JANUARY 28...

This day is so special...This day holds memories that will never leave my mind. Memories that*s so close to my heart and will forever be protected inside me. This day is the day that my dream was fully fulfilled. The day that I was officially complete...For my heart has finally united with its second half. Or rather, it has finally united with the heart that it wants to be with until that end. But sadly, this day will not be celebrated specially. It will not receive the kind of celebration that it deserves, for there is no one to celebrate it with, for the other half doesn*t even recognize this day anymore...

If only things were different. If only the situation is different. Then this day will continue to be one of the best days of our relationship. Then it will be as special as last year. Then this day will go differently for me. This day will be spent with the person I love dearly. I will spend the day inside the warmth of his embrace. I will go through the day with a contented smile on my lips. Everything would have gone perfectly for me.

Our memories continue to go through my head in flashes. I can remember everything so clearly. I can still hear his rejoice when I said those words. I can still feel his caring touch when i finally agreed. I can still smell his scent when he hugged me tight. I can still remember how it felt when he gave me that kiss. And most of all, I can still see the look in his face during and after that moment, as if he wanted it all of his life, as if he will do everything to make it last forever, to make us last forever.

But he didn*t..

He wasn*t able to do it. We weren*t able to do it. We failed in our promise to stick with each other forever. Promises that were said are now forgotten. The fire of our love has now turned to ashes, washed away by the rain and scattered by the wind. Only to be remembered by time...

For now he is gone. He has left me with a broken heart. He now has another, he has now moved on while I still continue to live in our past, trying and crying for it to come back, for it to revive the life that it once had. But until then, those will forever remain a memory, will forever be stored deep down...

If only things were different. Then I could say these words freely, happily, and truly...:

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MY BABY! It had been one very exceptional year...I am looking forward for another...=]

But things are different now...and those words hold no meaning anymore.....

oh...if only....

I knew it...This is what I was afraid of...This is the reason why I wasn*t jumping with joy last week. Because I was sure that I will just lead myself on...grr!! So frustrating!! So unfair!!
****************************
Gosh, this sucks...He sucks!! When will all this change? When will HE change?! Why can*t he be mature enough to finally overlook our past and be civil with me? He is so childish!!

He told me that we*re friends...that he*s okay withme...but why do his actions say otherwise? He is so freaking ambiguous!! An example? Well, here*s one. Last Thursday, I was blabbing uncontrollably during our bael class [like I always do], ranting randomly, then I decided to try [again] to have a NORMAL conversation with him. So I talked to him, so obviously, the initiative came from me [again!]. But as usual, my efforts were in vain!! Wala na namang kwenta!! Pahiya na naman ako! Putik talaga! He just looked at me then! I don*t really know what his problem is!! I try, as hard as I could, to act normally whenever I*m around him, and he does the complete opposite!! Gosh!! That*s weak man!! Grr…I am so frustrated right now…!!

The whole week I was wondering why they weren*t together that often anymore. And when they are together, they look sad most of the times. I think Friday was the day they spent most of their time together, but it was still short, unlike before. I thought that they might be having a fight, but it doesn*t look like it. Anj suggested that they might be just friends now, but I rejected the thought *cause the possibility is so low. Tatay said that they might be *nagkakasawaan na*, to that I said maybe.

But what*s more contemplative is it doesn*t make me happy. And if ever it does, I still can*t feel it. Tatay even told me *e dibah dapat natutuwa ka? Haha!!*. That was the time I began to think about it...Yeah, I should be happy...This could be my chance...

BUT I*M NOT...

Now I know why. I am more worried than happy. My anxiousness covers up my delight. For the vicious cycle is starting all over again. I*ll start building my tower of hope once again, only for it to be bulldozed in an instant once I*m sure that everything*s alright between the two of them.

You see, it’s the same thing every time. I don*t see them together, I get used to it, hope starts to fill my entire being, and then.... BOOM!!! I see them together...happy...And once again, I*m left empty, with the debris of my self made tower.

