A while ago, the news spread. Suddenly, everyone knew. I didn't know what to do. Yeah, I was uncomfortable. Who wouldn't be?!! Everyone suddenly smiled in a weird sort of way!! So, what could I do? I was panicking inside, regretting why I ever had this blog!! Why I just had to reveal my feelings somewhere where everyone could just poke around! So I decided I will put a last entry that could have gone something like this: "this is goodbye, the end had come to this unprotected site. No longer will I have to spill, secrets that should just be kept. So those who liked my rants, sorry, but this is the last. Thank you for the tags, the hugs, and the counts. It really had been appreciated to the last. Goodbye to this place that had sheltered my thoughts, contained my sentiments, and saved me from madness ...... ". You know, all that drama, to indicate that I'm going to leave this blog....

But then again, I thought, why will I do that? This is a blog, and it served its purpose well, an outlet for my feelings, a place for my thoughts. Whatever I say in here IS my responsibility, but it is MY thoughts, MY opinions. No one should have control over what I want to write here, for AGAIN, THIS IS MY OPINIONS. And this is exactly the purpose of my blog, to house and voice out my opinions!! And then came one more reason, a more important reason. I remembered for who this blog really is. Why I made this blog in the first place. Because I wanted another blog where, I will make it clear, I can talk about him freely, where I can release my heartaches for one specific person. So why should I close something for someone new when in the first place it isn't even for him? So that's how I decided that I will retain this blogspot...

But, of course, with changes...

This blog will return to its original topic...however boring, unvarying it may be, I don't care. This would be the last entry that will have even a little emotional attachment about that recent one. For when he's the topic, things get complicated! Haha!! So maybe in the future, when the need arises, I can just open a new blog, but I doubt that...

There, end that part of this blog just in time for the end of this month...hehe...wala lang...

So read: this is not a blog for that new one...this is a NICO blog...N-I-C-O... please repeat...N-I-C-O... okei...Understand? Good...;)

So there, ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry for another weird entry. Please bear with me, but by now, you should have gotten used to me...haha!!=D

So, is this what you really want, that after everything that recently happened, everything will go back to normal? But on second thought, this isn't even normal, because it seems like were going back to the start. What we were before "the talk". I really thought that that talk was something, that I finally got through you, that you now understand, that everything is going to be all right. But no, I was wrong...again. I was stupid to believe that, and for that I am disappointed (again).

Well, maybe it's just me. Maybe, I expected a lot from you, more than what you are willing to give or do. But then again...helloooo! You weren't even trying. Honestly! I can't feel, nor see, any effort coming from you. I'm sorry if you think that I'm being unfair, but this is just how I feel. I don't know, maybe I am wrong, but right now, I don't think that I am, I feel that I have a point...

I have a question that may clear all this. I just want to know, when I told you that after that thing, it's up to you if you still want to put an effort in getting to know me better, is ignoring me your response to that? Is this your way of telling me that you want nothing to do with me anymore? I really hope not, for that will really upset me. Also, I don't think that it is, for I don't think that you want that, however, I can't help but wonder because that's the message that I get...sorry...

Anyway, my title says that this entry is a revelation. 'About what?' you might ask. Well, as you might have noticed, our relationship is one hell of a roller coaster. One time I'm okay with you, and then the next minute, I'm irritated at you. The same goes for my feelings for you, right? Well, my revelation is somehow related to that. It might also help you understand why I've been acting weirder lately. It could be summed up in this one simple sentence: I think I fell for the one that I was with that one special night. There, I hope you understood that. But I just want to clarify some things. That one and you might be the same person, but those two have very different personalities. I, therefore, fell for him and not you. I know, weird, right? I'm sorry if it is, but I am also confused. I easily mistake my feelings for him as my feelings for you. I look for him in you (he is, after all, in you...somewhere). But he is now gone, for he only existed for a night, when I still didn't know what I felt for him, and my realizations is now too late to matter. But don't worry, I'm working on this mess, hopefully by next week I'll be able to fix everything, which is my thoughts...Also, it's not love, it's too fast for that, also not crush, still too heavy (?). I guess I like to call the feeling fascination. Haha!! I know, I am very VERY weird!! RaaaRR!!!

