopes and aches when I recalled that 'lesson' from the book. It said something like this (but since using the exact words will be too long, I'm going to use my own and paraphrase that chapter):

Men tend to move on easily. They tend to jump from one relationship to another. This is their way of coping up with the pain that they got from their past relationship. They try to hide and forget about the pain by moving on to another relationship. Sometimes, the faster they get themselves into a new relationship indicates greater pain and greater love for their past, while a longer gap between two relationships signifies less pain. This is because men, unlike women, keep their pain to themselves, they don't like sharing to others or analyzing their pain to themselves. So they take the easy way out, by overshadowing their pain from their past of their happiness from their present relationship. And the faster they move on to another relationship, the shorter time they will have to bear with their pain. But this is not the right thing to do, men are wrong from practicing this kind of ... ... ... (blah, blah, blah)

Hehe… So that's part of what the book said about men. And that was what I remembered. I thought to myself, maybe it's unfair of me to think that 'I got little in return' from Nico, I mean, while we were together, I did feel his love for me, and he also told me that a hundred times a day (literally). And I was the one who broke up with him, so it was partly my fault why our 10-month romance (5 months M.U., 5 months official) suddenly went down the drain (though he gave me reasons to do that). So I started to rethink my previous thoughts. Now I think that I got a lot out of him, he really showed his love to me, he did some stuffs without me telling him to do them, he did them because he thought that it will make me happy (and a lot did make me super happy). He made time for me and accepted me for who I am.

Then I thought, following what that book said, I guess he really did super duper loved me, though he might try to deny it now, I think he just wasn't fully aware then. After all, he did replace me just a week after I broke up with him! So, it was super fast, signifying super love. Nice conclusion right? Hehe...

Anyway, he might have a number of reasons for not getting back to me. And I myself have thought of a few reasons using his way of thinking. And I don't blame him for his reasons, it has basis...but oh well, we have our separate lives now, and our past is just something worth remembering and treasuring. It's one of those good old days and will remain that way...Adios!;)

my fiRst REaL buNot!! waRNiNg:mababaw toh...=p

2006-04-29T17:39:00.000+08:00

Last April 13, 2006, I experienced my first real bunot. Haha! Funny, you might be wondering why I will dedicate one entry just for this, right? I mean it's just an ordinary event in a person's life. Why do I have to take time to make this post? Well, you see, this experience is special to me, cause as I've said, it's my FIRST bunot! And it's a real one too! Huh?? What the heck do I mean? You have to read on to find out! Hehe...(Weird noh? =p)

Anyway, it's like this, all my life, I haven't experience my tooth being taken out by my dentist, when I feel that one's coming out, I just wait and let it fall out by itself (and of course with a little help from my forceful fingers. Hehe...)

Ano? Takot ka sa dentist?!! NOOOOO!!

It's not like that! I'm not afraid of the dentist or anything like that. Actually, it's the other way around, yup! MY DENTIST IS AFRAID OF ME.

Whaaaat?!?!! Bago un ah!

Hehe...Well, don't worry, I don't do anything to her, I don't threaten her nor punch her nor bully her! IT'S MY HEART PROBLEM THAT SHE'S AFRAID OF.

Your heart problem, why should she be concerned about that??

NO, my other heart problem! The real one. The one where I got three not-supposed-to-be-there holes in my heart.

Ohhh, that heart problem...But wait! I didn't know that you have been hurt thrice!!

No, no, no...the wholes are in my heart. I've had them since I was born; it's called a heart disease. But don't worry, di ko kayo mahahawa...and besides, figuratively, there's only TWO HOLES in my heart...hahaha!! (sana ma-gets nyo)

Hehe...I get it now...please continue...

So because of my heart problem, she doesn't want to take any of my teeth out using the normal way, the one with anesthesia. I use the special way, the wait-till-it-drop method! (Hehe...sorry na, ang corny ko...). I was fine with it until one tooth came out without the previous one coming out first. So the result, sungking ngipin. That's when I started to ask her to take it out the normal way. But she's afraid that once she injects anesthesia into my gums, my body will have some sort of reaction with it and I might have a heart attack, then my dad will come after her. In her words: "ayoko nga! Baka mangisay ka dyan sa sahig tapos sugurin pa ako ng papa mo, ayoko nga nun!" hehe...you see, she's a family friend, and she has been our dentist ever since I can remember, also, my dad helped her start up when she was just beginning her work, helped her find and get her tools, so she doesn't want anything to come between them...

But she did say that I could get a doctor's clearance and once she saw that slip of paper, she will take out my tooth. And after two years (yup! TWO YEARS!! I don't know why it took that long, really...) and a lot of money, FINALLY, I GOT THAT DOCTOR'S PERMIT!! (and I underwent 2D echo to have it) Yey! I was so happy...but I didn't go to her right away. Oopps!! My mistake! Stupid move! Why you ask? Well, I just LOST THAT STUPID LITTLE NOTE!! Who wouldn't lose it?!! It was so small!!

Haaay...stupid, stupid, stupid...Now I couldn't take that tooth out, my dad don't want to get another one (because it really was so expensive!). And besides, the note didn't say anything special, just "she can undergo any dental procedure, her heart problem is not a hindrance" (actually, it said something else, but that's the essence!!), but she wouldn't believe me! She said that it should contain what kind of anesthesia would be best for me blah, blah, blah...haaay...whatever, I give up! I'll just use my special method...

And after another two years...While we were in the province, my dad said that he's taking my sister to his sister's friend's daughter that is now a dentist to have her braces cleaned. And then...I saw the light...I saw my opportunity...and I felt my temporary tooth that still wouldn't bulge!! (Who would have guessed that taking care of your teeth could also be a problem?!? Yey to strong teeth!! Yey to close-up!!) so there, I said to him right away "can I go too? Let's see if she will take out my tooth, sige na, para umayos na ulit ung ngipin ko"...then he said okei...

So there we were, they were still eating dinner. So we waited, she finished, we went to her clinic, my sister went first, I waited, I was apprehensive...tic-tack-tic-tack...my sister's done, I was next...I went in, my dad went in...told her of my situation...

"so walang nakalagay dun sa paper na kailangan, baka nga naman kasi may mangyari sayo"

"wala po, sabi lang po pwede akong mabunutan"

"okay, sige, start na tayo"

then she fixed what she will be needing..then I looked at my dad, he looked at me and said "kaya mo ba?" obvious worry written on his face...then I said "oo naman!!" but more to myself than to him...then he went out the swinging door...

Then I saw the injection..."masakit po pa yan?"

"hindi naman, para ka lang kinukurot nito"

then I thought..'kinukurot?!! anong kurot, ung pino?!! Masakit un ah!! Kahit ung hindi pino masakit parin kahit papaano!!'...

then she looked at me, I closed my eyes...then shouted "WAIT LANG!!"...gasped for air...deep breaths, deep breaths...she laughed...I lied down again..then said again, "wait lang po ulit"..this time more softly...then she said "ganto nalang, pag nasaktan ka, taas mo nalang ung hand mo"..."okei"...then she went in...I was pinching myself, concentrating on that pain instead, but realized, 'di naman pala masakit eh, hmmm...ang tagal naman, nakakangawit'...then it was done...

"may isa pa, sa loob naman, mas masakit to ng unti"..."okei"...I thought, 'unti lang pala eh, sus! Di naman masakit ung kanina, kayang kaya ko toh'..but I was wrong, it was more painful than I thought, but a pinch is more painful, so kayang kaya!! Hehe...then it was done...

"hintay lang muna tayo ah, para umepekto ung gamot"

"masakit po ba?"

"hindi, kung gumana na ung gamot, wala kang mararamdaman, maririnig mo lang ung crack nung ngipin mo"

"e, pag po di gumana ung gamot?"

"hindi, dapat gumana un..."

"e pag nga po hindi?"

"siguro unti lang, unting unti lang..."

after a few minutes..."itaas mo nalang ulit ung kamay mo pag sumakit ah"...then she started, wow, it was painless, I just heard my tooth cracking, yey! Finally maalis na din ung ngipin na toh! And she was done...I came out the swinging door...my father looked at me, "ano aus ka lang?" but since I was a ngo ngo at this time (because of the cottons in my mouth), I just gave them a thumbs up...yey! My ordeal has finally ended, and it was Lance's turn...

I went to my dad..."pa, gusto ko ng ice cream" "o sige na, oo na, maupo ka muna dun! Ipahinga mo yan at naku!! Ako ang kinabahan sayo!!" and I laughed...

Hehe! You might never understand why this is such a big deal for me, but for someone who has been waiting for her tooth to come out for such a long time, like myself, this is like an achievement. Hehe...sorry na kung ang babaw ko...;)

EwaN!!

2006-04-12T21:01:00.000+08:00

oh my gosh...the pressure's killing me!! noone has shown signs of anger, depression or whatever emotion yet. in short, there's no reaction...YET...so i assume nobody have read it yet...again...YET...haha!! sorry for being so redundant. i guess it's just natural of someone who feels guilty, yet stable in her decision of letting them know. yikes!! that was kinda deep! (right?) haha!! waaaahh!! bangag na talaga ako!! HEEEEELLP!!

haaay...i don't know, it's kind of relieving, but somehow adds to my depression, my disappointment in them. basta! i have my reasons...

oh well, change topic. i'll now shift to something more happy(?)...what else?!? but my LOVE LIFE!! haha!! what can be more happier than that???!! hehe...anyway, since i've kind of indicated that i'm SLOWLY moving on from that ... uhm ... person (??) (haha!!), i'm kind of lost lately. i'm not sure whether i'm REALLY going through that change. i have to confirm it, through seeing him. to know whether something has really changed. so i have to wait for that confirmation. so right now, (since i haven't seen him yet [duh!!]) i have to be patient...PATIENT...patience jami...(haha!! labo!!)...

but one thing i'm sure of though is that i really got feelings for someone else right now. i also needed confirmation before, but i guess i already got that a while ago...hehe...so right now...i can say that i'm happy...i'm contented...but STILL apprehensive...

hahahahaha!! bwahahahahaha!! BILOG ANG MUNDO! (yak!=p)

what fRiENds?

2006-04-10T16:00:00.000+08:00

*This entry is a post-dated entry for Wednesday. I wasn't able to post it then because of our situation then (father getting sick then going to the hospital…check my xanga site for more info).

