Sunday, March 26, 2006
jEsus takE thE whEEL
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
yes...
i'm gonna try to let go, again. But this time, I'm not going to force myself or something like that. I'm gonna let time and faith be in control. I won't try to interfere anymore. If something happens, it will happen, i won't try to stop it anymore, like before.
Cause I know that I could have forgotten him long ago if I only wanted to. But the only problem was that I don't want to. Like if I feel that I'm beginning to think of somebody else, and not him, I force myself to think of him again, to remember us again so that the fire will come anew. So that my feelings will return. Also, if i begin to not care about them anymore, I also try to concern myself all over again. Just so my love for him will not go...
But this time, it won't be like that anymore. Maybe it's better if I learn to forget him and really open myself to other possibilities. After all, he's not the only man in the world. There's a whole bunch out there who's even better than him. And besides, I'm really not sure why I'm still holding on to him, well besides the fact that I have genuine feelings for him. I mean, it's no good if he's hurting me, therefore, he's no good too. Haha!! whata conclusion!! haha!!
hmmm...anyway, there you have it. I'm done. I'm through. With you. It's your lost. Not mine. Cause you lost me. Farewell. Hope you survive. Without me. Hahaha!! Ang angas!! Anyway, it's true...though I think he has yet to realize what he had lost. And i don't care!! *wink wink*
>>>thank you for helping me figure this out. without you, i think i will still be trapped in my self-built loneliness...thank you...
bEEN aLoNE siNcE3/26/2006 07:15:00 PM
+diamoNds aREN't foREvER+
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
magmahaL muLi
Magmahal Muli
by Sam Milby and Say Yutadco
Umaasang magmamahal muli
Ang buong akala ko'y siya na
Kabiguan ang napala
Paghilom ng puso'y hindi madali
Ang malamang mahal mo'y
Walang pag ibig sayo
Ang umasang magmahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag-ibig
Ito'y darating
Ito'y darating
Ito'y darating sayo
Hanggang sa tayo'y matuto
Sa kabiguan natamo
Kaya ako ay maghihintay
Sa tunay kong mahal
Isipin ang bukas at kalimutan ang nakalipas
Ang umasang magmahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag-ibig
Ito'y darating sayo
Aking naranasan
Ohhhhhhh
Ang pagluha ng tulad sa ulan
Ang umasang magmamahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag ibig
Ito'y darating
Ang umasang magmamahal muli
Siyang magagawa
Huwag hanapin ang pag ibig
Ito'y darating
Ito'y darating
Ito'y darating sayo
Ohhhhhhh…..ito'y darating sayo
>> oo na...corny xa...pero this is exactly what i'm feeling right now...that the only thing that i still have is hope. Not just in love life, but in everything. haaay...if i really think about it, everything's okay. i'm happy, i'm doing well. Maybe not how i really want it to be, but given the circumstances, aus parin naman eh. but behind the happy faces, the feeling of acceptance, hides something that we can not ignore forever. Sadness, the feeling of incompleteness.
It's sad knowing that not everything will remain, we all have to change and move on. But i just have to keep in mind that in everything, there are lessons to be learned, and sooner or later, something better will emerge. it's just unfortunate that in my case, it always have to be later...haaay...
Oh well...Commercial lang talaga un. The real topic is really about love, as usual. haha! haay...i always hope that i the next one will be better and will stay. But whatever i do, i always end up hurt. Bakit kaya? Binibigay ko naman ung best ko. And as the first stanza goes, it really hurts to know that in truth, he doesn't care about you, eventhough you gave your best shot. In the end, you have to learn how to heal all over again, and believe me, it ain't easy. And in every guy comes different forms of healing.
Hindi naman talaga ako naghahanap ng mamahalin eh, kusa lang talaga xang dumadating. At kusa lang din akong sinasaktan. Haaay, and also, as the song goes, i just have to keep on waiting until the right one comes along. Siguro i just have to accept the fact that in waiting i also have to endure all the hurt and just keep on going...