(post-dated entry for February 18)
prologue will be found at my xanga site=)

So there, I arrived at the salon at around 3.30. I got my nails (French tip), make-up, and hair done there. My make-up was fine, though I would have preferred lighter or redder shades. Then my hair was put up (during this time, my father went out to look for a boutonniere). I didn't like the first style that was done to my hair, so I showed it and said straight out "mukha akong matanda". I was actually frowning at this time for I was also pressured for my date is already near our house. So the stylist hurriedly redid my hair and I said "better" (now smiling...haha! Ang sama ko!!). We left and arrived home at 5.30, Luigi was already waiting for he arrived at 5.15. I got dressed up and accessorized, and then we left.

This is the cool part, as we got in the car, guess what song was playing on??? NARDA!!! Cute right? Imagine the timing! It really has to be the song that i dedicated to him. haha!! Anyway, on the way to the hotel, he put on my corsage (my corsage was really nice, so pretty and fragrant) and I put on his boutonniere (it wasn't that nice...Hindi kasi ako ung pumili...Haha!!). We talked about random stuffs and surprisingly, there were no awkward silence. Yippee!!=p

We arrived at the hotel late, due to traffic, at 7. We saw some friends, and a lot of people, had a lot of pictures taken and eventually went up to the Rizal ballroom. We registered, I had my solo pic taken, we walked around a bit, voted for the awards, and we went to the room that his family got for the night to get his cam (he gave me his token at this point=p). When we returned, the program has started and there was a pair of professional dancers at the dance floor, then the opening remarks were said by Rob Roque, the symbolic passing of the key was done by Mariel '06 and Egg, and then the cotillion was next. Wow, cotillion, the dance we spent so much time and effort on! Haha! =p I think Luigi and I had one or to mistakes, but that's okay, it was still beautiful and fun. Then we ate. I won't elaborate further, it's not worth it!! Haha!! =p

After some time, the nominees for the awards were announced. For prom prince, Be had two representatives, Paul and Jao (who actually won! Yey! Congrats Jao! =]). For prom princess, I WAS NOMINATED! =) wow...I was sincerely surprised, but sad to say, I didn't win, Egg did, which is alright for she deserves the crown. She did so much work for the prom.

Then we went out, had out date pic taken and other barkada pics. our third pic was the best! cause Igi carried me!! hehe =) Then we danced. Of course, my first and last dance was with my date (actually, he dominated most of the songs...hehe =p). We were actually fooling around for we find some of the pairs too sensual! Shucks!! It was really entertaining to watch them! =p but the best part was when I danced with Nico Rogelio. Why? Cause in the middle of a dip, HE DROPPED ME!! Waaahh!! Haha!! So funny! =p and then, next thing we know, prom is finished.

After prom, I went with my friends to Starbucks for an after prom thing, Luigi just accompanied me there, but left with an excuse that he haven't asked permission from his parents (but the real reason is that he's already sleepy, I saw it in his blog...Haha!!). My dad also went to Starbucks with some of his friends, and he was just one table away from us, talk about awkward! Haha!! Anyway, we left at 2.30, arrived home and took a lot of pictures of me, and then I removed my make-up and prepared for bed and slept at 4...THE END.

*for my prom date: thank you for being a gentleman. You were the perfect prom date. You made my night a lot more special and made me happy. For that I am truly thankful. By the way, you looked good that night (I would like to say handsome, but that will only fill your already full head! Haha!! Joke!! =p) also, sorry if I have no token, I honestly didn't know about that until then...hehe...but I will still try to look for something, okay?

(obviously, a post-dated entry for February 13-16)

Monday: wow, I really don't know what to think. Just last weekend, you filled my tagboard with regrets and apologies. You told me (again) promises of change in IM. I thought you finally understood my sentiments, but how come your actions say otherwise? I entered school each day, full of hope that you will really change, but all in vain (again). I don't understand, what's the use of promising if you won't live up to it? And what's worst is that you not only promised, but you vowed! I don't know if you know the difference between the two, but there is a very big difference. Do you know how frustrating it is to be continuously shut out because you had something BETTER to do? Yeah, you continuously ignore me, stop me in mid-sentence to concentrate to somebody or in something else. You didn't even notice when I tried to follow you to congratulate you after you won. So what the hell, why continue?