Haaay...Something has taken up a lot of my thinking time this past couple of days. It's an issue that concerns me and my friends. Actually, it's my observations on their behavior towards me, some actions that they have shown that have unintentionally hurt me. Haaay, it's so complicated, because I don't know whether to generalize it and concern the whole quote unquote barkada, or just talk things out between the three of us, 'cause in the first place, it was really just the three of us from the start. But wouldn't that be too hard? Putting the blame on just two persons when some stuffs could have happened because of the whole "barkada"? Though I know that some issues are just for the three of us, but how about the rest of the problem? Haaay, ano, naguguluhan ka na ba? Sorry na...

Anyway, I also have been thinking on whether to put this "emotion" in here or just keep it a secret, keep it private, keep it between us (if ever we find time to talks things out...if). And I have decided that maybe it will be best if I keep it from the public. Well, until something else happened that has really depressed me. I know I'm very sensitive, and some of the things that I'm thinking and going to say might be exaggerated by my way of thinking, but I still think that I have a point. So sorry if I hurt you, but I just want to express my thoughts.

Tuesday night, I received a text message saying: "Lakwa daw bukas, after card giving". Wow, Improvement! If before I complained on how they singled me out and told me about an outing late, now they told me before it actually happened!! WOW!!! Clap-clap-clap! But technically, it was still late, around 11 in the evening! Amazing right? I really felt that they wanted me in! But I guess that's better than telling me the day itself. At least I still have time to wake up my father and ask his permission while his in the middle of his dreams [sarcastic]! Anyway, one other thing that I noticed was the invitation was so PLAIN, like "come on! Let's go out! Kahit san! Di naman siguro important kung san tayo pupunta eh!" [still sarcastic]. So, yah, if you have guessed what I was referring to, good for you, for those who weren't able to keep up, I'll tell you anyway. THERE WERE NO PLACE AND TIME!! No specifications! I mean, hello! Surely I will need those infos in order to be allowed! So the moment I received that message, I knew instantly that I don't want to go [besides the obvious reason that my father's sick].

But that was not the end of it. As always, this happens. N.R. yup! As in they have no reaction [actually she lang kasi xa lang naman nakita ko]! So yah, again, I was very frustrated, much more, disappointed at them, though I did my best not to show it. They really know how to make me feel unimportant. Like it doesn't matter if I go with them or not, if I get hurt or not. I mean, I wouldn't feel this way if I know that it's that way for everybody. But no, I'm the only one who gets this kind of treatment. If *toot* can't go, they go to all sorts of drama as to convince her to go, the same with *beep*, but with me, it's always just okay, sure, whatever. [okay fine, in fairness to them, it's not always, just frequently]. Haaay, andami ko pang gusting sabihin, pero alam kong may masasaktan ng sobra, kasi magiging obvious na xa ung topic. Oh well, siguro it will be best kung samin nalang ung iba.

So I guess you have an idea how lucky I am to have that kind of friends. Really understanding friends. Very understanding. TOO understanding. To the extent that they would INSTANTLY accept my alibi for not going. YIPEE!! No wonder I'm so happy with them, that I'm contented with them. No wonder I have a lot of sets of friends, to catch me when they let me fall [which is often]. Now you know why I jump from one group to another, to avoid being too dependent on one group, to avoid getting hurt in the end cause they disappointed me. So I can continue to show the world that I am happy!! To forever hide from everyone my sad side, which is only open to my "friends". But since right now, I'm not exactly sure who my friends are, then I have to conceal it for the meantime.

> Wahaha!! I'm happy!!
> I wonder what will happen in my review class.
>haaay, sorry na, I just had to let all these out…

50 fiRst datEs

2006-04-03T17:37:00.000+08:00

With nothing else to do, I turned on the TV with the hope of catching a good film or show. And guess what, I did catch a great movie! Yippee! One point for me...Anyway, it was 50 first dates being played in HBO, starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore (some background info in case you have no idea what I'm talking about. But come on!! Who doesn't know 50 first dates!?! Who am I kidding?! Hehe...).

So there I was watching it for the nth time, taking in all the sweet parts, feeling the emotion, and then becoming emotional myself. Yeah. I cried. Again. It amazes me how much this movie affects me every time I watch it. It never fails to make me curl up and get all teary eyed! Haaay, the plot is just so interesting, the script so sweet, and the characters so enchanting. And I'm one of those people who wouldn't get tired of watching this movie.

So why did I get so emotional? Well, just like every other movie of its kind, I kind of see myself going through the scenes, being in the scene myself. I see myself experiencing the same things, such as finding true love, feeling special and cared for, and of course, having a fairytale ending just like them. I couldn't help but wish that the same thing happens to me. Not the forgetting my short term memory overnight part though. The meeting someone who will love me forever and endure any hardship for his love for me is what I wish to happen to me. I mean, who wouldn't want that right? But having experienced my fair share of tragic relationships, I should know better than that. I should have realized by now that happy ending such as those in the movies, rarely happen in real life. I should be skeptical by now, knowing possible from impossible! But I have to say that I still hope to find him. The one that will love me for who I am and make me forget about my bitter pasts. I guess my experiences haven't dampened my spirits much yet. My being a hopeless romantic still shines through despite everything. Hehe...

Anyway, I know that someday I'll meet my prince, the one that will save me from all this sadness. I don't know, I could have met him already, but one of these days, we will be happy together. (Haha! Sige na, tawa na! Laugh all you want, but I still believe in that we will be happy. Hehe...)

Though at times, I couldn't help but wonder why it couldn't have been them, my pasts. I mean, what's the purpose of us getting together if it's not for forever? Because I'm not sure if the lessons and experiences that I learned from them is worth all the heartaches that I got and tears that I have shed for them. It's just so painful. So, do you think it was worth it? Hehe... That's a food for though for you! Something to think about...=P

jEsus takE thE whEEL

2006-03-26T19:15:00.000+08:00

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance

To save me from this road I'm on

yes...

i'm gonna try to let go, again. But this time, I'm not going to force myself or something like that. I'm gonna let time and faith be in control. I won't try to interfere anymore. If something happens, it will happen, i won't try to stop it anymore, like before.

Cause I know that I could have forgotten him long ago if I only wanted to. But the only problem was that I don't want to. Like if I feel that I'm beginning to think of somebody else, and not him, I force myself to think of him again, to remember us again so that the fire will come anew. So that my feelings will return. Also, if i begin to not care about them anymore, I also try to concern myself all over again. Just so my love for him will not go...

But this time, it won't be like that anymore. Maybe it's better if I learn to forget him and really open myself to other possibilities. After all, he's not the only man in the world. There's a whole bunch out there who's even better than him. And besides, I'm really not sure why I'm still holding on to him, well besides the fact that I have genuine feelings for him. I mean, it's no good if he's hurting me, therefore, he's no good too. Haha!! whata conclusion!! haha!!

hmmm...anyway, there you have it. I'm done. I'm through. With you. It's your lost. Not mine. Cause you lost me. Farewell. Hope you survive. Without me. Hahaha!! Ang angas!! Anyway, it's true...though I think he has yet to realize what he had lost. And i don't care!! *wink wink*

>>>thank you for helping me figure this out. without you, i think i will still be trapped in my self-built loneliness...thank you...

magmahaL muLi

2006-03-22T14:37:00.000+08:00

Magmahal Muli
by Sam Milby and Say Yutadco

Umaasang magmamahal muli
Ang buong akala ko'y siya na
Kabiguan ang napala
Paghilom ng puso'y hindi madali
Ang malamang mahal mo'y
Walang pag ibig sayo

Ang umasang magmahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag-ibig
Ito'y darating
Ito'y darating
Ito'y darating sayo

Hanggang sa tayo'y matuto
Sa kabiguan natamo
Kaya ako ay maghihintay
Sa tunay kong mahal
Isipin ang bukas at kalimutan ang nakalipas

Ang umasang magmahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag-ibig
Ito'y darating sayo
Aking naranasan
Ohhhhhhh
Ang pagluha ng tulad sa ulan

Ang umasang magmamahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag ibig
Ito'y darating
Ang umasang magmamahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag ibig
Ito'y darating
Ito'y darating
Ito'y darating sayo

Ohhhhhhh…..ito'y darating sayo

>> oo na...corny xa...pero this is exactly what i'm feeling right now...that the only thing that i still have is hope. Not just in love life, but in everything. haaay...if i really think about it, everything's okay. i'm happy, i'm doing well. Maybe not how i really want it to be, but given the circumstances, aus parin naman eh. but behind the happy faces, the feeling of acceptance, hides something that we can not ignore forever. Sadness, the feeling of incompleteness.

It's sad knowing that not everything will remain, we all have to change and move on. But i just have to keep in mind that in everything, there are lessons to be learned, and sooner or later, something better will emerge. it's just unfortunate that in my case, it always have to be later...haaay...

Oh well...Commercial lang talaga un. The real topic is really about love, as usual. haha! haay...i always hope that i the next one will be better and will stay. But whatever i do, i always end up hurt. Bakit kaya? Binibigay ko naman ung best ko. And as the first stanza goes, it really hurts to know that in truth, he doesn't care about you, eventhough you gave your best shot. In the end, you have to learn how to heal all over again, and believe me, it ain't easy. And in every guy comes different forms of healing.

Hindi naman talaga ako naghahanap ng mamahalin eh, kusa lang talaga xang dumadating. At kusa lang din akong sinasaktan. Haaay, and also, as the song goes, i just have to keep on waiting until the right one comes along. Siguro i just have to accept the fact that in waiting i also have to endure all the hurt and just keep on going...

Haaaaayyy....buhay talaga...

poEm and soNg

2006-03-19T14:16:00.000+08:00

fiRst paRt: POEM

I made a poem. It's actually cute. It has a meter that follows the pattern of 4-5-6-5-4. Haha!! Though I have no title for it yet, can't think of any. Please tag me if you have a neat idea. Thanks! Hmmm...I actually wanted to make a poem about trying to let go and in the process finding someone else but still ended up hurt and confused, but it turned out differently, but whatever, maybe next time. Haha!! So...yah...it turned out very differently, 'cause I thought I already wanted to give up on him and I really planned on having the other one as my topic, but I guess my feelings for him are a lot stronger than I though. Imagine, my feelings presented itself to me through this poem. The poem just went right through me. Maybe that says something. Like, 'hey! It's not yet over! Don't give up!' Haha!! Asa!! Anyway, maybe I'll do another poem some other day. But right now, try to enjoy this one first!! Hehe...