I hope to protect myself from this cycle. And I think I*m doing a good start. I just don*t know if I could go through with it, just how long I can put my shield up. I don*t know if I*m strong enough...though I wish I am...

I*m glad that everything*s fine between the two of us now. The whole week was a blur though, all I remember is I was happy the whole week...I wasn*t bothered much, or should I say, I didn*t let them bother me that much? Ya, that*s the right thing to say. I wasn*t affected much because I don*t want to be affected. I didn*t let myself be bothered by you two [not that there was a lot to be affected about. I*ll elaborate on my next post.], because I DON*T WANT TO. *sigh*, relief has finally come to me. I*m now free from stupidity [I wish]...

Anyway, another reason for my happiness is that Mr. Prom date and I are now okei with each other. =) [I think] hehe...We were okei the whole week, we were happy, we bonded slightly. I just wish that my view of our relationship now is already right, unlike before, he thought differently about us pala. So I HOPE that has already changed.;)

Tuloy pa kaya tayo? Tayo parin ba? Kung hindi na, pasabi nalang agad, matatanggap ko naman eh. At least pag sinabi mo habang maaga, maayos na natin, makakahanap na tayo pareho ng iba. Pero kung tuloy pa, paano na un? Sa tingin mo ba pwede pa? Kaya pa ba natin? Hindi pa ba huli ang lahat? Hindi pa ba nasira ung *samahan* natin? Sorry ha, kung madrama...di ko lang kasi talaga alam kung ano nang status natin eh...baka kasi may mali NA NAMAN akong magawa...Baka kasi di mo na naman maintindinhan ung mga pinaggagawa ko...

Ewan ko ba, sorry talaga...naiilang na talaga ako...mas nahihiya na nga actually eh...di ko naman kasi ine expect na ganun na ung nararamdaman mo sakin, sana tumigil na ako dati pa...

Sorry din ulit kung parang medyo magiging distant na ako sa mga susunod na mga araw. Ayoko lang kasing magmukha na namang tanga...ayoko nang maghintay...alam mo namang sawa na ako dun dibah? Sobra sobra na ung kay nico eh..ayaw ko na ung dagdagan pa..ayoko na ring umasa...kaya please naman po, favor lang, wag mo na akong paasahin..di mo naman kasi nagagawa..nabibitin lang ako...nasasaktan....

*alam mo kaya kung sino ka??...

Last Wednesday, I also had a misunderstanding with Krisha, Anj, and Justine. But honestly, I know that it was really my fault...so first thing the following day, I readily said sorry and admitted my mistake...and as always, they accepted it...actually, they also said sorry, but they shouldn*t have.

Haaay...I really have great friends...really understanding friends...again...I*m so thankful for you guys...HONESTLY...

But that night, because of that very petty *fight*...I went to the flagpole area where it is quiet and where I could think peacefully. I thought about a lot of stuffs...and yeah...I cried...I thought about how everything is falling apart and how everything that is important to me seem to be going one by one...I*m just glad that I wasn*t stupid enough to allow my treasures to go too, my friends...just like what I did to my life, him...

Last Wednesday, I had another emotionally draining talk with Bona. As usual, binuhos ko na naman sa kanya ung mga nararamdaman ko. And what was our topic? Well, it was about friends, specifically short-lived ones...its really irritating...cause the only thing that I abhor the most are plastic people. I dont know, maybe its because of my frank nature, thats why I expect everyone else to do the same, to be real. Kasi naman eh, bakit ba kasi ang daming plastic na tao eh!?!

Haaay...so why was that brought up? Maybe because of the fact that it had been bothering me ever since *the war* started. I instantly realized then who my true friends are. The people who didnt leave me when I was at the lowest point of my life...The ones that supported me and never left me hanging...Unlike others who changed after *the war*.

For my REAL friends, you know who you are, salamat talaga, Im super thankful for you guys. Thanks for sticking with me. You dont know how thankful I really am for all of you. Words are never enough to fully express my appreciation...