Haaaaayyy....buhay talaga...
bEEN aLoNE siNcE3/22/2006 02:37:00 PM
+diamoNds aREN't foREvER+
Sunday, March 19, 2006
poEm and soNg
fiRst paRt: POEM
I made a poem. It's actually cute. It has a meter that follows the pattern of 4-5-6-5-4. Haha!! Though I have no title for it yet, can't think of any. Please tag me if you have a neat idea. Thanks! Hmmm...I actually wanted to make a poem about trying to let go and in the process finding someone else but still ended up hurt and confused, but it turned out differently, but whatever, maybe next time. Haha!! So...yah...it turned out very differently, 'cause I thought I already wanted to give up on him and I really planned on having the other one as my topic, but I guess my feelings for him are a lot stronger than I though. Imagine, my feelings presented itself to me through this poem. The poem just went right through me. Maybe that says something. Like, 'hey! It's not yet over! Don't give up!' Haha!! Asa!! Anyway, maybe I'll do another poem some other day. But right now, try to enjoy this one first!! Hehe...
Feeling confused
Nothing has changed
All's still the same
You never came
How it used to be
Between you and me
Fading out of me
I can hardly see
Can remember the day
Upon the grass we lay
You caressed me slowly
Words you whispered sweetly
Often I recall
Though at times I fall
I will not give up
My love will not stop
You said goodbye
But that's a lie
Will have you back
I'll try my luck
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
sEcoNd paRt: SONG
This entry is really supposed to be a comparison between a song and my life. But somehow, I came up with a poem, which turned out differently from what I planned, but nevermind. At least my entry will be longer. Haha!! Anyway, italicized and colored phrases in between the lyrics are my comments, or rather reflections about that particular line/s. So again, enjoy!
I
By 6cyclemind
Ay wag naman
Alisin ang
Nag-iisang panaginip
...wag ka nang tuluyang lumisan, please
ikaw lang ang nag-iisa kong minimithi...
Na ika'y magbabalik
Nagsasamang masaya
At walang pagkukulang
...sana...
[chorus]
At ngayong wala ka na
...bat ka pa kasi umalis...
Hindi alam kung saan magsisimula
...ngayon tuloy ako'y nalilito na...
Ang ngayon, bukas, kailanman nag-iba
...lahat tuloy ng mga pangarap ko'y gumuho
sapagkat lahat nun ay nandun ka...
Wala bang bukas
...wala na ba tayong pagasa?...
Ay bahala na
Ang tanging naririnig
Wala ka bang ibang masabi
...pansinin mo naman ako
problema mo rin naman ito...
Huwag ka nang mag-alala
Inintindi ko
Ang lungkot na ginawa mo
...kahit anong sakit na binibigay mo sa akin
andito parin at handang magpatawad
tatanggapin ka parin sa iyong muling pagbabalik...
[chorus]
At ngayong wala ka na
Hindi alam kung saan magsisimula
Ang ngayon, bukas, kailanman nag-iba
[chorus]
Paulit-ulit mananatili
...palagi lang akong nandito para sa'yo...
Pag gising ko'y wala pa rin
...naghihintay kahit walang napapala...
Hindi maamin
Ilang dalanging...
Wala na
Wala ka
Wala na
...kahit na matagal ko nang alam na wala ka na nga...
[chorus]
ay...pahabol nga pala! Para sa mga nagtataka kung para kanino yan...hmmm...continue on wondering!! Hahaha!! Cause I won't tell!!
bEEN aLoNE siNcE3/19/2006 02:16:00 PM
+diamoNds aREN't foREvER+
Saturday, March 18, 2006
REaLity sEttiNg iN
I don't know what to do. School has practically ended, and my life has ended with it too. My only motivation to make it through vacation is that after 2 months, I can see him (them?) again. Though I know that upon seeing him (them?), they wouldn't even notice me, I know I will still make it through. I don't care if his waiting for someone else. I don't care if his with someone else. I don't care if his happy with someone else. All I know is that I love him and that's all that matters to me, and because of that, I will make it through. I've said this before, and I will say it again, I can do everything for him and I can endure anything for him. And I will. He can push me off all he wants, but I will still remain here for him. Haay...sad...
On the other hand, vacation does have its advantages for me. I can use it to test my faith. I will see if my feelings are true or just there simply because they are visible (yes, this test applies for the both of them). I admit that time and distance is a big factor. A lot can happen within the period of two months. I don't know, it can change me, it can change them. And hopefully, I can prove to myself if the feelings I feel for them are true. But if one or both of them disappears, then I guess it's for the better, right? I mean, at least I won't suffer again and I can start from scratch. It will be better for me.
