I just remembered this something from a book that I last read. It's from 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. Yup, it's the book that sir Ed lent us last March, Charm and I. Charm's version is subtitled 'Together Forever', while mine was 'Moving On', wow...what a counselor right? Always there to offer help to his student's needs, all knowing on just what we need. Hehe...

Anyway, a few days back, an essence from that book just popped into my head. Maybe it was because during that time, I was thinking on how long I waited for Nico, how much I loved him, and how little I got in return. I wasn't self-pitying or anything, I was reflecting on the past, how that experience changed me and helped make who I am today. So, yah, I was remembering, my hopes and aches when I recalled that 'lesson' from the book. It said something like this (but since using the exact words will be too long, I'm going to use my own and paraphrase that chapter):

Men tend to move on easily. They tend to jump from one relationship to another. This is their way of coping up with the pain that they got from their past relationship. They try to hide and forget about the pain by moving on to another relationship. Sometimes, the faster they get themselves into a new relationship indicates greater pain and greater love for their past, while a longer gap between two relationships signifies less pain. This is because men, unlike women, keep their pain to themselves, they don't like sharing to others or analyzing their pain to themselves. So they take the easy way out, by overshadowing their pain from their past of their happiness from their present relationship. And the faster they move on to another relationship, the shorter time they will have to bear with their pain. But this is not the right thing to do, men are wrong from practicing this kind of ... ... ... (blah, blah, blah)

Hehe… So that's part of what the book said about men. And that was what I remembered. I thought to myself, maybe it's unfair of me to think that 'I got little in return' from Nico, I mean, while we were together, I did feel his love for me, and he also told me that a hundred times a day (literally). And I was the one who broke up with him, so it was partly my fault why our 10-month romance (5 months M.U., 5 months official) suddenly went down the drain (though he gave me reasons to do that). So I started to rethink my previous thoughts. Now I think that I got a lot out of him, he really showed his love to me, he did some stuffs without me telling him to do them, he did them because he thought that it will make me happy (and a lot did make me super happy). He made time for me and accepted me for who I am.

Then I thought, following what that book said, I guess he really did super duper loved me, though he might try to deny it now, I think he just wasn't fully aware then. After all, he did replace me just a week after I broke up with him! So, it was super fast, signifying super love. Nice conclusion right? Hehe...

Anyway, he might have a number of reasons for not getting back to me. And I myself have thought of a few reasons using his way of thinking. And I don't blame him for his reasons, it has basis...but oh well, we have our separate lives now, and our past is just something worth remembering and treasuring. It's one of those good old days and will remain that way...Adios!;)

Last April 13, 2006, I experienced my first real bunot. Haha! Funny, you might be wondering why I will dedicate one entry just for this, right? I mean it's just an ordinary event in a person's life. Why do I have to take time to make this post? Well, you see, this experience is special to me, cause as I've said, it's my FIRST bunot! And it's a real one too! Huh?? What the heck do I mean? You have to read on to find out! Hehe...(Weird noh? =p)

Anyway, it's like this, all my life, I haven't experience my tooth being taken out by my dentist, when I feel that one's coming out, I just wait and let it fall out by itself (and of course with a little help from my forceful fingers. Hehe...)

Ano? Takot ka sa dentist?!! NOOOOO!!

It's not like that! I'm not afraid of the dentist or anything like that. Actually, it's the other way around, yup! MY DENTIST IS AFRAID OF ME.

Whaaaat?!?!! Bago un ah!

Hehe...Well, don't worry, I don't do anything to her, I don't threaten her nor punch her nor bully her! IT'S MY HEART PROBLEM THAT SHE'S AFRAID OF.

Your heart problem, why should she be concerned about that??

NO, my other heart problem! The real one. The one where I got three not-supposed-to-be-there holes in my heart.

Ohhh, that heart problem...But wait! I didn't know that you have been hurt thrice!!

No, no, no...the wholes are in my heart. I've had them since I was born; it's called a heart disease. But don't worry, di ko kayo mahahawa...and besides, figuratively, there's only TWO HOLES in my heart...hahaha!! (sana ma-gets nyo)

Hehe...I get it now...please continue...