Feeling confused
Nothing has changed
All's still the same
You never came

How it used to be
Between you and me
Fading out of me
I can hardly see

Can remember the day
Upon the grass we lay
You caressed me slowly
Words you whispered sweetly

Often I recall
Though at times I fall
I will not give up
My love will not stop

You said goodbye
But that's a lie
Will have you back
I'll try my luck

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

sEcoNd paRt: SONG

This entry is really supposed to be a comparison between a song and my life. But somehow, I came up with a poem, which turned out differently from what I planned, but nevermind. At least my entry will be longer. Haha!! Anyway, italicized and colored phrases in between the lyrics are my comments, or rather reflections about that particular line/s. So again, enjoy!

I
By 6cyclemind

Ay wag naman

Alisin ang

Nag-iisang panaginip

...wag ka nang tuluyang lumisan, please

ikaw lang ang nag-iisa kong minimithi...

Na ika'y magbabalik

Nagsasamang masaya

At walang pagkukulang

...sana...

[chorus]

At ngayong wala ka na

...bat ka pa kasi umalis...

Hindi alam kung saan magsisimula

...ngayon tuloy ako'y nalilito na...

Ang ngayon, bukas, kailanman nag-iba

...lahat tuloy ng mga pangarap ko'y gumuho

sapagkat lahat nun ay nandun ka...

Wala bang bukas

...wala na ba tayong pagasa?...

Ay bahala na

Ang tanging naririnig

Wala ka bang ibang masabi

...pansinin mo naman ako

problema mo rin naman ito...

Huwag ka nang mag-alala

Inintindi ko

Ang lungkot na ginawa mo

...kahit anong sakit na binibigay mo sa akin

andito parin at handang magpatawad

tatanggapin ka parin sa iyong muling pagbabalik...

[chorus]

At ngayong wala ka na

Hindi alam kung saan magsisimula

Ang ngayon, bukas, kailanman nag-iba

[chorus]

Paulit-ulit mananatili

...palagi lang akong nandito para sa'yo...

Pag gising ko'y wala pa rin

...naghihintay kahit walang napapala...

Hindi maamin

Ilang dalanging...

Wala na

Wala ka

Wala na

...kahit na matagal ko nang alam na wala ka na nga...

[chorus]

ay...pahabol nga pala! Para sa mga nagtataka kung para kanino yan...hmmm...continue on wondering!! Hahaha!! Cause I won't tell!!

REaLity sEttiNg iN

2006-03-18T16:10:00.000+08:00

I don't know what to do. School has practically ended, and my life has ended with it too. My only motivation to make it through vacation is that after 2 months, I can see him (them?) again. Though I know that upon seeing him (them?), they wouldn't even notice me, I know I will still make it through. I don't care if his waiting for someone else. I don't care if his with someone else. I don't care if his happy with someone else. All I know is that I love him and that's all that matters to me, and because of that, I will make it through. I've said this before, and I will say it again, I can do everything for him and I can endure anything for him. And I will. He can push me off all he wants, but I will still remain here for him. Haay...sad...

On the other hand, vacation does have its advantages for me. I can use it to test my faith. I will see if my feelings are true or just there simply because they are visible (yes, this test applies for the both of them). I admit that time and distance is a big factor. A lot can happen within the period of two months. I don't know, it can change me, it can change them. And hopefully, I can prove to myself if the feelings I feel for them are true. But if one or both of them disappears, then I guess it's for the better, right? I mean, at least I won't suffer again and I can start from scratch. It will be better for me.

But I will still see about that. Right now though, I'm in the state of confusion. I don't know who I really want. I mean, I love one, and I like the other, but recently, the other one is taking majority of my time and thoughts. Oh well, whatever, because either way, I will still end up hurt. No, actually, I already got hurt. Haha!! Fun!! But besides from being confused, I'm also lonely. I know I have no right to feel abandoned, but that's exactly how I feel. I feel like they left me hanging, no closure about everything. No explanations, only guesses. Maybe, just maybe, if everything was concluded properly, it wouldn't be so difficult for me. Haay...Poor me, always hoping for something, but never achieving anything but misery.

wEiRd...

2006-03-16T19:58:00.000+08:00

Haaay, peste!! I really thought that this will be my week. But something happened that will and have ruined everything!! Oh, well...Bummer! Can't expound on it though. Basta, I have my reasons...grrr!! It's really frustrating!! Bakit kasi...?!? Why do you have to ... ... ... ... ... ... We didn't even had the chance to ... ... ... I was expecting you to ... ... ... Haaay, oh well...maybe next week...I hope...I really really hope...I wish...please let it be...magcooperate ka naman kasi!! Raaarr!!

Haha!!

Sorry na...

I know...

This is very weird...

I'm really sorry...

Hehe!!

Ang labo ko!!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!

Wow...nice...but this is okay I guess...a nice break from all of my very melodramatic entries...
hu-waw...

you camE, you LEft

2006-03-12T12:27:00.000+08:00

While I was going through my notebooks from my locker, a piece of paper fell from one of those notebooks. It was from my "assignment notebook" (that sadly didn't serve its purpose that much, haha!!). This paper marked a page where I wrote a poem for him before. As I went through it, different feelings came rushing back to me. I remembered how I felt before, and realized how some of those feelings never changed through the course of time. However, some of those feelings just took on a different form, but still have the same intensity as before.

It amazes me how much I could transmit my feelings about love or heartaches thru a poem, but not about any other feelings or experiences. When I'm full of love or empty of it, words just flow out from me, and before I know it, I've created a poem that is full of passion.

Now I wish to share with you this poem that brought with it a lot of memories. This poem was written on a Sunday, on July 10, 2005. Please tag your opinions about it. Thanks!

YOU CAME,
YOU LEFT
10July2005

You came when I was all alone
I was heart-broken, uncertain, and more
You became the center of my affection
Although you were oblivious of my attention

It was confusing, much more hard
Not knowing what you had
But still I continued and showed you
The feelings that I made quite obvious

It's funny that you still didn't get it
Even though everybody already knew it
Finally I found the courage to tell you
You were cool with it and wasn't self-conscious

We sent messages day and night
Friends we remained and it felt right
Then one day you confessed to me
The feelings that you developed for me

I was so glad and it felt so surreal
We learned to love each other, and our actions made it clear
It didn't take long for us to be together
You certainly made my life lovelier

Together our relationship grew and bloomed
With each passing day our love was nurtured
The road in our journey was sometimes rough
But we were able to overcome our problems though tough

Then another man came into the picture
Breaking us apart and it was kind of immature
For me, it was a test of faith
For you, it was a matter of being there

Then slowly we grew apart
Unconsciously, you broke my heart
Apparently, an obstacle that is bigger than us
That our love for each other cannot surpass

It's sad knowing that it really has ended
Though I still smile and laugh in pretend
You left and again I'm all alone
Feeling more helpless, weak, and unloved than before

motivatioNs

2006-03-10T22:35:00.000+08:00

Last Thursday, I found out something about myself, about what drives me. I realized this during my three and a half hours talk with Kevin Gonzales (yikee!! May special mention siya!! =p). You see, different people are motivated by different things, one of which is our goals in life. It may also be our friends, school, or interests. These things somehow dictates how we go through our lives, affects the decisions we make, and most of all, how we perceive life. With Kevin, surprise, surprise!! It was his grades (wow...why aren't I shocked?!? Haha!! ). As for me, it's my love life. Surprised? Haha!! I bet not...=p

Anyway, it's true. I realized that day, and also when I talked with Gihan a few days back, that everything I do is somehow connected or will be of my best interest for my love (or like. ;]) for another person. It inspires me to do well at school, it decides how I fix my schedule, and also, it chooses if I will be happy or sad, wild or tame, in the mood or not in the mood. I don't wanna expound on it anymore though. I have to play it safe; I don't want my tactics to be revealed! Haha! Joke!xp

Anyway, this school year has been the hardest for me in terms of love life yet. And its effects are evident in almost everything that concerns me. And because of that, I know that I have changed...A LOT...In some ways, it did me good, but the percentage of its damage on me? A lot greater than that...I'm not particularly proud of what I have become, but I don't think I have much of a choice given the circumstances. I really love him. And by that I mean really. REALLY, REALLY love him. So you just don't know how much I was affected when I lost him. I can't find the words to fully describe the hurt that I felt. How betrayed I was when I was replaced, for I know how much he loved me, and yet he wasn't strong enough to fight for me. I can still remember the words he used to say, how much he loved, how much I embody his ideal wife, how there will be no one that could be greater than me, and how no one can ever exceed his love for me. And yet, those words just remained words. I guess I will not live long enough to see his words realized. And I have to live with that thought everyday of my life.

When will he come? I wanna know, will he ever come? Is there still a chance for me to find happiness? Or will I forever live in the dark; suppressed, perplexed and unaided?

Now I remember this quote from the most recent book I've read. It got stuck into my mind:

"You see yourself only in the mirror.
But I see you the way you can never see yourself,
All the pure things, neither good nor bad."
-said by Gan, 'The kitchen god's wife', written by Amy Tan-

I wonder if someone will ever feel this way for me. Can anyone really see what I have to offer? See beyond my drawbacks and focus instead on what I have?

All my life, all I ever wanted is to feel loved, important, and cared for. But every time I come near it, it eludes me. It's gone even before I fully realize its presence. So I always end up hurting, pretending, and longing.

REgREts =(

2006-03-07T14:37:00.000+08:00

Do you ever wonder why in life, we undergo a phase were we experience so much regrets? It's like we have never done anything just right. All we ever do is try to redo the things we have done in the past and wish that everything will be better. But it doesn't get better, and because of that, we continue to make more mistakes, then experience more regrets. It's like a cycle that will only stop when...

When...

Ahm, I don't know when, 'cause mine hasn't stopped yet, so tag me if you know, thanks!

Ahm, so as I was saying...Do you ever wish that it will just stop? Leave you alone? And take you back to the time when you still had 100% control over your life? Well, I have. Actually, I do, I want this to stop. I wanna go back, to the time when I was truly happy. When I still have all that mattered, when whatever anyone do to me I can bear because I know that I have him. But now that he's gone, I'm left helpless, confused, and everything that I do isn't just right anymore, everything began to go down for me ever since. Argh! Where's a time machine when you need one?!? Hell! Hasn't anyone come up with one yet?!?