But I will still see about that. Right now though, I'm in the state of confusion. I don't know who I really want. I mean, I love one, and I like the other, but recently, the other one is taking majority of my time and thoughts. Oh well, whatever, because either way, I will still end up hurt. No, actually, I already got hurt. Haha!! Fun!! But besides from being confused, I'm also lonely. I know I have no right to feel abandoned, but that's exactly how I feel. I feel like they left me hanging, no closure about everything. No explanations, only guesses. Maybe, just maybe, if everything was concluded properly, it wouldn't be so difficult for me. Haay...Poor me, always hoping for something, but never achieving anything but misery.
bEEN aLoNE siNcE3/18/2006 04:10:00 PM
+diamoNds aREN't foREvER+
Thursday, March 16, 2006
wEiRd...
Haaay, peste!! I really thought that this will be my week. But something happened that will and have ruined everything!! Oh, well...Bummer! Can't expound on it though. Basta, I have my reasons...grrr!! It's really frustrating!! Bakit kasi...?!? Why do you have to ... ... ... ... ... ... We didn't even had the chance to ... ... ... I was expecting you to ... ... ... Haaay, oh well...maybe next week...I hope...I really really hope...I wish...please let it be...magcooperate ka naman kasi!! Raaarr!!
Haha!!
Sorry na...
I know...
This is very weird...
I'm really sorry...
Hehe!!
Ang labo ko!!
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!
Wow...nice...but this is okay I guess...a nice break from all of my very melodramatic entries...
hu-waw...
bEEN aLoNE siNcE3/16/2006 07:58:00 PM
+diamoNds aREN't foREvER+
Sunday, March 12, 2006
you camE, you LEft
While I was going through my notebooks from my locker, a piece of paper fell from one of those notebooks. It was from my "assignment notebook" (that sadly didn't serve its purpose that much, haha!!). This paper marked a page where I wrote a poem for him before. As I went through it, different feelings came rushing back to me. I remembered how I felt before, and realized how some of those feelings never changed through the course of time. However, some of those feelings just took on a different form, but still have the same intensity as before.
It amazes me how much I could transmit my feelings about love or heartaches thru a poem, but not about any other feelings or experiences. When I'm full of love or empty of it, words just flow out from me, and before I know it, I've created a poem that is full of passion.
Now I wish to share with you this poem that brought with it a lot of memories. This poem was written on a Sunday, on July 10, 2005. Please tag your opinions about it. Thanks!
YOU CAME,
YOU LEFT
10July2005
You came when I was all alone
I was heart-broken, uncertain, and more
You became the center of my affection
Although you were oblivious of my attention
It was confusing, much more hard
Not knowing what you had
But still I continued and showed you
The feelings that I made quite obvious
It's funny that you still didn't get it
Even though everybody already knew it
Finally I found the courage to tell you
You were cool with it and wasn't self-conscious
We sent messages day and night
Friends we remained and it felt right
Then one day you confessed to me
The feelings that you developed for me
I was so glad and it felt so surreal
We learned to love each other, and our actions made it clear
It didn't take long for us to be together
You certainly made my life lovelier
Together our relationship grew and bloomed
With each passing day our love was nurtured
The road in our journey was sometimes rough
But we were able to overcome our problems though tough
Then another man came into the picture
Breaking us apart and it was kind of immature
For me, it was a test of faith
For you, it was a matter of being there
Then slowly we grew apart
Unconsciously, you broke my heart
Apparently, an obstacle that is bigger than us
That our love for each other cannot surpass
It's sad knowing that it really has ended
Though I still smile and laugh in pretend
You left and again I'm all alone
Feeling more helpless, weak, and unloved than before
bEEN aLoNE siNcE3/12/2006 12:27:00 PM
+diamoNds aREN't foREvER+
Friday, March 10, 2006
motivatioNs
Last Thursday, I found out something about myself, about what drives me. I realized this during my three and a half hours talk with Kevin Gonzales (yikee!! May special mention siya!! =p). You see, different people are motivated by different things, one of which is our goals in life. It may also be our friends, school, or interests. These things somehow dictates how we go through our lives, affects the decisions we make, and most of all, how we perceive life. With Kevin, surprise, surprise!! It was his grades (wow...why aren't I shocked?!? Haha!! ). As for me, it's my love life. Surprised? Haha!! I bet not...=p
Anyway, it's true. I realized that day, and also when I talked with Gihan a few days back, that everything I do is somehow connected or will be of my best interest for my love (or like. ;]) for another person. It inspires me to do well at school, it decides how I fix my schedule, and also, it chooses if I will be happy or sad, wild or tame, in the mood or not in the mood. I don't wanna expound on it anymore though. I have to play it safe; I don't want my tactics to be revealed! Haha! Joke!xp
Anyway, this school year has been the hardest for me in terms of love life yet. And its effects are evident in almost everything that concerns me. And because of that, I know that I have changed...A LOT...In some ways, it did me good, but the percentage of its damage on me? A lot greater than that...I'm not particularly proud of what I have become, but I don't think I have much of a choice given the circumstances. I really love him. And by that I mean really. REALLY, REALLY love him. So you just don't know how much I was affected when I lost him. I can't find the words to fully describe the hurt that I felt. How betrayed I was when I was replaced, for I know how much he loved me, and yet he wasn't strong enough to fight for me. I can still remember the words he used to say, how much he loved, how much I embody his ideal wife, how there will be no one that could be greater than me, and how no one can ever exceed his love for me. And yet, those words just remained words. I guess I will not live long enough to see his words realized. And I have to live with that thought everyday of my life.