At para naman sa mga nakipag plastikan lang pala sakin...Like what Bona said, I will just not let myself be affected by you anymore, I wont loose anything naman eh...

Haaay...thank you for listening and all the support and advices Bona....

Grabe talaga ang mundo ngayon..kakaiba na!!

Bakit ko naman nasabi yan...well,,dahil siguro sa kaisa-isang nakakahiyang pangyayaring nangyari sakin ngayon...NADAPA ako..oo..nadapa...as in...wapak!! SOLID!! As a matter of fact, I now have a very big remembrance of this misfortune...isang pasa sa aking tuhod...wow..ang sakit grabe....nung una nga akala ko pati parehong siko ko may pasa rin eh,,ang sakit din kasi nung mga un...buti nalang wala...whew...!!

Pero un ba ang mas nagpasakit sakin?..ung katiting na sakit na un?...xempre hindi!! Mas masakit yata ang emotional pain!! Tama ba naman kasi na kung keilan pumalpak na naman ang buhay ko..un pa ang pagkakataon na nakita niya ako!! Oo,,nandun xa nung nangyari un..grabe...sobrang nakakahiya...!!! Kea naman talaga kasi nangyari un ay dahil tumatakbo ako para maunahan at maiwasan xa...Pero as I was saying,,mas masakit ung fact na tinitigan niya lang ako...oo nga di xa tumawa..pero hindi din naman xa tumulong!! Ang sakit talaga nun!! Super parang ANONG PROBLEMA MO!! Ewan ko ba,,wala na talagang natirang gentleman sa mundo..parang ewan talaga..kasi kung ako un,,tutulungan ko ung tao,,para naman less ung kahihiyan na nararamdaman niya...ewan talaga..ganun na ba talaga xa kakaiba towards sakin? Kasi parang mali na un eh...hindi xa dapat ganun...haaay...ewan ang laking turn off talaga un...and Im not being unfair,,kasi first time ko lang sinabi na naturn off ako sa kaniya..ewan...nagiiba na ung tingin ko sa kanya..parang ang sama sama na niya...

Pero kahit ganito ang tingin ko ngayon..alam kong mahal ko pa xa...pero ewan ko talaga...sa tingin ko nababawasan na talaga...kasi paminsan,,hinahanap ko ung sakit pag nakikita ko silang dalawa...pero kahit anong kapa ko sa loob ko..paminsan wala ung selos o galit...parang wala lang,,so what...

At ito pa...oo hinahanap hanap ko parin xa,,natutuwa ako pag nakikita ko xa...pero lately,,di na ako nahihirapang di xa pansinin at iwasan xa...parang natural na paminsan na umiiwas ako sa kanya...kea weird talaga...kasi ngayon ko lang toh nagagawa....

Pero ang tanong parin na di ko pa alam ang sagot ko hanggang ngayon...hahayaan ko bang mawala tong pagmamahal ko sa kanya na kay tagal tagal kong iningatan at pinalago? Hahayaan ko bang basta basta ko nalang kalimutan ung mga panahon na inibig ko xa? Itatapon ko na ba tong nararamdaman kong nagdala ng lungkot at saya sa akin nitong mga nakaraang buwan?...

Hindi ko parin alam...parang di ko parin kaya...pero alam kong un ang tama...pero hindi ko alam kung un din ba ang gusto kong gawin...pagiisipan ko parin toh..ayaw ko namang magpabigla bigla na naman...sana kung ano man ang mapagdesisyunan ko,,un ung tama at makakabuti sakin...tulungan neo po ako Diyos ko...Salamat...

Jami please.. My chance pa nman n bumalik aq dba.. – 19 Jul 2005 10:11:59pm

Plagi nman my possibility eh.. Hnd nman sabog buhay q dti eh.. – 19 Jul 2005 10:25:46pm

The words that keep me going...The words that give me hope when I get so low...The words that keep on bugging me when I become desperate...

The reason for my living. Those may be the only reason why Im still here, breathing. Its embodiment is the light beyond the tunnel that I have been looking for, 198 days to be exact, but still havent seen.