I know, a lot of people have said to me that I can not continue living in the past; that I must move on. But how can I not want to live in my past when it is the only time in my life when everything was perfect?!? When I still have a goal in life! Look at me now; don't you think that I'm kind of wasting my life now? I have been continuously missing on every opportunity that is coming my way! I know that he's not everything, but for me, he has paved my way to everything. And don't blame me for hating my life now, if you could really see how full of crap it is right now, you'll hate it too! And that's why I need a time machine, fast, NOW!! Grrr!! I wanna get back my happiness!!

Hmmm, to this day, I carry with me gazillion problems, but mainly, I am focused on only two of those problems. Because they are the root of a lot of my other problems. And I am obviously regretting the fact that I ever let these things happen:

> Letting him go – wow, the root of the roots. How can one person cause so much chaos?? Blame it on love...it's a foolish thing to feel...disastrous...

> Ever having a "crush" on you – though minor, I still regret the fact that that thing ever came up. I was so peaceful in my own little world of remorse then he had to squeeze in and get some of my attention and tears. Stupid me, I really regret it!! Because of it, I now feel frustration towards him!! Grrr!! I have to be careful though, I don't it to evolve into something deeper. Actually, I don't like the feeling as it is. Whatever...

Haaay, my most recent regret though, is doing his bistable for him!! I mean, y-mikes and Celine tried to stop me, but I didn't listen. But now I regret not listening to them. Because, I know he will never do anything in return, instead, he will just hurt me like before, and he did just that, mind you. Wow. What a wonderful day...Full of regrets and loneliness...Why does this stupid love have to interfere with everything?!!! I hate it!!

When will all these stop? I want my old life back!!!

fuckEd up LifE!!!

2006-03-04T14:23:00.000+08:00

Fuck this fucked up life!! It’s so irritating!! Everywhere I go, it always slaps me in the face and proves to me that every decision I do is a mistake!! Ewan!! I can't understand this life!! I really don't want it anymore!! I give up!! Really, what did I do to it that makes Him let me suffer like this!?!

There's this saying that a lot of people say is true, "you can always correct the mistakes that you do". Hell, no!! That's a lie!! Some things in life simply can't be corrected!! Because if that line is true, then how come I'm still suffering?!? And no one can say that I'm not doing anything about it! 'Cause hell, my life is all about doing something to correct my previous mistakes in life! All my decisions are made in the hope that things will be better! But does it get better? NO!! It doesn't!! And everything that I do just leads to another problem, with or without it solving the previous problems! Putik!! I give up on this stupid, damn, frustrating life!! Maybe if I just stay unconcerned about it and everything that surrounds it, there will be lesser troubles to deal with.

Is my life really like this? Am I really in this world just to suffer? To endure every hardship that this fucked up life can offer?!! 'Cause if I wasn't, how come it seems like it?!! Everything that I see, encounter, and experience is just another way of seeing, encountering, and experiencing the other problems!! I don't know, but maybe if I really think about it, I'll realize that I have really gone through every form of hardship that this life can give to anyone!!

How can I say such a thing? Well, just this last 28 hours, I have already felt about a million heartaches from four different people: you, him, my sister and my grandma! Wow! I'm lucky I woke up late (12.30 pm...I slept for a whole 13 hours!! ;p), for if I didn't, then maybe that would be five people that will join together to make my life a living hell!! The fifth one will be my father.

Yesterday was already full of anguish, no need to expound on that...When I got home, even for a little while my miseries lessened...But just to pest my day, before I slept, he made me super depressed!! I don't know what his problem was, but all I know is that I have done my part. It really isn't my problem anymore. A while ago, a few minutes after waking up, I got into a fight with my grandma. It even made me cry!! I don't know what her problem was either, all I know is that I did that to prevent future quarrels between her and my father, then she got angry at me!! Shit!! That's nice! Can you imagine that?! Now, I'm the one who's at fault!! Gosh! Can't all of you fix up your life, so that maybe my life will get better, even A LITTLE!! RAAARRRR!!

So in summary, in those 28 hours, I was happy for only 13 hours (not even half of it =[ ), BECAUSE I WAS ASLEEP!! Wow! That's the reason why I love sleeping. It's the only part of the day that I can dream, when I could wish for a better future, when my world is silent, but you know what, even in my dreams, my problem still hunts me, still proves to me that I'm wrong. But that's okay, at least my life is better when I'm sleeping, more peaceful. I remember a quote that someone sent me before, it is so true for me. It says that it's great to live, but sometimes, it's more wonderful to sleep, because sometimes, it's more wonderful to dream.

REstLEss..

2006-03-03T22:04:00.000+08:00

So sad, I had a very bad day today, a very emotional one. I don't know, maybe I should reconsider my decisions, 'cause I realized, this blog is good for me, it lessens the baggage that I carry within me, makes me less depressed. I shouldn't restrict its content. Why should I care about what others think?!? But that's still a thought; I still have to think about it.
Argh!! So depressed!! I realized that I have A LOT of problems these days, but I don't think I can share it yet, 'cause even I don't know how to express it. Hmmm...what will I do?!?? I am so confused right now!! Again, I'm in i-don't-know-where-i-am-land!! I don't know what's happening to me, can't understand my feelings, afraid to accept reality!
Grrr!! Ayoko na!! Suko na yata ako sa buhay ko!!

*I can't wait to get my hands on the book that kuya Ed's going to lend me! He says it fits me perfectly, so I should read it, so I will...he says it'll help me, and I hope he's right...grrr!! >>bangag ulit!!! togoink!!<<

what's doNE is doNE...

2006-02-28T23:43:00.000+08:00

A while ago, the news spread. Suddenly, everyone knew. I didn't know what to do. Yeah, I was uncomfortable. Who wouldn't be?!! Everyone suddenly smiled in a weird sort of way!! So, what could I do? I was panicking inside, regretting why I ever had this blog!! Why I just had to reveal my feelings somewhere where everyone could just poke around! So I decided I will put a last entry that could have gone something like this: "this is goodbye, the end had come to this unprotected site. No longer will I have to spill, secrets that should just be kept. So those who liked my rants, sorry, but this is the last. Thank you for the tags, the hugs, and the counts. It really had been appreciated to the last. Goodbye to this place that had sheltered my thoughts, contained my sentiments, and saved me from madness ...... ". You know, all that drama, to indicate that I'm going to leave this blog....

But then again, I thought, why will I do that? This is a blog, and it served its purpose well, an outlet for my feelings, a place for my thoughts. Whatever I say in here IS my responsibility, but it is MY thoughts, MY opinions. No one should have control over what I want to write here, for AGAIN, THIS IS MY OPINIONS. And this is exactly the purpose of my blog, to house and voice out my opinions!! And then came one more reason, a more important reason. I remembered for who this blog really is. Why I made this blog in the first place. Because I wanted another blog where, I will make it clear, I can talk about him freely, where I can release my heartaches for one specific person. So why should I close something for someone new when in the first place it isn't even for him? So that's how I decided that I will retain this blogspot...

But, of course, with changes...

This blog will return to its original topic...however boring, unvarying it may be, I don't care. This would be the last entry that will have even a little emotional attachment about that recent one. For when he's the topic, things get complicated! Haha!! So maybe in the future, when the need arises, I can just open a new blog, but I doubt that...

There, end that part of this blog just in time for the end of this month...hehe...wala lang...

So read: this is not a blog for that new one...this is a NICO blog...N-I-C-O... please repeat...N-I-C-O... okei...Understand? Good...;)

So there, ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry for another weird entry. Please bear with me, but by now, you should have gotten used to me...haha!!=D

staRtEd doNE

2006-02-28T23:38:00.000+08:00

Yeah, it started really simply,
Two persons met unknowingly.
Were not looking for anything,
But they ended up with something.

She decided to get closer,
But to him she did not matter.
To others he's always able,
With him, she felt invisible.

With a talk she opened his eyes,
Told him what was wrong while she cries.
He listened, promised he will change,
But changing was beyond his range.

Nevertheless, you should have seen,
What a lovely night it had been.
At least for her mind, this is true,
But what he thought, she has no clue.

But because of what he became,
She thought she felt something just flame.
She wrote, suddenly the news flew,
But nothing came from him, what's new?

She can't do anything, you see,
For it is never meant to be.
Was done long before it began,
This feeling is now in the can.

sEntimENts aNd REvELatioNs

2006-02-24T19:19:00.000+08:00

So, is this what you really want, that after everything that recently happened, everything will go back to normal? But on second thought, this isn't even normal, because it seems like were going back to the start. What we were before "the talk". I really thought that that talk was something, that I finally got through you, that you now understand, that everything is going to be all right. But no, I was wrong...again. I was stupid to believe that, and for that I am disappointed (again).

Well, maybe it's just me. Maybe, I expected a lot from you, more than what you are willing to give or do. But then again...helloooo! You weren't even trying. Honestly! I can't feel, nor see, any effort coming from you. I'm sorry if you think that I'm being unfair, but this is just how I feel. I don't know, maybe I am wrong, but right now, I don't think that I am, I feel that I have a point...

I have a question that may clear all this. I just want to know, when I told you that after that thing, it's up to you if you still want to put an effort in getting to know me better, is ignoring me your response to that? Is this your way of telling me that you want nothing to do with me anymore? I really hope not, for that will really upset me. Also, I don't think that it is, for I don't think that you want that, however, I can't help but wonder because that's the message that I get...sorry...

Anyway, my title says that this entry is a revelation. 'About what?' you might ask. Well, as you might have noticed, our relationship is one hell of a roller coaster. One time I'm okay with you, and then the next minute, I'm irritated at you. The same goes for my feelings for you, right? Well, my revelation is somehow related to that. It might also help you understand why I've been acting weirder lately. It could be summed up in this one simple sentence: I think I fell for the one that I was with that one special night. There, I hope you understood that. But I just want to clarify some things. That one and you might be the same person, but those two have very different personalities. I, therefore, fell for him and not you. I know, weird, right? I'm sorry if it is, but I am also confused. I easily mistake my feelings for him as my feelings for you. I look for him in you (he is, after all, in you...somewhere). But he is now gone, for he only existed for a night, when I still didn't know what I felt for him, and my realizations is now too late to matter. But don't worry, I'm working on this mess, hopefully by next week I'll be able to fix everything, which is my thoughts...Also, it's not love, it's too fast for that, also not crush, still too heavy (?). I guess I like to call the feeling fascination. Haha!! I know, I am very VERY weird!! RaaaRR!!!

pRom =)

2006-02-24T19:00:00.000+08:00

(post-dated entry for February 18)
prologue will be found at my xanga site=)

So there, I arrived at the salon at around 3.30. I got my nails (French tip), make-up, and hair done there. My make-up was fine, though I would have preferred lighter or redder shades. Then my hair was put up (during this time, my father went out to look for a boutonniere). I didn't like the first style that was done to my hair, so I showed it and said straight out "mukha akong matanda". I was actually frowning at this time for I was also pressured for my date is already near our house. So the stylist hurriedly redid my hair and I said "better" (now smiling...haha! Ang sama ko!!). We left and arrived home at 5.30, Luigi was already waiting for he arrived at 5.15. I got dressed up and accessorized, and then we left.