When will he come? I wanna know, will he ever come? Is there still a chance for me to find happiness? Or will I forever live in the dark; suppressed, perplexed and unaided?
Now I remember this quote from the most recent book I've read. It got stuck into my mind:
"You see yourself only in the mirror.
But I see you the way you can never see yourself,
All the pure things, neither good nor bad."
-said by Gan, 'The kitchen god's wife', written by Amy Tan-
I wonder if someone will ever feel this way for me. Can anyone really see what I have to offer? See beyond my drawbacks and focus instead on what I have?
All my life, all I ever wanted is to feel loved, important, and cared for. But every time I come near it, it eludes me. It's gone even before I fully realize its presence. So I always end up hurting, pretending, and longing.
bEEN aLoNE siNcE3/10/2006 10:35:00 PM
+diamoNds aREN't foREvER+
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
REgREts =(
Do you ever wonder why in life, we undergo a phase were we experience so much regrets? It's like we have never done anything just right. All we ever do is try to redo the things we have done in the past and wish that everything will be better. But it doesn't get better, and because of that, we continue to make more mistakes, then experience more regrets. It's like a cycle that will only stop when...
When...
When...
Ahm, I don't know when, 'cause mine hasn't stopped yet, so tag me if you know, thanks!
Ahm, so as I was saying...Do you ever wish that it will just stop? Leave you alone? And take you back to the time when you still had 100% control over your life? Well, I have. Actually, I do, I want this to stop. I wanna go back, to the time when I was truly happy. When I still have all that mattered, when whatever anyone do to me I can bear because I know that I have him. But now that he's gone, I'm left helpless, confused, and everything that I do isn't just right anymore, everything began to go down for me ever since. Argh! Where's a time machine when you need one?!? Hell! Hasn't anyone come up with one yet?!?
I know, a lot of people have said to me that I can not continue living in the past; that I must move on. But how can I not want to live in my past when it is the only time in my life when everything was perfect?!? When I still have a goal in life! Look at me now; don't you think that I'm kind of wasting my life now? I have been continuously missing on every opportunity that is coming my way! I know that he's not everything, but for me, he has paved my way to everything. And don't blame me for hating my life now, if you could really see how full of crap it is right now, you'll hate it too! And that's why I need a time machine, fast, NOW!! Grrr!! I wanna get back my happiness!!
Hmmm, to this day, I carry with me gazillion problems, but mainly, I am focused on only two of those problems. Because they are the root of a lot of my other problems. And I am obviously regretting the fact that I ever let these things happen:
> Letting him go – wow, the root of the roots. How can one person cause so much chaos?? Blame it on love...it's a foolish thing to feel...disastrous...
> Ever having a "crush" on you – though minor, I still regret the fact that that thing ever came up. I was so peaceful in my own little world of remorse then he had to squeeze in and get some of my attention and tears. Stupid me, I really regret it!! Because of it, I now feel frustration towards him!! Grrr!! I have to be careful though, I don't it to evolve into something deeper. Actually, I don't like the feeling as it is. Whatever...
Haaay, my most recent regret though, is doing his bistable for him!! I mean, y-mikes and Celine tried to stop me, but I didn't listen. But now I regret not listening to them. Because, I know he will never do anything in return, instead, he will just hurt me like before, and he did just that, mind you. Wow. What a wonderful day...Full of regrets and loneliness...Why does this stupid love have to interfere with everything?!!! I hate it!!