Oh when will I finally see it? When will all this waiting and searching finally be over and worth it? When will we be together again? Will we ever be together again? If not, why do you still let me suffer? Wouldn’t you be so kind as to tell me up front so I could get this over with? Im suffering, but I know that having you in the end will be the greatest reward for my patience.

Cant you see what you are doing to me? Cant you see what I have become all because of you? The times that we were together was the greatest points of my life, you taught me so much, and you still continue to teach me every single day. You may not be aware, but yes, you do, and I have been a good student, I try to keep up with your teachings. You have made me. I am your creation. So why are you indifferent towards me? Don’t you like what you have created? If not, tell me what to change so that I could be worthy of you...

I love you...and Im willing to go through anything for you...This I promise you...

Hmmm...Yesterday was again lonely. Hes not in school again; I guess hes really sick, not the sinat type, but lagnat na. Hmmm...I wonder if hes okay already, cause as usual, I havent heard anything from him even though I texted him twice already, wishing him well. Haaay, hope to see him soon, although I know that once he gets back, the peace that I had would be gone. Theyll be together again. Haaaayy......sad..

Yesterday...Yesterday...What happened yesterday??...I now have a date!! Yippee!! Happy!! He asked me around 5 oclock, so no audience. Awe...but its okay, its not the serious type of will you be my date? thing naman, so we dont need an audience. As a matter of fact, we were all just fooling around when he asked me. Haha!! But the flowers were cute though, 3 tulips, nice...basta, I can only say this to those who have a problem with my date, I dont care about what you think, hes my date and not yours, so dont make him your problem! And besides, I wouldnt accept if I dont like him you know (not the romantic kind of way ah!). Saka, isa pa, hes really one of my choices to be my prom date, kaya alls well..=)

Doodles!!=p

Hes not in school today. I learned from Jan Michael that hes sick. But oddly, I was happy… I cant remember the last time that I went to school without leaving it with a bad memory. Today was different, nothing made me feel bad, and nothing left me with a heavy heart. I was happy the whole day. Im glad; this hasnt happen in the longest time. I like the light feeling. I hope that it will happen often...

So does that mean that I dont want him at school? Hell, no!! I love seeing him, I like watching and observing him, it makes me happy. I missed him today, I wanted to see him, I was hoping that he would still come, but the thought that both of us didnt see him was just comforting. The fact that I didnt see them together was pure bliss. I prefer not to see him, if every time I see him, hes with her, its distracting. This is better.

But you know whats best?? If his at school and shes the one not there. I hope she would just stay at home, its nicer. Ill be so happy. My day would be complete. Argh! I just hope shes gone.

Oh, but on the contrary, something did make me feel bad today. The time that Anj and I had a misunderstanding, no, let me rephrase that, I understood her perfectly, I understood and considered her point; its me she didnt understand. I cant blame her, I cant express myself well. I know that they dont have anything against my other friends. Theres no reason for them to be, but what just took my attention was the thought that she thinks that I will let them feel left out, they should know better. They know that Im not like that, and they are not like that. If anyones like that sometimes, its them. I often feel left out when Im with them, but I try hard to understand them...

But Im happy that it ended well. It was nice, it was treated maturely...Yey!! I love my friends, I feel bad when these things happen between us. Im thankful that our friendship was able to stand all those misunderstandings. Im grateful that I have them as my friends...

I wasnt expecting this day to be so memorable and perfect; I just wanted it to be nice, to be more special than the others. I just wanted it to be peaceful...Is it so wrong to hope for ONE day where we can just be by ourselves, without her??? I mean, I dont demand him to talk to me or entertain me in any way. I just wanted a chance where I can just look at him freely, where he is not with her. To have a chance to say that we are together, even for a short while. I mean, they have each other everyday; they can always upset me everyday, so why didnt they just give me this day? Why cant they have the heart to let me finish the trip peacefully, without breaking down? Why do they always desperately look for a way to intentionally break me apart??!! Cant they just leave me alone for a few hours and let me be content with the thought that I spent the day with him??!! Is that so hard? I mean, they know they have each other, if theyre confident with their relationship; it shouldnt be so hard to be sensitive to other peoples feelings, such as mine.