Tuesday: This day is a mix of misery and delight. Both was and is being inflicted upon me by the both of them. First, during elective class, I gave him my gift, the things that I spent so much time on and did with all of my heart. I proudly presented it to him. As he looked through it, I can see him smile, that made me happy. Suddenly, all the suffering was gone, together with the sleepless nights and the pain I felt beforehand. I thought that deep in his heart, he appreciates it, that somehow, he also wanted it, but I was later proven wrong. Next, were you, you made me truly happy when you gave me the dozen roses. You don't know this, but that helped me in something, it really did cheer me up. It was a sweet thing to do. But the miseries came next. Is it right to leave my gift to him? I gave so much for that! It was such an insensitive thing to do!! It really showed how taken for granted for I am. And then you added to it. I wanted to talk to you, I wanted my pains to go away, but what did you do? Again, you stopped me mid-sentence, didn't even notice the tears flowing from my eyes! That really told me how insignificant I am. Haaay, why does everyone just walk past me? They say I'm special, but if being special means being unimportant, I don't want to be special anymore...

Wednesday: well, the usual...pain was still given to me by the both of them...

Thursday: yeah, I told you that I would like to talk to you, but you really just have to prove to me that I'm nothing to you. Haaay, whatever. But thankfully, we still had that talk. It was so relieving. I could see you listening, taking in my complains, processing and feeling guilty for them. I thought that that was the last thing I needed for peace between the two of us. But hey, it just couldn't be done...read future entries to understand...Hehe...(but it still wouldn't be complete, for i don't know how to fully relate my complains=( but i am really so sad...)

Forget anything that you have read on my previous entry. For my decision has changed, again. The feeling that I thought was there is now gone (was it even there at all?). I knew this would happen, but I didn't expect to loose it this fast, AND easily. And I admit, I was hoping that it would stay longer (to be of help to my other problem), but as I said in the previous entry, things happen. And this is what happened, and this is the result of what happened.

I don't know if I'm disappointed at what happened, but I'm sure that I'm disappointed at him. I really am. Lalo na kanina, I was so disappointed that I almost mistook my emotions for anger. I think I was successful in hiding it from others, but every time I remember what was said to me, the feeling comes rushing back...haaayy...bat ka ba kasi ganyan?...bakit ba kasi di mo maintindihan?...bakit ang unfair at ang insensitive mo?...can you even feel at all?!? Haaay,,oh well...malapit na naman toh, sandali nalang, after that, it's over, I don't have to look like a fool anymore. Ewan ko na kung ano na tayo after that, it will be up to you na, for the first action will definitely not come from me anymore.

Anyway, wala na talaga at hinding-hindi ko na ibabalik un...Siguro keilangan ko na talagang ibalik ung full concentration ko kei nico...xa nalang talaga para di na magulo. And at least I'm used to the pain that he inflicts on me na..haaay..un lang...

*kung nababasa mo toh,,sorry,,ewan ko kung gets mo kung sino ka..basta sa tingin ko naman obvious naman eh...sorry kung ang arte ko ah...ganito na talaga ako dati pa...sorry kung keilangan mo pa tuloy akong pagtiyagaan, alam ko namang napipilitan ka nalang eh. Don't worry, malapit nang matapos toh, then I'll be out of your hair na...I'm really sorry, kung di mo ineexpect na ganto ako,,sorry kakaiba ugali ko..sorry kung nagsisisi ka na ngayon na ako pa kasi ung.....haaay,,basta un,,sorry...

*note: this entry is completely random, weird, and has no direction. I would just jot down anything that I feel like saying to relate this revelation...(See, even the note is difficult to understand...haha!)