When will all these stop? I want my old life back!!!
bEEN aLoNE siNcE3/07/2006 02:37:00 PM
+diamoNds aREN't foREvER+
Saturday, March 04, 2006
fuckEd up LifE!!!
Fuck this fucked up life!! It’s so irritating!! Everywhere I go, it always slaps me in the face and proves to me that every decision I do is a mistake!! Ewan!! I can't understand this life!! I really don't want it anymore!! I give up!! Really, what did I do to it that makes Him let me suffer like this!?!
There's this saying that a lot of people say is true, "you can always correct the mistakes that you do". Hell, no!! That's a lie!! Some things in life simply can't be corrected!! Because if that line is true, then how come I'm still suffering?!? And no one can say that I'm not doing anything about it! 'Cause hell, my life is all about doing something to correct my previous mistakes in life! All my decisions are made in the hope that things will be better! But does it get better? NO!! It doesn't!! And everything that I do just leads to another problem, with or without it solving the previous problems! Putik!! I give up on this stupid, damn, frustrating life!! Maybe if I just stay unconcerned about it and everything that surrounds it, there will be lesser troubles to deal with.
Is my life really like this? Am I really in this world just to suffer? To endure every hardship that this fucked up life can offer?!! 'Cause if I wasn't, how come it seems like it?!! Everything that I see, encounter, and experience is just another way of seeing, encountering, and experiencing the other problems!! I don't know, but maybe if I really think about it, I'll realize that I have really gone through every form of hardship that this life can give to anyone!!
How can I say such a thing? Well, just this last 28 hours, I have already felt about a million heartaches from four different people: you, him, my sister and my grandma! Wow! I'm lucky I woke up late (12.30 pm...I slept for a whole 13 hours!! ;p), for if I didn't, then maybe that would be five people that will join together to make my life a living hell!! The fifth one will be my father.
Yesterday was already full of anguish, no need to expound on that...When I got home, even for a little while my miseries lessened...But just to pest my day, before I slept, he made me super depressed!! I don't know what his problem was, but all I know is that I have done my part. It really isn't my problem anymore. A while ago, a few minutes after waking up, I got into a fight with my grandma. It even made me cry!! I don't know what her problem was either, all I know is that I did that to prevent future quarrels between her and my father, then she got angry at me!! Shit!! That's nice! Can you imagine that?! Now, I'm the one who's at fault!! Gosh! Can't all of you fix up your life, so that maybe my life will get better, even A LITTLE!! RAAARRRR!!
So in summary, in those 28 hours, I was happy for only 13 hours (not even half of it =[ ), BECAUSE I WAS ASLEEP!! Wow! That's the reason why I love sleeping. It's the only part of the day that I can dream, when I could wish for a better future, when my world is silent, but you know what, even in my dreams, my problem still hunts me, still proves to me that I'm wrong. But that's okay, at least my life is better when I'm sleeping, more peaceful. I remember a quote that someone sent me before, it is so true for me. It says that it's great to live, but sometimes, it's more wonderful to sleep, because sometimes, it's more wonderful to dream.
bEEN aLoNE siNcE3/04/2006 02:23:00 PM
+diamoNds aREN't foREvER+
Friday, March 03, 2006
REstLEss..
So sad, I had a very bad day today, a very emotional one. I don't know, maybe I should reconsider my decisions, 'cause I realized, this blog is good for me, it lessens the baggage that I carry within me, makes me less depressed. I shouldn't restrict its content. Why should I care about what others think?!? But that's still a thought; I still have to think about it.
Argh!! So depressed!! I realized that I have A LOT of problems these days, but I don't think I can share it yet, 'cause even I don't know how to express it. Hmmm...what will I do?!?? I am so confused right now!! Again, I'm in i-don't-know-where-i-am-land!! I don't know what's happening to me, can't understand my feelings, afraid to accept reality!
Grrr!! Ayoko na!! Suko na yata ako sa buhay ko!!
*I can't wait to get my hands on the book that kuya Ed's going to lend me! He says it fits me perfectly, so I should read it, so I will...he says it'll help me, and I hope he's right...grrr!! >>bangag ulit!!! togoink!!<<
bEEN aLoNE siNcE3/03/2006 10:04:00 PM
+diamoNds aREN't foREvER+