I mean, there I was, just being thankful that I was given a chance to spend a day with Nico, not wanting more, just being content with the few glances that I could make. Why did they have to take that away from me?? Why cant they let me be happy in my own way?? I mean, it doesnt hurt them anyway, so why did they have to suppress me?? Do they really want to know just how far I can go, up to where I can control myself? Its really hard you know, to love someone with all your heart without that person even considering your feelings. It’s obvious that he would hurt me, but he still went on with it, he still chose to rub it in my face, to make me sober. Gosh, when would this end? Whats harder is, no matter what you do, its still you I want...

So after hours of pondering, I was finally able to come up with a decision. I hope I can do this, cause I have finally decided to stay away from him. Ill hide from him, run when I see him, change direction when we are about to past each other, wouldnt talk to him unless very necessary, and most of all, never ever look him in the eye starting today. This Ill do not because I wanna forget him, but because I dont wanna get hurt again, I’m gonna protect myself from now on, from him. But it will never mean that I dont want him anymore, I still do, more than anything, but I just hafta protect myself sometimes. But Ill still allow myself to look at him from afar, that I dont wanna deprive myself, I dont wanna be too hard on myself...gosh, this is hard, but I can do this, and I will...

So what inspired this decision? Its because on my way to the front lob (to my service), he was on his way to the front lob himself, he was only a few paces ahead of me, he chose to walk at the pathway between shb and the oval, so I chose to walk at the oval, to avoid him. I thought he was gonna turn left but he continued to walk straight ahead meaning that we will be walking at the same path, and we did (this time I was ahead). I panicked; I dont want him to think of anything, so.........I run. Why did I do that considering that that was everything I wanted? Well, I just know that that was not what he wants. Since morning he was making an effort of avoiding me, of making me feel less than a person with leprosy. So I decided to give him what he wants. So I thought, if I was able to do it at that instance, I can do it again everyday, so I will.....

First topic: schooL...

Ang galing, habang papunta na kami ni anj and luigi sa back lob pagkadating ko nasalubong namin si nico (with pabs). Xempre we just stayed behind him, but I’m not sure but I think my face went red at that time. Super I didnt expect that he still got that effect on me, considering the long vacation that I havent seen him (actually I think mas malala pa ngayon). I mean, I know that I was still looking forward to seeing him and I know that I missed him badly during the vacation, but I thought that, even a little, the feeling have lessened...but I was so wrong...the feeling came rushing back at me the moment I saw him. And take note, I wasnt even sure that it was him at first. Argh!! I know that its weird, but Im happy that my feelings for him are still strong...

So after Filipino, while I was with Clarisse, I was already anticipating that I will see them together, I was already preparing myself emotionally. Sa sobrang kabangagan ko during those instances, natatawa nalang sila sakin at nahahawa narin. Haha!! And my decision was right, for I saw them at the briefing sitting beside each other. Ouch! It still hurts a lot. But I tried to cover up my disappointment. Haaay, I should be used to it by now. The feeling really sucks. Bakit ba kasi ganun?...i just wish they would stay away from each other!!

Anyway, nung BaEl naman, patingin tingin lang ako sa kanya. Grabe, I want him so badly, to be honest, he is the only person that make me feel this way (happy and sad at the same time). He makes me uncomfortable and conscious whenever his around. Ahm, I also gave my gift #2 to him at that time, I made celine give it to him...tas wala xang sinabi sakin...

But when we crossed paths again later that day, this was his exact words Jami! (pause: I looked at him) thank you… to that I sheepishly answered welcome in a barely audible voice. Oh my!! My heart jumped with joy!! Without looking at the mirror I could tell that I was so red then...shocks, Im really so pathetic!!