How can I explain this feeling? Its so weird, and I cant even find the words to fully describe it. Im afraid to totally analyze it for Im afraid of what my conclusion could be. Ive always said that it was nothing, but how come I can feel something? Im even afraid to fully write my feelings in this entry for Im afraid that he might see it, not that he goes here often, but doesnt that hesitation in itself say something? But should I listen to that little voice inside of my head? Or should I just ignore it for it would just make things more complicated? Argh!!...I hate feeling this way...I hate having no answers and guessing what Im feeling, most of all, I hate trying to cover up and denying my feelings from MYSELF...These are my thoughts, I should have control over them, but how come I dont???

You see, I dont think Im ready yet for another, for that only means one thing: HEART BREAK. But somehow, things happen, I begin to feel a whole new set of emotions. I try to cover it up, from others but mostly from my own self. I know that I shouldnt, so I try to take control of my mind, dictate upon it to disregard its newly found attachment, to deny myself from the delight that he might bring, but I guess my mind has a mind of its own (huh??) for it doesnt follow my orders. It takes a different path that leads to a totally wrong result. Now I am a slave of my own feelings again, struggling to take control, pressed to make a difference, and running away from the truth...

Though at times this isnt always true. At times I am sure that it is just mere infatuation. It may just be a feeling assumed by my thoughts because of the current conditions...But even though I try to deny it, how can I explain the fact that my eyes continuously search for him? That I am desperate for him to finally notice me, not just notice me, but really notice me? It could still just be infatuation, right?

Haay...whichever way...I think I have made a decision a while ago, with Gihan. Yes, I finally agreed with what my mind had been bugging me all along. But giving in doesnt mean that I wont try to forget the feeling anymore. For I know that it has to stop. It simply has to go...

Yan ung isa pang bumabagabag sa utak ko buong linggo...pero kung iisipin,,di ko naman dapat tinatanong yan sa sarili ko...alam ko naman kasi sa sarili ko na natutuwa lang ako sa kanya...kaso ang daming nagtatanong sakin...ang daming nagkokonekta saming dalawa...kaya di ko maiwasan na pagisipan nga kung iba na ba ung nararamdaman ko sa kanya...

And everytime, my answer is always the same...kaya once and for all Im gonna clear this issue...WALA...walang namamagitan samin at di ko po xa crush...like ive said earlier,,natutuwa lang ako sa kanya..saka xempre gusto kong mapalapit sa kanya...bakit naman hindi diba?...

Oo,,aaminin ko,,I am extra thoughtful sa kanya,,but thats just because natutuwa nga ako sa kanya..and xempre,,I kinda feel like I have to be extra sweet to him, feeling ko responsibility ko un...kaya sana wag neo nang lagyan ng meaning un..since between the two of us, wala naman un...saka ganito lang talaga ung nature ko...

But I have to admit, medyo gusto ko ding magrespond xa sa mga ginagawa ko..feeling ko I deserve that...I also feel that he should spend more time with me..cause if he doesnt do that soon..he wouldnt like what will happen..hehe..nangtakot daw ba..haaay,,basta!! Sana mapansin din naman nea ako!! Naiinip na ako noh!! Haha!!

Uhm..ano pa ba?...if youre reading this...this is for you...wala lang...

Narda
by Kamikazee

Tila ibon kung lumipad,

Sumabay sa hangin ako’y napatingin

Sa dalagang nababalot ng hiwaga.

Mapapansin kaya

Sa dami ng yong gingawa

Kung kaagaw ko ang lahat

May pag asa bang makilala ka

Awit na nananawagan,

Baka sakaling napakikinggan,

Pag ibig na palaisipan

Sa kanta na lang idaraan

Nag aabang sa langit,

Sa mga ulap sumisilip

Sa likod ng mga tala,

Kahit sulyap lang darna

Ang swerte nga nman ni ding,

Lagi ka nyang kapiling

Kung ako sa kanya niligawan na kita

Mapapansin kaya

Sa dami ng yong gingawa

Kung kaagaw ko ang lahat

May pag asa bang makilala ka

Awit na nananawagan,

Baka sakaling napakikinggan,

Pag ibig na palaisipan

Sa kanta na lang idadaan

Nag aabang sa langit,

Sa mga ulap sumisili

Sa likod ng mga tala,

Kahit sulyap lang darna

Tumalon kaya ako sa bangin,

Para lang iyong sagipin

Ito ang tanging paraan para mayakap ka

Darating kaya

Sa dami ng ginagawa

Kung kaagaw ko sila

Paano na kaya?