So because of my heart problem, she doesn't want to take any of my teeth out using the normal way, the one with anesthesia. I use the special way, the wait-till-it-drop method! (Hehe...sorry na, ang corny ko...). I was fine with it until one tooth came out without the previous one coming out first. So the result, sungking ngipin. That's when I started to ask her to take it out the normal way. But she's afraid that once she injects anesthesia into my gums, my body will have some sort of reaction with it and I might have a heart attack, then my dad will come after her. In her words: "ayoko nga! Baka mangisay ka dyan sa sahig tapos sugurin pa ako ng papa mo, ayoko nga nun!" hehe...you see, she's a family friend, and she has been our dentist ever since I can remember, also, my dad helped her start up when she was just beginning her work, helped her find and get her tools, so she doesn't want anything to come between them...

But she did say that I could get a doctor's clearance and once she saw that slip of paper, she will take out my tooth. And after two years (yup! TWO YEARS!! I don't know why it took that long, really...) and a lot of money, FINALLY, I GOT THAT DOCTOR'S PERMIT!! (and I underwent 2D echo to have it) Yey! I was so happy...but I didn't go to her right away. Oopps!! My mistake! Stupid move! Why you ask? Well, I just LOST THAT STUPID LITTLE NOTE!! Who wouldn't lose it?!! It was so small!!

Haaay...stupid, stupid, stupid...Now I couldn't take that tooth out, my dad don't want to get another one (because it really was so expensive!). And besides, the note didn't say anything special, just "she can undergo any dental procedure, her heart problem is not a hindrance" (actually, it said something else, but that's the essence!!), but she wouldn't believe me! She said that it should contain what kind of anesthesia would be best for me blah, blah, blah...haaay...whatever, I give up! I'll just use my special method...

And after another two years...While we were in the province, my dad said that he's taking my sister to his sister's friend's daughter that is now a dentist to have her braces cleaned. And then...I saw the light...I saw my opportunity...and I felt my temporary tooth that still wouldn't bulge!! (Who would have guessed that taking care of your teeth could also be a problem?!? Yey to strong teeth!! Yey to close-up!!) so there, I said to him right away "can I go too? Let's see if she will take out my tooth, sige na, para umayos na ulit ung ngipin ko"...then he said okei...

So there we were, they were still eating dinner. So we waited, she finished, we went to her clinic, my sister went first, I waited, I was apprehensive...tic-tack-tic-tack...my sister's done, I was next...I went in, my dad went in...told her of my situation...

"so walang nakalagay dun sa paper na kailangan, baka nga naman kasi may mangyari sayo"

"wala po, sabi lang po pwede akong mabunutan"

"okay, sige, start na tayo"

then she fixed what she will be needing..then I looked at my dad, he looked at me and said "kaya mo ba?" obvious worry written on his face...then I said "oo naman!!" but more to myself than to him...then he went out the swinging door...

Then I saw the injection..."masakit po pa yan?"

"hindi naman, para ka lang kinukurot nito"

then I thought..'kinukurot?!! anong kurot, ung pino?!! Masakit un ah!! Kahit ung hindi pino masakit parin kahit papaano!!'...

then she looked at me, I closed my eyes...then shouted "WAIT LANG!!"...gasped for air...deep breaths, deep breaths...she laughed...I lied down again..then said again, "wait lang po ulit"..this time more softly...then she said "ganto nalang, pag nasaktan ka, taas mo nalang ung hand mo"..."okei"...then she went in...I was pinching myself, concentrating on that pain instead, but realized, 'di naman pala masakit eh, hmmm...ang tagal naman, nakakangawit'...then it was done...

"may isa pa, sa loob naman, mas masakit to ng unti"..."okei"...I thought, 'unti lang pala eh, sus! Di naman masakit ung kanina, kayang kaya ko toh'..but I was wrong, it was more painful than I thought, but a pinch is more painful, so kayang kaya!! Hehe...then it was done...

"hintay lang muna tayo ah, para umepekto ung gamot"

"masakit po ba?"

"hindi, kung gumana na ung gamot, wala kang mararamdaman, maririnig mo lang ung crack nung ngipin mo"

"e, pag po di gumana ung gamot?"