This is the cool part, as we got in the car, guess what song was playing on??? NARDA!!! Cute right? Imagine the timing! It really has to be the song that i dedicated to him. haha!! Anyway, on the way to the hotel, he put on my corsage (my corsage was really nice, so pretty and fragrant) and I put on his boutonniere (it wasn't that nice...Hindi kasi ako ung pumili...Haha!!). We talked about random stuffs and surprisingly, there were no awkward silence. Yippee!!=p

We arrived at the hotel late, due to traffic, at 7. We saw some friends, and a lot of people, had a lot of pictures taken and eventually went up to the Rizal ballroom. We registered, I had my solo pic taken, we walked around a bit, voted for the awards, and we went to the room that his family got for the night to get his cam (he gave me his token at this point=p). When we returned, the program has started and there was a pair of professional dancers at the dance floor, then the opening remarks were said by Rob Roque, the symbolic passing of the key was done by Mariel '06 and Egg, and then the cotillion was next. Wow, cotillion, the dance we spent so much time and effort on! Haha! =p I think Luigi and I had one or to mistakes, but that's okay, it was still beautiful and fun. Then we ate. I won't elaborate further, it's not worth it!! Haha!! =p

After some time, the nominees for the awards were announced. For prom prince, Be had two representatives, Paul and Jao (who actually won! Yey! Congrats Jao! =]). For prom princess, I WAS NOMINATED! =) wow...I was sincerely surprised, but sad to say, I didn't win, Egg did, which is alright for she deserves the crown. She did so much work for the prom.

Then we went out, had out date pic taken and other barkada pics. our third pic was the best! cause Igi carried me!! hehe =) Then we danced. Of course, my first and last dance was with my date (actually, he dominated most of the songs...hehe =p). We were actually fooling around for we find some of the pairs too sensual! Shucks!! It was really entertaining to watch them! =p but the best part was when I danced with Nico Rogelio. Why? Cause in the middle of a dip, HE DROPPED ME!! Waaahh!! Haha!! So funny! =p and then, next thing we know, prom is finished.

After prom, I went with my friends to Starbucks for an after prom thing, Luigi just accompanied me there, but left with an excuse that he haven't asked permission from his parents (but the real reason is that he's already sleepy, I saw it in his blog...Haha!!). My dad also went to Starbucks with some of his friends, and he was just one table away from us, talk about awkward! Haha!! Anyway, we left at 2.30, arrived home and took a lot of pictures of me, and then I removed my make-up and prepared for bed and slept at 4...THE END.

*for my prom date: thank you for being a gentleman. You were the perfect prom date. You made my night a lot more special and made me happy. For that I am truly thankful. By the way, you looked good that night (I would like to say handsome, but that will only fill your already full head! Haha!! Joke!! =p) also, sorry if I have no token, I honestly didn't know about that until then...hehe...but I will still try to look for something, okay?

fEbRuaRy 13-16

2006-02-24T18:47:00.000+08:00

(obviously, a post-dated entry for February 13-16)

Monday: wow, I really don't know what to think. Just last weekend, you filled my tagboard with regrets and apologies. You told me (again) promises of change in IM. I thought you finally understood my sentiments, but how come your actions say otherwise? I entered school each day, full of hope that you will really change, but all in vain (again). I don't understand, what's the use of promising if you won't live up to it? And what's worst is that you not only promised, but you vowed! I don't know if you know the difference between the two, but there is a very big difference. Do you know how frustrating it is to be continuously shut out because you had something BETTER to do? Yeah, you continuously ignore me, stop me in mid-sentence to concentrate to somebody or in something else. You didn't even notice when I tried to follow you to congratulate you after you won. So what the hell, why continue?

Tuesday: This day is a mix of misery and delight. Both was and is being inflicted upon me by the both of them. First, during elective class, I gave him my gift, the things that I spent so much time on and did with all of my heart. I proudly presented it to him. As he looked through it, I can see him smile, that made me happy. Suddenly, all the suffering was gone, together with the sleepless nights and the pain I felt beforehand. I thought that deep in his heart, he appreciates it, that somehow, he also wanted it, but I was later proven wrong. Next, were you, you made me truly happy when you gave me the dozen roses. You don't know this, but that helped me in something, it really did cheer me up. It was a sweet thing to do. But the miseries came next. Is it right to leave my gift to him? I gave so much for that! It was such an insensitive thing to do!! It really showed how taken for granted for I am. And then you added to it. I wanted to talk to you, I wanted my pains to go away, but what did you do? Again, you stopped me mid-sentence, didn't even notice the tears flowing from my eyes! That really told me how insignificant I am. Haaay, why does everyone just walk past me? They say I'm special, but if being special means being unimportant, I don't want to be special anymore...

Wednesday: well, the usual...pain was still given to me by the both of them...

Thursday: yeah, I told you that I would like to talk to you, but you really just have to prove to me that I'm nothing to you. Haaay, whatever. But thankfully, we still had that talk. It was so relieving. I could see you listening, taking in my complains, processing and feeling guilty for them. I thought that that was the last thing I needed for peace between the two of us. But hey, it just couldn't be done...read future entries to understand...Hehe...(but it still wouldn't be complete, for i don't know how to fully relate my complains=( but i am really so sad...)

igNoRE my pREvious post!!

2006-02-10T20:36:00.000+08:00

Forget anything that you have read on my previous entry. For my decision has changed, again. The feeling that I thought was there is now gone (was it even there at all?). I knew this would happen, but I didn't expect to loose it this fast, AND easily. And I admit, I was hoping that it would stay longer (to be of help to my other problem), but as I said in the previous entry, things happen. And this is what happened, and this is the result of what happened.

I don't know if I'm disappointed at what happened, but I'm sure that I'm disappointed at him. I really am. Lalo na kanina, I was so disappointed that I almost mistook my emotions for anger. I think I was successful in hiding it from others, but every time I remember what was said to me, the feeling comes rushing back...haaayy...bat ka ba kasi ganyan?...bakit ba kasi di mo maintindihan?...bakit ang unfair at ang insensitive mo?...can you even feel at all?!? Haaay,,oh well...malapit na naman toh, sandali nalang, after that, it's over, I don't have to look like a fool anymore. Ewan ko na kung ano na tayo after that, it will be up to you na, for the first action will definitely not come from me anymore.

Anyway, wala na talaga at hinding-hindi ko na ibabalik un...Siguro keilangan ko na talagang ibalik ung full concentration ko kei nico...xa nalang talaga para di na magulo. And at least I'm used to the pain that he inflicts on me na..haaay..un lang...

*kung nababasa mo toh,,sorry,,ewan ko kung gets mo kung sino ka..basta sa tingin ko naman obvious naman eh...sorry kung ang arte ko ah...ganito na talaga ako dati pa...sorry kung keilangan mo pa tuloy akong pagtiyagaan, alam ko namang napipilitan ka nalang eh. Don't worry, malapit nang matapos toh, then I'll be out of your hair na...I'm really sorry, kung di mo ineexpect na ganto ako,,sorry kakaiba ugali ko..sorry kung nagsisisi ka na ngayon na ako pa kasi ung.....haaay,,basta un,,sorry...

NEw fEELiNg

2006-02-07T21:49:00.000+08:00

*note: this entry is completely random, weird, and has no direction. I would just jot down anything that I feel like saying to relate this revelation...(See, even the note is difficult to understand...haha!)

How can I explain this feeling? Its so weird, and I cant even find the words to fully describe it. Im afraid to totally analyze it for Im afraid of what my conclusion could be. Ive always said that it was nothing, but how come I can feel something? Im even afraid to fully write my feelings in this entry for Im afraid that he might see it, not that he goes here often, but doesnt that hesitation in itself say something? But should I listen to that little voice inside of my head? Or should I just ignore it for it would just make things more complicated? Argh!!...I hate feeling this way...I hate having no answers and guessing what Im feeling, most of all, I hate trying to cover up and denying my feelings from MYSELF...These are my thoughts, I should have control over them, but how come I dont???

You see, I dont think Im ready yet for another, for that only means one thing: HEART BREAK. But somehow, things happen, I begin to feel a whole new set of emotions. I try to cover it up, from others but mostly from my own self. I know that I shouldnt, so I try to take control of my mind, dictate upon it to disregard its newly found attachment, to deny myself from the delight that he might bring, but I guess my mind has a mind of its own (huh??) for it doesnt follow my orders. It takes a different path that leads to a totally wrong result. Now I am a slave of my own feelings again, struggling to take control, pressed to make a difference, and running away from the truth...

Though at times this isnt always true. At times I am sure that it is just mere infatuation. It may just be a feeling assumed by my thoughts because of the current conditions...But even though I try to deny it, how can I explain the fact that my eyes continuously search for him? That I am desperate for him to finally notice me, not just notice me, but really notice me? It could still just be infatuation, right?

Haay...whichever way...I think I have made a decision a while ago, with Gihan. Yes, I finally agreed with what my mind had been bugging me all along. But giving in doesnt mean that I wont try to forget the feeling anymore. For I know that it has to stop. It simply has to go...

aNo ka Na Nga ba paRa sakiN?

2006-02-05T15:26:00.000+08:00

Yan ung isa pang bumabagabag sa utak ko buong linggo...pero kung iisipin,,di ko naman dapat tinatanong yan sa sarili ko...alam ko naman kasi sa sarili ko na natutuwa lang ako sa kanya...kaso ang daming nagtatanong sakin...ang daming nagkokonekta saming dalawa...kaya di ko maiwasan na pagisipan nga kung iba na ba ung nararamdaman ko sa kanya...