Haaaay...ang sarap ng feeling ng may minamahal, pero sobrang sakit din naman ng pakiramdam ng walang nagmamahal, na di natutumbasan ung pagmamahal mo...haaay..ang pangit talaga...

Anyway, kung nakakatunaw lang talaga ang mga titig ko sa kanya, di lang xa tunaw na, gas na din xa!! Kasi nag-evaporate na xa!! Kea buti nalang at di nakakatunaw ang mga titig!!


Second topic: bahay...

Whats their problem??!!! Is it my fault that I didnt like what they picked out for me??!! Is it my fault that Im so transparent that I tell them when I want it or when I dont like it??!! What do they want, for me to act like I like everything that they bought for me even though in reality I didnt like a single piece??!! I’m so sorry if Im not a plastic person! I just told you what I thought and felt. Grrr!! What they did only irritated me and angered me!! Na bad mood pa tuloy ako!!

Kasi naman...Hello!! Di naman talaga maganda!! Their all too big for me! And you know I dont wear black! As much as possible I dont wear anything dark, cause if you havent realized it yet, IT MAKES ME LOOK THINNER!! Argh!!! And all those earrings were pathetic!! Parang galing na galing sa bangketa. I mean, no offense, pero super ewan xa, I will never wear those earrings!! Ang cheap cheap ng dating! I mean, there are lots of stuffs from bangketas that I really like, but those were simply unspeakable! (I hope you already get the idea)

And one more thing, she got a lot of cute stuffs, and I got none!! How come she was able to look for cool stuffs for her and none for me??!! Liar!! And hello, I specifically asked for shirts!! Un lang naman ung pinapabili ko talaga, un lang ung gusto ko, pero ni isa wala!!!!

Putik talaga!! Para kayong ewan!! Asar!! Confident pa naman akong matino ung mabibili for me kasi kasama ka, pero mas pumangit pa!! disappointing ka!! Ang daya mo!!!

Para naman dun sa isa, anong karapatan mong sabihing ang arte ko??!! wala na ba akong karapatang piliin kung anong gusto ko at ayaw ko??!! eh sa lahat ng inalok mo sakin ayaw ko eh!!! ung huli nga napilitan nalang ako kaso baka maging unreasonable ka naman!! ang ewan neo!! EWAN KO TALAGA SA INYO!!

ayan...may bago na akong blog...tamang tamang pagsalubong sa bagong taon..hehe...

basta,,un nga...gaya ng nasabi ko na...itong blog na toh ay especially for my inner thoughts and feelings lang para ung una kong blog ay para nalang sa mga everyday events and happy kwentos=p...with the exception of this first entry xempre..hehe...basta,,parang reflection blog ko toh...at xempre buhusan blog na rin..haha!!=p and i think you have an idea na kung san toh mostly magrerevolve...haaay..keilangan ko lang talaga ng buhusan...

anyway..sana maayos ko toh..kasi gusto kong mamaintain both at mapaganda pareho...uhm..sa mga makakabasa nito na blogspot din...tanong,,pano maglagay ng music dito??...hehe...salamat...

ahm..ano pa ba...hmmm...tamang tama ung skin noh? color pink,,babae,,tas xempre watching and waiting ung nakasulat,,kasi un naman talaga ung ginagawa ko...tumitingin,,nagmamasid,,at higit sa lahat ay umaasang babalik pa xa...oh well that's life...

saka ito din ung pinili kong skin para mukang happy,,muka lang,,para di naman maxadong sad...sad na nga ung content eh..dapat ung atmosphere masaya naman...tas baligtag naman sa first blog ko...hehe...

haaaay..wala nang lokohan,,pero sana mapadaan man lang xa dito...sana makita nea toh...malay mo,,maramdaman nea ung sakit na nararamdaman ko...malay mo may magbago...

malay mo...

ayan na naman ako...umaasa na naman ako...walang katapusang pag-asa....

uhm,,un na siguro muna...

*happy new year nga pala!!:)

Cox Internet