"hindi, dapat gumana un..."

"e pag nga po hindi?"

"siguro unti lang, unting unti lang..."

after a few minutes..."itaas mo nalang ulit ung kamay mo pag sumakit ah"...then she started, wow, it was painless, I just heard my tooth cracking, yey! Finally maalis na din ung ngipin na toh! And she was done...I came out the swinging door...my father looked at me, "ano aus ka lang?" but since I was a ngo ngo at this time (because of the cottons in my mouth), I just gave them a thumbs up...yey! My ordeal has finally ended, and it was Lance's turn...

I went to my dad..."pa, gusto ko ng ice cream" "o sige na, oo na, maupo ka muna dun! Ipahinga mo yan at naku!! Ako ang kinabahan sayo!!" and I laughed...

Hehe! You might never understand why this is such a big deal for me, but for someone who has been waiting for her tooth to come out for such a long time, like myself, this is like an achievement. Hehe...sorry na kung ang babaw ko...;)

oh my gosh...the pressure's killing me!! noone has shown signs of anger, depression or whatever emotion yet. in short, there's no reaction...YET...so i assume nobody have read it yet...again...YET...haha!! sorry for being so redundant. i guess it's just natural of someone who feels guilty, yet stable in her decision of letting them know. yikes!! that was kinda deep! (right?) haha!! waaaahh!! bangag na talaga ako!! HEEEEELLP!!

haaay...i don't know, it's kind of relieving, but somehow adds to my depression, my disappointment in them. basta! i have my reasons...

oh well, change topic. i'll now shift to something more happy(?)...what else?!? but my LOVE LIFE!! haha!! what can be more happier than that???!! hehe...anyway, since i've kind of indicated that i'm SLOWLY moving on from that ... uhm ... person (??) (haha!!), i'm kind of lost lately. i'm not sure whether i'm REALLY going through that change. i have to confirm it, through seeing him. to know whether something has really changed. so i have to wait for that confirmation. so right now, (since i haven't seen him yet [duh!!]) i have to be patient...PATIENT...patience jami...(haha!! labo!!)...

but one thing i'm sure of though is that i really got feelings for someone else right now. i also needed confirmation before, but i guess i already got that a while ago...hehe...so right now...i can say that i'm happy...i'm contented...but STILL apprehensive...

hahahahaha!! bwahahahahaha!! BILOG ANG MUNDO! (yak!=p)

*This entry is a post-dated entry for Wednesday. I wasn't able to post it then because of our situation then (father getting sick then going to the hospital…check my xanga site for more info).

Haaay...Something has taken up a lot of my thinking time this past couple of days. It's an issue that concerns me and my friends. Actually, it's my observations on their behavior towards me, some actions that they have shown that have unintentionally hurt me. Haaay, it's so complicated, because I don't know whether to generalize it and concern the whole quote unquote barkada, or just talk things out between the three of us, 'cause in the first place, it was really just the three of us from the start. But wouldn't that be too hard? Putting the blame on just two persons when some stuffs could have happened because of the whole "barkada"? Though I know that some issues are just for the three of us, but how about the rest of the problem? Haaay, ano, naguguluhan ka na ba? Sorry na...

Anyway, I also have been thinking on whether to put this "emotion" in here or just keep it a secret, keep it private, keep it between us (if ever we find time to talks things out...if). And I have decided that maybe it will be best if I keep it from the public. Well, until something else happened that has really depressed me. I know I'm very sensitive, and some of the things that I'm thinking and going to say might be exaggerated by my way of thinking, but I still think that I have a point. So sorry if I hurt you, but I just want to express my thoughts.

Tuesday night, I received a text message saying: "Lakwa daw bukas, after card giving". Wow, Improvement! If before I complained on how they singled me out and told me about an outing late, now they told me before it actually happened!! WOW!!! Clap-clap-clap! But technically, it was still late, around 11 in the evening! Amazing right? I really felt that they wanted me in! But I guess that's better than telling me the day itself. At least I still have time to wake up my father and ask his permission while his in the middle of his dreams [sarcastic]! Anyway, one other thing that I noticed was the invitation was so PLAIN, like "come on! Let's go out! Kahit san! Di naman siguro important kung san tayo pupunta eh!" [still sarcastic]. So, yah, if you have guessed what I was referring to, good for you, for those who weren't able to keep up, I'll tell you anyway. THERE WERE NO PLACE AND TIME!! No specifications! I mean, hello! Surely I will need those infos in order to be allowed! So the moment I received that message, I knew instantly that I don't want to go [besides the obvious reason that my father's sick].