And everytime, my answer is always the same...kaya once and for all Im gonna clear this issue...WALA...walang namamagitan samin at di ko po xa crush...like ive said earlier,,natutuwa lang ako sa kanya..saka xempre gusto kong mapalapit sa kanya...bakit naman hindi diba?...

Oo,,aaminin ko,,I am extra thoughtful sa kanya,,but thats just because natutuwa nga ako sa kanya..and xempre,,I kinda feel like I have to be extra sweet to him, feeling ko responsibility ko un...kaya sana wag neo nang lagyan ng meaning un..since between the two of us, wala naman un...saka ganito lang talaga ung nature ko...

But I have to admit, medyo gusto ko ding magrespond xa sa mga ginagawa ko..feeling ko I deserve that...I also feel that he should spend more time with me..cause if he doesnt do that soon..he wouldnt like what will happen..hehe..nangtakot daw ba..haaay,,basta!! Sana mapansin din naman nea ako!! Naiinip na ako noh!! Haha!!

Uhm..ano pa ba?...if youre reading this...this is for you...wala lang...

Narda
by Kamikazee

Tila ibon kung lumipad,

Sumabay sa hangin ako’y napatingin

Sa dalagang nababalot ng hiwaga.

Mapapansin kaya

Sa dami ng yong gingawa

Kung kaagaw ko ang lahat

May pag asa bang makilala ka

Awit na nananawagan,

Baka sakaling napakikinggan,

Pag ibig na palaisipan

Sa kanta na lang idaraan

Nag aabang sa langit,

Sa mga ulap sumisilip

Sa likod ng mga tala,

Kahit sulyap lang darna

Ang swerte nga nman ni ding,

Lagi ka nyang kapiling

Kung ako sa kanya niligawan na kita

Mapapansin kaya

Sa dami ng yong gingawa

Kung kaagaw ko ang lahat

May pag asa bang makilala ka

Awit na nananawagan,

Baka sakaling napakikinggan,

Pag ibig na palaisipan

Sa kanta na lang idadaan

Nag aabang sa langit,

Sa mga ulap sumisili

Sa likod ng mga tala,

Kahit sulyap lang darna

Tumalon kaya ako sa bangin,

Para lang iyong sagipin

Ito ang tanging paraan para mayakap ka

Darating kaya

Sa dami ng ginagawa

Kung kaagaw ko sila

Paano na kaya?

Awit na nananawagan,

Baka sakaling napakikinggan,

Pag ibig na palaisipan

Sa kanta na lang idadaan

Nag aabang sa langit,

Sa mga ulap sumisilip

Sa likod ng mga tala,

Kahit sulyap lang darna
(2x)

note: if wala kayong idea kung sino ung pinaguusapan..wag niyo nang pahirapan ang sarili neo...wag neo ng alamin!! Hahaha!!=D

uNdEcidEd

2006-02-05T13:39:00.000+08:00

Before I start this entry, Id like to clarify first the difference between alam and gusto. Alam is what your mind says, and gusto is what your heart says. With that said, Ill begin (nakana! Ang formal!! Haha!!)...

Bakit ganun? Ang gulo gulo na talaga, di ko na maintindihan kung ano ba talaga ung dapat. Parang ang hirap hirap ng buhay ko ngayon, ang komplikado, ang gulo gulo, ang labo. Kasi paminsan, alam ko kung anong gusto ko, pero may mangyayari tas iba na ung desisyon ko, tas may mangyayari na naman, tas maguguluhan na ako. Ang bilis bilis ng pangyayari sa buhay ko. Sa sobrang bilis nito, nahihilo na ako.

Ganito kasi un, alam ko, at maraming nagsasabi sakin na sobra sobra na ung ginagawa ko. Hindi na tama, dapat itigil ko na. at nararamdaman ko na rin naman un eh. Hirap na hirap na rin ako. Paminsan gusto ko na ding tumigil. Alam ko dapat na nga akong tumigil. Pero pano un, kahit ramdam ko na un, di ko parin magawa, wala akong lakas ng loob para magawa un. Marami pa kasing bagay na hindi alam ng iba na nagpipigil saking kumawala. Saka alam ko rin kasi na hindi un ung gusto ko. Parang ang hirap ideprive ung sarili ko sa isang bagay na magpapasaya sakin. Kasi alam ko naman kasi na kahit hirap ako, sa huli, dun parin naman ako liligaya, sa kanya parin ako masaya, xa parin ang gusto ko. Makita ko lang xa, sobrang maligaya na ako. Wala akong maisip na ibang bagay na nagbibigay ng saya sakin na tulad ng binibigay niya, kaya pano naman ako makakawala dibah? Kung alam ko sa sarili ko na sa kanya TALAGA ako masaya.

Pero di ko lang talaga maiwasan na paminsan minsan, habang pinagmamasdan ko xa, nakaramdam ng lungkot, ng paghihinayang. Na kahit anong gawin at ibigay ko, di parin un sapat para makuha ko ung isang taong nagpapaligaya sakin...

Sa ganung mga sandali ko natatanong sa sarili ko kung sapat na nga kaya ang lahat ng pagpapakatanga ko para sa kanya. Kung dapat ko na nga bang tanggapin na kahit anong gawin ko, di parin ako magiging sapat para sa kanya. Ang hirap nun, ung alam mo na un na talaga ung best mo, na sobrang pure na nung love na inooffer mo tas malalaman mo na di parin un sapat. Para na ring sinabi sakin na wala akong kwenta. Nakakapangbaba talaga ng sarili.

The past week was kind of a question mark for me. Marami kasi akong tanong last week na hanggang ngayon hinahanapan ko ng sagot. And for the first time, hindi lang xa ung iniisip ko (more about that on my next entry). Pero xempre, xa parin ung main. Haay...ang hirap talaga nung alam mo na sapat na, pero alam mo rin na kapag huminto ka naman, mas masakit pa ung pain na ibibigay sayo ng puso mo. Kasi xa parin ung ikukulit niya sayo...

Anyway, yesterday evening, some things have been cleared between the two of us. Alam ko malabo parin, pero at least alam ko na sinubukan ko ulit na magreach out sa kanya. Ewan ko nga lang kung nagets nea un...sana...

Anyway, dun sa aming paguusap, napagdesisyonan ko ng bumitaw. Ill try. Susubukan ko ulit, and if things doesnt work out again, maybe this is really my destiny, to wait for him...

if oNLy...

2006-01-28T17:22:00.000+08:00

JANUARY 28...

This day is so special...This day holds memories that will never leave my mind. Memories that*s so close to my heart and will forever be protected inside me. This day is the day that my dream was fully fulfilled. The day that I was officially complete...For my heart has finally united with its second half. Or rather, it has finally united with the heart that it wants to be with until that end. But sadly, this day will not be celebrated specially. It will not receive the kind of celebration that it deserves, for there is no one to celebrate it with, for the other half doesn*t even recognize this day anymore...

If only things were different. If only the situation is different. Then this day will continue to be one of the best days of our relationship. Then it will be as special as last year. Then this day will go differently for me. This day will be spent with the person I love dearly. I will spend the day inside the warmth of his embrace. I will go through the day with a contented smile on my lips. Everything would have gone perfectly for me.

Our memories continue to go through my head in flashes. I can remember everything so clearly. I can still hear his rejoice when I said those words. I can still feel his caring touch when i finally agreed. I can still smell his scent when he hugged me tight. I can still remember how it felt when he gave me that kiss. And most of all, I can still see the look in his face during and after that moment, as if he wanted it all of his life, as if he will do everything to make it last forever, to make us last forever.

But he didn*t..

He wasn*t able to do it. We weren*t able to do it. We failed in our promise to stick with each other forever. Promises that were said are now forgotten. The fire of our love has now turned to ashes, washed away by the rain and scattered by the wind. Only to be remembered by time...

For now he is gone. He has left me with a broken heart. He now has another, he has now moved on while I still continue to live in our past, trying and crying for it to come back, for it to revive the life that it once had. But until then, those will forever remain a memory, will forever be stored deep down...

If only things were different. Then I could say these words freely, happily, and truly...:

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MY BABY! It had been one very exceptional year...I am looking forward for another...=]

But things are different now...and those words hold no meaning anymore.....

oh...if only....

EvERythiNg is stiLL goiNg dowN

2006-01-28T17:16:00.000+08:00

I knew it...This is what I was afraid of...This is the reason why I wasn*t jumping with joy last week. Because I was sure that I will just lead myself on...grr!! So frustrating!! So unfair!!
****************************
Gosh, this sucks...He sucks!! When will all this change? When will HE change?! Why can*t he be mature enough to finally overlook our past and be civil with me? He is so childish!!

He told me that we*re friends...that he*s okay withme...but why do his actions say otherwise? He is so freaking ambiguous!! An example? Well, here*s one. Last Thursday, I was blabbing uncontrollably during our bael class [like I always do], ranting randomly, then I decided to try [again] to have a NORMAL conversation with him. So I talked to him, so obviously, the initiative came from me [again!]. But as usual, my efforts were in vain!! Wala na namang kwenta!! Pahiya na naman ako! Putik talaga! He just looked at me then! I don*t really know what his problem is!! I try, as hard as I could, to act normally whenever I*m around him, and he does the complete opposite!! Gosh!! That*s weak man!! Grr…I am so frustrated right now…!!

i kNow that i shouLdN't ExpEct

2006-01-21T13:55:00.000+08:00

The whole week I was wondering why they weren*t together that often anymore. And when they are together, they look sad most of the times. I think Friday was the day they spent most of their time together, but it was still short, unlike before. I thought that they might be having a fight, but it doesn*t look like it. Anj suggested that they might be just friends now, but I rejected the thought *cause the possibility is so low. Tatay said that they might be *nagkakasawaan na*, to that I said maybe.

But what*s more contemplative is it doesn*t make me happy. And if ever it does, I still can*t feel it. Tatay even told me *e dibah dapat natutuwa ka? Haha!!*. That was the time I began to think about it...Yeah, I should be happy...This could be my chance...

BUT I*M NOT...

Now I know why. I am more worried than happy. My anxiousness covers up my delight. For the vicious cycle is starting all over again. I*ll start building my tower of hope once again, only for it to be bulldozed in an instant once I*m sure that everything*s alright between the two of them.

You see, it’s the same thing every time. I don*t see them together, I get used to it, hope starts to fill my entire being, and then.... BOOM!!! I see them together...happy...And once again, I*m left empty, with the debris of my self made tower.