Awit na nananawagan,

Baka sakaling napakikinggan,

Pag ibig na palaisipan

Sa kanta na lang idadaan

Nag aabang sa langit,

Sa mga ulap sumisilip

Sa likod ng mga tala,

Kahit sulyap lang darna
(2x)

note: if wala kayong idea kung sino ung pinaguusapan..wag niyo nang pahirapan ang sarili neo...wag neo ng alamin!! Hahaha!!=D

Before I start this entry, Id like to clarify first the difference between alam and gusto. Alam is what your mind says, and gusto is what your heart says. With that said, Ill begin (nakana! Ang formal!! Haha!!)...

Bakit ganun? Ang gulo gulo na talaga, di ko na maintindihan kung ano ba talaga ung dapat. Parang ang hirap hirap ng buhay ko ngayon, ang komplikado, ang gulo gulo, ang labo. Kasi paminsan, alam ko kung anong gusto ko, pero may mangyayari tas iba na ung desisyon ko, tas may mangyayari na naman, tas maguguluhan na ako. Ang bilis bilis ng pangyayari sa buhay ko. Sa sobrang bilis nito, nahihilo na ako.

Ganito kasi un, alam ko, at maraming nagsasabi sakin na sobra sobra na ung ginagawa ko. Hindi na tama, dapat itigil ko na. at nararamdaman ko na rin naman un eh. Hirap na hirap na rin ako. Paminsan gusto ko na ding tumigil. Alam ko dapat na nga akong tumigil. Pero pano un, kahit ramdam ko na un, di ko parin magawa, wala akong lakas ng loob para magawa un. Marami pa kasing bagay na hindi alam ng iba na nagpipigil saking kumawala. Saka alam ko rin kasi na hindi un ung gusto ko. Parang ang hirap ideprive ung sarili ko sa isang bagay na magpapasaya sakin. Kasi alam ko naman kasi na kahit hirap ako, sa huli, dun parin naman ako liligaya, sa kanya parin ako masaya, xa parin ang gusto ko. Makita ko lang xa, sobrang maligaya na ako. Wala akong maisip na ibang bagay na nagbibigay ng saya sakin na tulad ng binibigay niya, kaya pano naman ako makakawala dibah? Kung alam ko sa sarili ko na sa kanya TALAGA ako masaya.

Pero di ko lang talaga maiwasan na paminsan minsan, habang pinagmamasdan ko xa, nakaramdam ng lungkot, ng paghihinayang. Na kahit anong gawin at ibigay ko, di parin un sapat para makuha ko ung isang taong nagpapaligaya sakin...

Sa ganung mga sandali ko natatanong sa sarili ko kung sapat na nga kaya ang lahat ng pagpapakatanga ko para sa kanya. Kung dapat ko na nga bang tanggapin na kahit anong gawin ko, di parin ako magiging sapat para sa kanya. Ang hirap nun, ung alam mo na un na talaga ung best mo, na sobrang pure na nung love na inooffer mo tas malalaman mo na di parin un sapat. Para na ring sinabi sakin na wala akong kwenta. Nakakapangbaba talaga ng sarili.

The past week was kind of a question mark for me. Marami kasi akong tanong last week na hanggang ngayon hinahanapan ko ng sagot. And for the first time, hindi lang xa ung iniisip ko (more about that on my next entry). Pero xempre, xa parin ung main. Haay...ang hirap talaga nung alam mo na sapat na, pero alam mo rin na kapag huminto ka naman, mas masakit pa ung pain na ibibigay sayo ng puso mo. Kasi xa parin ung ikukulit niya sayo...

Anyway, yesterday evening, some things have been cleared between the two of us. Alam ko malabo parin, pero at least alam ko na sinubukan ko ulit na magreach out sa kanya. Ewan ko nga lang kung nagets nea un...sana...

Anyway, dun sa aming paguusap, napagdesisyonan ko ng bumitaw. Ill try. Susubukan ko ulit, and if things doesnt work out again, maybe this is really my destiny, to wait for him...

Cox Internet