But that was not the end of it. As always, this happens. N.R. yup! As in they have no reaction [actually she lang kasi xa lang naman nakita ko]! So yah, again, I was very frustrated, much more, disappointed at them, though I did my best not to show it. They really know how to make me feel unimportant. Like it doesn't matter if I go with them or not, if I get hurt or not. I mean, I wouldn't feel this way if I know that it's that way for everybody. But no, I'm the only one who gets this kind of treatment. If *toot* can't go, they go to all sorts of drama as to convince her to go, the same with *beep*, but with me, it's always just okay, sure, whatever. [okay fine, in fairness to them, it's not always, just frequently]. Haaay, andami ko pang gusting sabihin, pero alam kong may masasaktan ng sobra, kasi magiging obvious na xa ung topic. Oh well, siguro it will be best kung samin nalang ung iba.

So I guess you have an idea how lucky I am to have that kind of friends. Really understanding friends. Very understanding. TOO understanding. To the extent that they would INSTANTLY accept my alibi for not going. YIPEE!! No wonder I'm so happy with them, that I'm contented with them. No wonder I have a lot of sets of friends, to catch me when they let me fall [which is often]. Now you know why I jump from one group to another, to avoid being too dependent on one group, to avoid getting hurt in the end cause they disappointed me. So I can continue to show the world that I am happy!! To forever hide from everyone my sad side, which is only open to my "friends". But since right now, I'm not exactly sure who my friends are, then I have to conceal it for the meantime.

> Wahaha!! I'm happy!!
> I wonder what will happen in my review class.
>haaay, sorry na, I just had to let all these out…

With nothing else to do, I turned on the TV with the hope of catching a good film or show. And guess what, I did catch a great movie! Yippee! One point for me...Anyway, it was 50 first dates being played in HBO, starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore (some background info in case you have no idea what I'm talking about. But come on!! Who doesn't know 50 first dates!?! Who am I kidding?! Hehe...).

So there I was watching it for the nth time, taking in all the sweet parts, feeling the emotion, and then becoming emotional myself. Yeah. I cried. Again. It amazes me how much this movie affects me every time I watch it. It never fails to make me curl up and get all teary eyed! Haaay, the plot is just so interesting, the script so sweet, and the characters so enchanting. And I'm one of those people who wouldn't get tired of watching this movie.

So why did I get so emotional? Well, just like every other movie of its kind, I kind of see myself going through the scenes, being in the scene myself. I see myself experiencing the same things, such as finding true love, feeling special and cared for, and of course, having a fairytale ending just like them. I couldn't help but wish that the same thing happens to me. Not the forgetting my short term memory overnight part though. The meeting someone who will love me forever and endure any hardship for his love for me is what I wish to happen to me. I mean, who wouldn't want that right? But having experienced my fair share of tragic relationships, I should know better than that. I should have realized by now that happy ending such as those in the movies, rarely happen in real life. I should be skeptical by now, knowing possible from impossible! But I have to say that I still hope to find him. The one that will love me for who I am and make me forget about my bitter pasts. I guess my experiences haven't dampened my spirits much yet. My being a hopeless romantic still shines through despite everything. Hehe...

Anyway, I know that someday I'll meet my prince, the one that will save me from all this sadness. I don't know, I could have met him already, but one of these days, we will be happy together. (Haha! Sige na, tawa na! Laugh all you want, but I still believe in that we will be happy. Hehe...)

Though at times, I couldn't help but wonder why it couldn't have been them, my pasts. I mean, what's the purpose of us getting together if it's not for forever? Because I'm not sure if the lessons and experiences that I learned from them is worth all the heartaches that I got and tears that I have shed for them. It's just so painful. So, do you think it was worth it? Hehe... That's a food for though for you! Something to think about...=P

Cox Internet