I hope to protect myself from this cycle. And I think I*m doing a good start. I just don*t know if I could go through with it, just how long I can put my shield up. I don*t know if I*m strong enough...though I wish I am...

buti NaLaNg

2006-01-21T13:51:00.000+08:00

I*m glad that everything*s fine between the two of us now. The whole week was a blur though, all I remember is I was happy the whole week...I wasn*t bothered much, or should I say, I didn*t let them bother me that much? Ya, that*s the right thing to say. I wasn*t affected much because I don*t want to be affected. I didn*t let myself be bothered by you two [not that there was a lot to be affected about. I*ll elaborate on my next post.], because I DON*T WANT TO. *sigh*, relief has finally come to me. I*m now free from stupidity [I wish]...

Anyway, another reason for my happiness is that Mr. Prom date and I are now okei with each other. =) [I think] hehe...We were okei the whole week, we were happy, we bonded slightly. I just wish that my view of our relationship now is already right, unlike before, he thought differently about us pala. So I HOPE that has already changed.;)

ROCKit sciENcE !!!

2006-01-15T17:44:00.000+08:00

Masaya ung concert...
Malungkot nga lang...
Wala ka kasi dun...
Sino kaya toh?...
Si nico??...
O ung topic nung previous post ko??...
Di ko rin alam eh...
Hahaha!!!...

tuLoy pa kaya??

2006-01-15T17:38:00.000+08:00

Tuloy pa kaya tayo? Tayo parin ba? Kung hindi na, pasabi nalang agad, matatanggap ko naman eh. At least pag sinabi mo habang maaga, maayos na natin, makakahanap na tayo pareho ng iba. Pero kung tuloy pa, paano na un? Sa tingin mo ba pwede pa? Kaya pa ba natin? Hindi pa ba huli ang lahat? Hindi pa ba nasira ung *samahan* natin? Sorry ha, kung madrama...di ko lang kasi talaga alam kung ano nang status natin eh...baka kasi may mali NA NAMAN akong magawa...Baka kasi di mo na naman maintindinhan ung mga pinaggagawa ko...

Ewan ko ba, sorry talaga...naiilang na talaga ako...mas nahihiya na nga actually eh...di ko naman kasi ine expect na ganun na ung nararamdaman mo sakin, sana tumigil na ako dati pa...

Sorry din ulit kung parang medyo magiging distant na ako sa mga susunod na mga araw. Ayoko lang kasing magmukha na namang tanga...ayoko nang maghintay...alam mo namang sawa na ako dun dibah? Sobra sobra na ung kay nico eh..ayaw ko na ung dagdagan pa..ayoko na ring umasa...kaya please naman po, favor lang, wag mo na akong paasahin..di mo naman kasi nagagawa..nabibitin lang ako...nasasaktan....

*alam mo kaya kung sino ka??...

saLamat kaibigaN

2006-01-15T17:27:00.000+08:00

Last Wednesday, I also had a misunderstanding with Krisha, Anj, and Justine. But honestly, I know that it was really my fault...so first thing the following day, I readily said sorry and admitted my mistake...and as always, they accepted it...actually, they also said sorry, but they shouldn*t have.

Haaay...I really have great friends...really understanding friends...again...I*m so thankful for you guys...HONESTLY...

But that night, because of that very petty *fight*...I went to the flagpole area where it is quiet and where I could think peacefully. I thought about a lot of stuffs...and yeah...I cried...I thought about how everything is falling apart and how everything that is important to me seem to be going one by one...I*m just glad that I wasn*t stupid enough to allow my treasures to go too, my friends...just like what I did to my life, him...

pLastic ka ba?

2006-01-15T17:22:00.000+08:00

Last Wednesday, I had another emotionally draining talk with Bona. As usual, binuhos ko na naman sa kanya ung mga nararamdaman ko. And what was our topic? Well, it was about friends, specifically short-lived ones...its really irritating...cause the only thing that I abhor the most are plastic people. I dont know, maybe its because of my frank nature, thats why I expect everyone else to do the same, to be real. Kasi naman eh, bakit ba kasi ang daming plastic na tao eh!?!

Haaay...so why was that brought up? Maybe because of the fact that it had been bothering me ever since *the war* started. I instantly realized then who my true friends are. The people who didnt leave me when I was at the lowest point of my life...The ones that supported me and never left me hanging...Unlike others who changed after *the war*.

For my REAL friends, you know who you are, salamat talaga, Im super thankful for you guys. Thanks for sticking with me. You dont know how thankful I really am for all of you. Words are never enough to fully express my appreciation...

At para naman sa mga nakipag plastikan lang pala sakin...Like what Bona said, I will just not let myself be affected by you anymore, I wont loose anything naman eh...

Haaay...thank you for listening and all the support and advices Bona....

bakit tumiNgiN ka LaNg?!?!?!

2006-01-10T19:52:00.000+08:00

Grabe talaga ang mundo ngayon..kakaiba na!!

Bakit ko naman nasabi yan...well,,dahil siguro sa kaisa-isang nakakahiyang pangyayaring nangyari sakin ngayon...NADAPA ako..oo..nadapa...as in...wapak!! SOLID!! As a matter of fact, I now have a very big remembrance of this misfortune...isang pasa sa aking tuhod...wow..ang sakit grabe....nung una nga akala ko pati parehong siko ko may pasa rin eh,,ang sakit din kasi nung mga un...buti nalang wala...whew...!!

Pero un ba ang mas nagpasakit sakin?..ung katiting na sakit na un?...xempre hindi!! Mas masakit yata ang emotional pain!! Tama ba naman kasi na kung keilan pumalpak na naman ang buhay ko..un pa ang pagkakataon na nakita niya ako!! Oo,,nandun xa nung nangyari un..grabe...sobrang nakakahiya...!!! Kea naman talaga kasi nangyari un ay dahil tumatakbo ako para maunahan at maiwasan xa...Pero as I was saying,,mas masakit ung fact na tinitigan niya lang ako...oo nga di xa tumawa..pero hindi din naman xa tumulong!! Ang sakit talaga nun!! Super parang ANONG PROBLEMA MO!! Ewan ko ba,,wala na talagang natirang gentleman sa mundo..parang ewan talaga..kasi kung ako un,,tutulungan ko ung tao,,para naman less ung kahihiyan na nararamdaman niya...ewan talaga..ganun na ba talaga xa kakaiba towards sakin? Kasi parang mali na un eh...hindi xa dapat ganun...haaay...ewan ang laking turn off talaga un...and Im not being unfair,,kasi first time ko lang sinabi na naturn off ako sa kaniya..ewan...nagiiba na ung tingin ko sa kanya..parang ang sama sama na niya...

Pero kahit ganito ang tingin ko ngayon..alam kong mahal ko pa xa...pero ewan ko talaga...sa tingin ko nababawasan na talaga...kasi paminsan,,hinahanap ko ung sakit pag nakikita ko silang dalawa...pero kahit anong kapa ko sa loob ko..paminsan wala ung selos o galit...parang wala lang,,so what...

At ito pa...oo hinahanap hanap ko parin xa,,natutuwa ako pag nakikita ko xa...pero lately,,di na ako nahihirapang di xa pansinin at iwasan xa...parang natural na paminsan na umiiwas ako sa kanya...kea weird talaga...kasi ngayon ko lang toh nagagawa....

Pero ang tanong parin na di ko pa alam ang sagot ko hanggang ngayon...hahayaan ko bang mawala tong pagmamahal ko sa kanya na kay tagal tagal kong iningatan at pinalago? Hahayaan ko bang basta basta ko nalang kalimutan ung mga panahon na inibig ko xa? Itatapon ko na ba tong nararamdaman kong nagdala ng lungkot at saya sa akin nitong mga nakaraang buwan?...

Hindi ko parin alam...parang di ko parin kaya...pero alam kong un ang tama...pero hindi ko alam kung un din ba ang gusto kong gawin...pagiisipan ko parin toh..ayaw ko namang magpabigla bigla na naman...sana kung ano man ang mapagdesisyunan ko,,un ung tama at makakabuti sakin...tulungan neo po ako Diyos ko...Salamat...

..thE possibiLity..

2006-01-08T11:39:00.000+08:00

Jami please.. My chance pa nman n bumalik aq dba.. – 19 Jul 2005 10:11:59pm

Plagi nman my possibility eh.. Hnd nman sabog buhay q dti eh.. – 19 Jul 2005 10:25:46pm

The words that keep me going...The words that give me hope when I get so low...The words that keep on bugging me when I become desperate...

The reason for my living. Those may be the only reason why Im still here, breathing. Its embodiment is the light beyond the tunnel that I have been looking for, 198 days to be exact, but still havent seen.

Oh when will I finally see it? When will all this waiting and searching finally be over and worth it? When will we be together again? Will we ever be together again? If not, why do you still let me suffer? Wouldn’t you be so kind as to tell me up front so I could get this over with? Im suffering, but I know that having you in the end will be the greatest reward for my patience.

Cant you see what you are doing to me? Cant you see what I have become all because of you? The times that we were together was the greatest points of my life, you taught me so much, and you still continue to teach me every single day. You may not be aware, but yes, you do, and I have been a good student, I try to keep up with your teachings. You have made me. I am your creation. So why are you indifferent towards me? Don’t you like what you have created? If not, tell me what to change so that I could be worthy of you...

I love you...and Im willing to go through anything for you...This I promise you...

mR. pRom datE !! :p

2006-01-07T11:19:00.000+08:00

Hmmm...Yesterday was again lonely. Hes not in school again; I guess hes really sick, not the sinat type, but lagnat na. Hmmm...I wonder if hes okay already, cause as usual, I havent heard anything from him even though I texted him twice already, wishing him well. Haaay, hope to see him soon, although I know that once he gets back, the peace that I had would be gone. Theyll be together again. Haaaayy......sad..

Yesterday...Yesterday...What happened yesterday??...I now have a date!! Yippee!! Happy!! He asked me around 5 oclock, so no audience. Awe...but its okay, its not the serious type of will you be my date? thing naman, so we dont need an audience. As a matter of fact, we were all just fooling around when he asked me. Haha!! But the flowers were cute though, 3 tulips, nice...basta, I can only say this to those who have a problem with my date, I dont care about what you think, hes my date and not yours, so dont make him your problem! And besides, I wouldnt accept if I dont like him you know (not the romantic kind of way ah!). Saka, isa pa, hes really one of my choices to be my prom date, kaya alls well..=)

Doodles!!=p

a LoNg timE ago siNcE i was this Light-hEaRtEd

2006-01-05T21:08:00.001+08:00

Hes not in school today. I learned from Jan Michael that hes sick. But oddly, I was happy… I cant remember the last time that I went to school without leaving it with a bad memory. Today was different, nothing made me feel bad, and nothing left me with a heavy heart. I was happy the whole day. Im glad; this hasnt happen in the longest time. I like the light feeling. I hope that it will happen often...

So does that mean that I dont want him at school? Hell, no!! I love seeing him, I like watching and observing him, it makes me happy. I missed him today, I wanted to see him, I was hoping that he would still come, but the thought that both of us didnt see him was just comforting. The fact that I didnt see them together was pure bliss. I prefer not to see him, if every time I see him, hes with her, its distracting. This is better.

But you know whats best?? If his at school and shes the one not there. I hope she would just stay at home, its nicer. Ill be so happy. My day would be complete. Argh! I just hope shes gone.

Oh, but on the contrary, something did make me feel bad today. The time that Anj and I had a misunderstanding, no, let me rephrase that, I understood her perfectly, I understood and considered her point; its me she didnt understand. I cant blame her, I cant express myself well. I know that they dont have anything against my other friends. Theres no reason for them to be, but what just took my attention was the thought that she thinks that I will let them feel left out, they should know better. They know that Im not like that, and they are not like that. If anyones like that sometimes, its them. I often feel left out when Im with them, but I try hard to understand them...

But Im happy that it ended well. It was nice, it was treated maturely...Yey!! I love my friends, I feel bad when these things happen between us. Im thankful that our friendship was able to stand all those misunderstandings. Im grateful that I have them as my friends...

iNsENsitivity that bRought mE iNto a dEcisioN

2006-01-04T22:07:00.000+08:00

I wasnt expecting this day to be so memorable and perfect; I just wanted it to be nice, to be more special than the others. I just wanted it to be peaceful...Is it so wrong to hope for ONE day where we can just be by ourselves, without her??? I mean, I dont demand him to talk to me or entertain me in any way. I just wanted a chance where I can just look at him freely, where he is not with her. To have a chance to say that we are together, even for a short while. I mean, they have each other everyday; they can always upset me everyday, so why didnt they just give me this day? Why cant they have the heart to let me finish the trip peacefully, without breaking down? Why do they always desperately look for a way to intentionally break me apart??!! Cant they just leave me alone for a few hours and let me be content with the thought that I spent the day with him??!! Is that so hard? I mean, they know they have each other, if theyre confident with their relationship; it shouldnt be so hard to be sensitive to other peoples feelings, such as mine.

I mean, there I was, just being thankful that I was given a chance to spend a day with Nico, not wanting more, just being content with the few glances that I could make. Why did they have to take that away from me?? Why cant they let me be happy in my own way?? I mean, it doesnt hurt them anyway, so why did they have to suppress me?? Do they really want to know just how far I can go, up to where I can control myself? Its really hard you know, to love someone with all your heart without that person even considering your feelings. It’s obvious that he would hurt me, but he still went on with it, he still chose to rub it in my face, to make me sober. Gosh, when would this end? Whats harder is, no matter what you do, its still you I want...

So after hours of pondering, I was finally able to come up with a decision. I hope I can do this, cause I have finally decided to stay away from him. Ill hide from him, run when I see him, change direction when we are about to past each other, wouldnt talk to him unless very necessary, and most of all, never ever look him in the eye starting today. This Ill do not because I wanna forget him, but because I dont wanna get hurt again, I’m gonna protect myself from now on, from him. But it will never mean that I dont want him anymore, I still do, more than anything, but I just hafta protect myself sometimes. But Ill still allow myself to look at him from afar, that I dont wanna deprive myself, I dont wanna be too hard on myself...gosh, this is hard, but I can do this, and I will...

So what inspired this decision? Its because on my way to the front lob (to my service), he was on his way to the front lob himself, he was only a few paces ahead of me, he chose to walk at the pathway between shb and the oval, so I chose to walk at the oval, to avoid him. I thought he was gonna turn left but he continued to walk straight ahead meaning that we will be walking at the same path, and we did (this time I was ahead). I panicked; I dont want him to think of anything, so.........I run. Why did I do that considering that that was everything I wanted? Well, I just know that that was not what he wants. Since morning he was making an effort of avoiding me, of making me feel less than a person with leprosy. So I decided to give him what he wants. So I thought, if I was able to do it at that instance, I can do it again everyday, so I will.....

iNstaNt EmotioNs...

2006-01-03T22:09:00.000+08:00

First topic: schooL...

Ang galing, habang papunta na kami ni anj and luigi sa back lob pagkadating ko nasalubong namin si nico (with pabs). Xempre we just stayed behind him, but I’m not sure but I think my face went red at that time. Super I didnt expect that he still got that effect on me, considering the long vacation that I havent seen him (actually I think mas malala pa ngayon). I mean, I know that I was still looking forward to seeing him and I know that I missed him badly during the vacation, but I thought that, even a little, the feeling have lessened...but I was so wrong...the feeling came rushing back at me the moment I saw him. And take note, I wasnt even sure that it was him at first. Argh!! I know that its weird, but Im happy that my feelings for him are still strong...

So after Filipino, while I was with Clarisse, I was already anticipating that I will see them together, I was already preparing myself emotionally. Sa sobrang kabangagan ko during those instances, natatawa nalang sila sakin at nahahawa narin. Haha!! And my decision was right, for I saw them at the briefing sitting beside each other. Ouch! It still hurts a lot. But I tried to cover up my disappointment. Haaay, I should be used to it by now. The feeling really sucks. Bakit ba kasi ganun?...i just wish they would stay away from each other!!

Anyway, nung BaEl naman, patingin tingin lang ako sa kanya. Grabe, I want him so badly, to be honest, he is the only person that make me feel this way (happy and sad at the same time). He makes me uncomfortable and conscious whenever his around. Ahm, I also gave my gift #2 to him at that time, I made celine give it to him...tas wala xang sinabi sakin...

But when we crossed paths again later that day, this was his exact words Jami! (pause: I looked at him) thank you… to that I sheepishly answered welcome in a barely audible voice. Oh my!! My heart jumped with joy!! Without looking at the mirror I could tell that I was so red then...shocks, Im really so pathetic!!

Haaaay...ang sarap ng feeling ng may minamahal, pero sobrang sakit din naman ng pakiramdam ng walang nagmamahal, na di natutumbasan ung pagmamahal mo...haaay..ang pangit talaga...

Anyway, kung nakakatunaw lang talaga ang mga titig ko sa kanya, di lang xa tunaw na, gas na din xa!! Kasi nag-evaporate na xa!! Kea buti nalang at di nakakatunaw ang mga titig!!

Second topic: bahay...

Whats their problem??!!! Is it my fault that I didnt like what they picked out for me??!! Is it my fault that Im so transparent that I tell them when I want it or when I dont like it??!! What do they want, for me to act like I like everything that they bought for me even though in reality I didnt like a single piece??!! I’m so sorry if Im not a plastic person! I just told you what I thought and felt. Grrr!! What they did only irritated me and angered me!! Na bad mood pa tuloy ako!!

Kasi naman...Hello!! Di naman talaga maganda!! Their all too big for me! And you know I dont wear black! As much as possible I dont wear anything dark, cause if you havent realized it yet, IT MAKES ME LOOK THINNER!! Argh!!! And all those earrings were pathetic!! Parang galing na galing sa bangketa. I mean, no offense, pero super ewan xa, I will never wear those earrings!! Ang cheap cheap ng dating! I mean, there are lots of stuffs from bangketas that I really like, but those were simply unspeakable! (I hope you already get the idea)

And one more thing, she got a lot of cute stuffs, and I got none!! How come she was able to look for cool stuffs for her and none for me??!! Liar!! And hello, I specifically asked for shirts!! Un lang naman ung pinapabili ko talaga, un lang ung gusto ko, pero ni isa wala!!!!

Putik talaga!! Para kayong ewan!! Asar!! Confident pa naman akong matino ung mabibili for me kasi kasama ka, pero mas pumangit pa!! disappointing ka!! Ang daya mo!!!

Para naman dun sa isa, anong karapatan mong sabihing ang arte ko??!! wala na ba akong karapatang piliin kung anong gusto ko at ayaw ko??!! eh sa lahat ng inalok mo sakin ayaw ko eh!!! ung huli nga napilitan nalang ako kaso baka maging unreasonable ka naman!! ang ewan neo!! EWAN KO TALAGA SA INYO!!

NEw yEaR..NEw bLog..

2006-01-02T20:25:00.000+08:00

ayan...may bago na akong blog...tamang tamang pagsalubong sa bagong taon..hehe...

basta,,un nga...gaya ng nasabi ko na...itong blog na toh ay especially for my inner thoughts and feelings lang para ung una kong blog ay para nalang sa mga everyday events and happy kwentos=p...with the exception of this first entry xempre..hehe...basta,,parang reflection blog ko toh...at xempre buhusan blog na rin..haha!!=p and i think you have an idea na kung san toh mostly magrerevolve...haaay..keilangan ko lang talaga ng buhusan...

anyway..sana maayos ko toh..kasi gusto kong mamaintain both at mapaganda pareho...uhm..sa mga makakabasa nito na blogspot din...tanong,,pano maglagay ng music dito??...hehe...salamat...

ahm..ano pa ba...hmmm...tamang tama ung skin noh? color pink,,babae,,tas xempre watching and waiting ung nakasulat,,kasi un naman talaga ung ginagawa ko...tumitingin,,nagmamasid,,at higit sa lahat ay umaasang babalik pa xa...oh well that's life...

saka ito din ung pinili kong skin para mukang happy,,muka lang,,para di naman maxadong sad...sad na nga ung content eh..dapat ung atmosphere masaya naman...tas baligtag naman sa first blog ko...hehe...

haaaay..wala nang lokohan,,pero sana mapadaan man lang xa dito...sana makita nea toh...malay mo,,maramdaman nea ung sakit na nararamdaman ko...malay mo may magbago...

malay mo...

ayan na naman ako...umaasa na naman ako...walang katapusang pag-asa....

uhm,,un na siguro muna...

*happy new year nga pala!!:)